Hard Times Holiday Guide 

Run DMC said it best when they rapped the words, "Hard times are comin' to your town!" I guess that legendary hip-hop group was being prophetic because these days, times sure ain't easy. And without going over the blow-by-blow of how screwed up our economy is, I'm sure you will agree that things in America and around the globe could be better, right?

But, hey -- lets look beyond the doom and gloom; I mean, this is the holiday season. And you can't let a little thing like a global economic meltdown ruin your Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus or whatever you celebrate. That's why we -- the fine editorial staff at Creative Loafing -- have assembled 40 of the best (and weirdest) holiday-oriented things to do and buy for $10 or less. So before you go shopping or start planning activities, peruse our list; we've undoubtedly found something that can save you money, time or a headache ... or at the very least make you shart with laughter.

Happy holidays!

1 Magic 8 Ball: Will I have a job next week? Is Christmas spending going to max out my Visa? In this time of uncertainty, the round ball with its icosahedral die may dispense answers that are as good as any. Inventor Abe Bookman probably didn't know just how timeless his toy would be. Found at Paper Skyscraper and other gift shops.

2 Gift certificate from RealEyes Bookstore (or other indie bookstore): A gift certificate from any independent bookstore, whether RealEyes, Park Road or BookBuyers, would be a welcome gift for any reader. And it'll support local businesses that offer incalculable value to the community.

3 Movies from eBay: You can purchase cheap new movies online, often at prices much cheaper than Target or Best Buy; sometimes they're even more affordable than used copies found at video stores. Buy now so you can count on receiving your wares by Christmas.

4 Donkey Cigarette Dispenser: If someone you love just doesn't give a damn what the surgeon general says, the donkey cigarette dispenser may be the gift you're looking for. Your friend can stash cancer sticks in the donkey's pack. When she needs a smoke, she can just press the burro's ears and voila! The donkey will dispense one from his butt. It may not be the classiest gift, but it'll be a memorable one. Mcphee.com, $7.95.

5 Donation to Crisis Assistance Ministry: Unless you've been living under a rock or spending money like Gloria Pace King at a Donna Karan sale, you know times are tough for a lot of Charlotte folks. The people at Crisis Assistance Ministry deal daily with long lines of people needing help with fringe expenses such as rent. Donating money in a friend's name gives your loved one the knowledge that he's helping someone keep the lights on and the rent paid -- a much better gift than slippers or some silly trinket. Except (cough, cough) a donkey cigarette dispenser, of course. www.crisisassistance.org. 500-A Spratt St., 704-371-3001.

6 Donation to spay/neuter fund: Charlotte-Mecklenburg Animal Care & Control has more than 600 applications from people who want to get their pets spayed or neutered. What the shelter doesn't have is money to keep the free clinic going: it's suspended new appointments until it can get more funds. The animal lovers in your life would love to know that, instead of buying them the usual crap, you gave money that prevented an unwanted litter of kittens or puppies from suffering. Send checks to Charlotte/Mecklenburg Animal Care and Control, 8315 Byrum Drive, Charlotte, N.C. 28217. Make sure to write spay/neuter clinic in the memo line.

7 Obama Paper Dolls: Do you know Obama fans who can't spring for a trip to D.C. next month to see him inaugurated? With these paper dolls they can stage their very own inauguration at home, and they won't even have to worry about parking. Your friends can dress Barack up in a snazzy wool topcoat, perfect for those chilly D.C. Januarys, or put Michelle in a paper replica of a sheath she made popular. The cost is $7.99 at Obamapaperdoll.com.

8 Holiday Film Series: Treating the whole family to a trip to the movies can be expensive, starting with those hefty admission prices. But thanks to the Holiday Film Series currently playing at the Ballantyne Village Theatre, tickets can be had for the low price of $5 each (or, if you want to watch in style, $7 for those plush leather seats). The lineup for the theater's latest Retro Series consists solely of seasonal fare. Upcoming is the classic It's a Wonderful Life (Dec. 12-14), the modern favorite Elf (Dec. 19-25), and the timeless The Wizard of Oz (Dec. 26-Jan. 1). For times and other details, call 704-369-5101 or go to www.bvtheatre.com.

