Pesky Entertainment Tonight reporters? Awkward acceptance speeches? Bad wisecracks from host Whoopi Goldberg? Appearances by Charlize Theron and Ben Stiller?
Well, OK, we like that last one. Still, why sit through four hours of an Oscar telecast when you can zip through CL‘s own movie picks in the time it will take some addled celebrity to stumble through the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film? Here, then, is our look back at some of the highs, lows and what-have-you’s of the 2001 movie year.
Worst Auteur: Tom Green. The MTV spaz wrote, directed and starred in Freddy Got Fingered, the year’s most critically drubbed feature and a film that’s certain to live in infamy.
Best Scene Stealer: Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Runners-up: Paul Bettany as Geoffrey Chaucer in A Knight’s Tale; Michael Douglas as a pompadoured sleazebag in One Night at McCool’s; William Fichtner as a fey detective in What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
Most Miscast: Kevin Spacey as a twinkly alien in K-Pax. Spacey’s generally a great actor, but watching this firebrand talent go the Robin Williams route by playing an interstellar Patch Adams was enough to make even the most hardened of moviegoers hurl their popcorn — in both senses of the expression. Runners-up: Freddie Prinze Jr. as an FBI agent in Head Over Heels; Mike Tyson, playing himself as a sympathetic human being in Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles; Mariah Carey as a pop singer with talent in Glitter.
Most Unexpected Trend: Characters named Hedwig. Let’s face it: The name isn’t exactly as common as Tom, Dick or Harry Potter. Yet two films listed Hedwigs among their characters: the title transsexual in Hedwig and the Angry Inch and the majestic white owl in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Runners-up: the presence of man-eating hogs in both Hannibal and Snatch; demonic bunnies of the hallucinatory variety in both Sexy Beast and Donnie Darko; shapely bunnies of the Playboy variety in both Bridget Jones’s Diary (heroine Renee Zellweger mistakenly attends a formal party dressed as one) and Legally Blonde (heroine Reese Witherspoon mistakenly attends a formal party dressed as one).
Most Expected Trend: Misbehaving mutts. Every year, it seems we get at least one movie in which a dog either dry-humps a human or relieves itself where it shouldn’t. In 2001, we got to witness a Great Dane straddle heroine Monica Potter in Head Over Heels, a Doberman pinscher latch itself onto Billy Crystal’s crotch (twice) in America’s Sweethearts, and another pooch urinate on mobster Joe Viterelli’s leg in See Spot Run.
Best Ad Line: “He Saw The World In A Way No One Could Have Imagined.” — A Beautiful Mind. An ordinary tagline that takes on extra meaning after you’ve seen the film. Runners-up: “Accentuate The Negative.” — Ghost World; “His Love Is Real. But He Is Not.” — A.I. Artificial Intelligence; “Trust. Seduction. Betrayal. . .Everything Comes Full Circle.” — O; “3% Body Fat. 1% Brain Activity.” — Zoolander.
Worst Ad Line: “Get Dumped. Get Pumped. Get Even!” — Get Over It. The poster for this Kirsten Dunst dud earns extra discredit for picturing a dog humping the letter “G” in the title. Runners-up: “The Movie That Dares You To Come.” — Scary Movie 2; “Crime Is Not Only Done By Criminals.” — Novocaine; “Life Is An Adventure. Don’t Blow It.” — Bubble Boy; “Welcome To The Human Race.” — Driven.
Best Example Of Soulless Hollywood Moviemaking: 15 Minutes. A nihilistic bloodbath that tries to pass itself off as an expose on the cult of celebrity in America, this Robert DeNiro turkey was far more offensive than Freddy Got Fingered (which was merely moronic) or the year’s glut of inane gross-out comedies. Runners-up: Pearl Harbor; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