9 Fight for Jesus: Need a free but feisty way to spend the time? You can find discussions held at coffeehouses on all sorts of topics, but to really watch some heated debates go nuclear; create your own discussion group that will tackle the question, "Is Martin Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ the best Jesus movie ever made or the most blasphemous Jesus movie ever made?" Personally, I think it's the best religious movie ever made -- it presents Christ as an approachable flesh-and-blood deity rather than an untouchable icon, thereby allowing us to truly appreciate how he died for our sins. But hey, there are devotees of that garish snuff film The Passion of the Christ who would vehemently disagree, and what better time to bring the two factions together than during the Yuletide season?

10 Trade your CDs: You never cared enough to open that Wayne Newton CD your mom bought you as a gift last Christmas. And clueless grandpa certainly wasted his money last year getting you that Police Academy box set. Have no fear: Take these and other unwanted CDs and DVDs to Manifest, establish trade-in credit, and then use that store credit to obtain gifts that you can give to other people. It doesn't cost you a dime, and it also helps clear your pad of some of the clutter.

11 Re-gift: So you're rummaging through a box in the attic, and you come across old audiocassettes of, say, Blondie's Parallel Lines or the Grease soundtrack. Don't chuck 'em! Instead, target your most gullible friends and pass the tapes along as Xmas gifts, insisting that they've become valuable collector's items over the decades and that it was hard for you to part with such treasures. They'll be so touched, they might even shed a tear or two.

12 Rent non-holiday movies: Having spent all your cash on presents, you suddenly find yourself without any resources come the weekend. Not to worry. Rather than hitting any expensive nightclubs during this holiday period, invite some friends over to your house, serve popcorn and spiked punch, and watch movies that have NOTHING to do with Christmas and EVERYTHING to do with partying (e.g. National Lampoon's Animal House, Swingers, Dazed and Confused, Boogie Nights).

13 Play a holiday drinking game: Better yet, invite friends over and make a drinking game out of it: Watch Yuletide movies like It's a Wonderful Life and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and any time a character says a word like "Christmas," "angel" or "tree," everyone has to take a shot. Last person who hasn't passed out wins the game. Bonus tip: To make the game go even faster, watch Bad Santa, and every time Billy Bob Thornton or any of the other actors spit out a profanity, everyone has to take a shot. (Note: If the Bad Santa option is chosen, the staff of Creative Loafing will not be responsible for any liver damage that might result.)

14 All Arts Market (Dec. 10): An All Arts Market will be held at Neighborhood Theatre, featuring approximately 90 Queen City artists selling their wares. Among the artists are William Puckett, Jerry Lee Kirk, David French, Cher Cosper and CL music editor Jeff Hahne. In addition, there will be live music. Free. For more information, go to nodarioty.com.

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Cheap-ass live music

15 The Noises 10 (Dec. 13): The Noises 10 always packs the Visulite Theatre with scores of fans. While a major label was on the horizon at one point, the guys have soldiered on through the fallen deal and released their latest CD, The Hammer The Anvil The Stirrup, in September. $10

16 A Night of Jazz and Hip-Hop (Dec. 13): A Night of Jazz and Hip-Hop will take over Tremont Music Hall with the sounds of Still Life Static, Fuzz and Mac, and Audioform. Charlotte's Still Life Static combines elements of rock, funk and hip-hop. Wilmington's Fuzz and Mac brings hip-hop in combination with elements of female-voiced soul. Charlotte's Audioform will bring the funky jazz. $8

17 Santa Baby & Misses Claus (Dec. 20): The Santa Baby & Misses Claus event at The Evening Muse is set to be a showcase of female vocal talent from the Queen City -- Combine the trio of Volatile Baby on the same bill as the quartet known as The Near Misses. It's the early, 8 p.m., show that night. $8

18 Double Door 35th Anniversary Party (Dec. 22): It's time to celebrate one of the Queen City's legendary venues -- The Double Door Inn is holding its 35th Anniversary Party. Sure, Clapton and Stevie Ray Vaughn won't be there, but you should be. The Monday Night AllStars, who have been performing at the club since almost the beginning, will be rocking the night away. $10

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19 Benji Hughes (Dec. 27): Benji Hughes released a double album this year, A Love Extreme, and the next thing you know, the hirsute one is popping up all over the national radar. If glowing reviews in Spin and Rolling Stone weren't enough, he's also made the list of top songs of 2008 in Blender and got a glowing recommendation from Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis in the same mag. Check him out in front of a small crowd while you can. Snug Harbor. Cost is t.b.a., but we can't imagine it being more than $10.

20 Free condoms: Condoms from the free clinic make an excellent gift. Or just man (or woman) up and buy a pack of Trojans at CVS. Safe sex is the best holiday gift of all and economically responsible. It means that this time next year you won't be spending your hard-earned money on diapers and baby clothes. And on providing for another human being for the next 17 years after that. That pack of condoms isn't looking so expensive now, is it?

21 Free massages: Want some low-cost holiday pampering? Try a massage date with your significant other at the Brookstone store in SouthPark Mall. You can get up to 20 minutes in the big massage chair until the manager comes over to politely ask you to leave. Thirty minutes and you get to meet the mall security. You don't have to just take your significant other -- it's fun for the whole family. Kids love seeing mall cops in uniform up close and personal!

22 Pirate tunes: CL does not endorse or encourage stealing music. That said, if you were to download LimeWire, click ignore when the pop-ups tell you that the music you are downloading may come from an illegal source, and burn the entirety of the new albums that just hit Best Buy at midnight onto a CD with clever artwork from Google images for free for your friends and family, we would not be responsible. At all.

23 Don't mix zodiac signs: Do not save money by combining gifts for your Sagittarius and Capricorn friends (example: "This is your Christmas and birthday gift!") unless you no longer want any Sagittarius or Capricorn friends. If they do remain your friend, do not expect a gift when your birthday rolls around in June, you selfish prick.

24 Employee discount: Get a job at the Dollar Store and enjoy an employee discount of 10-percent off all merchandise for your gift-giving needs. You're not one of those suckers who pays a whole dollar for your plastic clown statues and 3-pack of men's socks when you can get them for 90 cents each, are you? Thought not. Plus, you'll be making money while you shop. Take that, capitalism!

25 Pics for granny: Create a photo Web site for your elderly relatives using free sites like Flickr, Blogger or Wordpress, so that they, too, can be a part of the new fangled Internets and have something to brag about at bingo.

26 Microbe plush: What's the perfect gift for someone who's always sick? Why, a soft microbe plush, of course. At www.thinkgeek.com you can buy a variety of these cuddly toys in different shapes and colors to represent the best microorganisms, germs, viruses and diseases. Selections for $7.99 each include Head Lice, Mono, E. Coli, Chicken Pox, Herpes, Salmonella, the Common Cold and a whole lot more. With this gift, one thing's for sure: It'll have the receiver washing their hands off twice.

27 St. Nick Salt & Pepper Shakers: Santa's fallen down the chimney and he can't get out. But, at least his little misfortune can spice up your day with some laughs about this special set of St. Nick Salt & Pepper Shakers (with the jolly ol' fat man's feet hanging out of the chimney). Available for $4.79 at Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores or online at http://shop.crackerbarrel.com.

28 Photo coasters: Setting a beer down on your friend's face sounds fun, right? That's where the Photo Coaster Set available for $10 at Target Stores comes in. A great gift for someone you don't have a clue what to buy, this set is practical. But it can be made personal just by the touch of some photos. For more information, visit www.target.com.

29 Party for free: Yes, this is a shameless plug for Pop Life, the eclectic nightlife event sponsored by The Sol Kitchen and Creative Loafing, but damn, it's a free party! Check it out for art, film, cool people, tasty drinks, a funky vibe and the best blend of noncommercial music (like soul, Afro-beat, Brazilian, house and more) in the city. Every Wednesday, 6 p.m. at Apostrophe Lounge, 1440 S. Tryon (across from Amos' Southend).

30 Comic books: Back in the day, comics used to sell for, like, 25 cents. The price nowadays is way more expensive but, averaging around $3 per copy, they're still relatively cheap. You can snag around three for a little more than $9 or buy a low-priced collection around $9.95 (such as the Lone Wolf and Cub series from Dark Horse Comics). Find a comic shop near you at www.comicshoplocator.com or 1-888-comic-book.

31 Bus trip: Spending time with family is big around this time of the year. So, take them on a bus trip ... city bus, that is. Hop on Charlotte Area Transit and ride though the various neighborhoods to look at all the twinkling holiday lights.

32 Goodies from the office: Your office has a treasure trove of gifts. You just have to be careful when you're sneaking out pencils, pads and paper clips; the last thing you need is to get fired because you want to give your sister-in-law a pen with your company's logo on it.

33 Frozen treats: Inside your freezer, you've got chicken and other iced-over food that's been sitting there since July. You really need to get rid of that stuff. So, here's what you need to do: Take the food out of the freezer and make a family meal of it. Sure, someone may get sick or blow up your bathroom, but at least your freezer is cleaned out.

34 Game night: If you really want to make sure your family will have a good time this holiday season and get at least one good gift, why not organize a family game night? Pick a game like poker, or Monopoly (since it's more family friendly), and have your kinfolk bring over a gift. The winners of the different rounds get to choose a present. And everyone will leave with something -- you will just be stuck cleaning up the wrapping paper.

35 Write a letter to a deployed soldier: Imagine being a soldier, deployed overseas in a war-torn country, going to sleep Christmas Eve unsure if you'll live to see another day. You miss your family, your friends and the girl or boy back home who's waiting for you to come back. You didn't ask to be sent away. You didn't ask to miss out on the eggnog or the presents. You sure as hell didn't ask to replace that feeling of calmness and peace that wraps most people Christmas morning with fear and apprehension. Visit AnySoldier.com or SoldiersAngels.org to find out more information on how to send an encouraging letter or care package to someone serving our country during deployment. Wouldn't you want someone to write you?

36 Holiday cookies for the pets: During tough economic times, we tend to slack on the extras to save a little change. And when times are really hard, Fido tends to lose out on his goodies. Be honest: When you're surveying what's in the grocery cart and what's in your wallet, aren't the dog treats the first thing to be put back on the shelf? Be practical in your holiday shopping this year, and buy your pet-loving friends treats for their animals. PetSmart has candy-cane shaped rawhide for $8.99.

37 Amazon gift card: It's a scary time to be buying gift cards -- who knows how long the store will stay in business? Try a gift card from Amazon. Because, unlike Circuit City, you know Amazon won't go out of business anytime soon. Gift cards come in any amount from $5 to $5,000, they're redeemable for millions of items, they never expire and they ship for free.

38 Scrimping on holiday decorations: Don't let the high prices of holiday decorations deter you from doing up your own home; just be creative about it. Our suggestion is to take that digital camera of yours and take shots of Christmas trees around town, upload the photos to your computer and make a screensaver out of it. That way, you can experience the twinkling lights of the season without having to shell out the cash for it. Some good trees to photograph include the ones at the Epicentre, in Founders Hall, in Symphony Park at SouthPark and pretty much any mall in town.

39 Go ice skating: Try outdoor ice skating at WBT's Holiday on Ice on the Green in Uptown (425 S. Tryon St.). Sure, those kids zipping by can be intimidating, but for $10 ($7 admission, $3 skate rental) it's a cheap date. Besides, it's a Charlotte tradition. www.wbtholidayonice.com.

40 Enter a sexy Santa contest: You'd never use the word "sexy" to describe the jolly fat man in the red and white suit, but perhaps you could if you put that suit on a woman -- and took away some material. Less is more, people. BAR Charlotte is hosting its Naughty or Nice Xmas Party on Dec. 19, where they'll be giving away a cash prize of $500 to the sexiest Santa costume. Piece of advice: Avoid the long white beard. 300 N. College St. 704-342-2557.

(Matt Brunson, Jeff Hahne, Carlton Hargro, Cheris Hodges, Natalie Howard, Kimberly Lawson, Anita Overcash, and Karen Shugart contributed to this story.)

For holiday gift and event ideas that cost a little more than $10 -- showcasing stuff like cool books, CDs and more -- check out the Arts and Food & Drink sections.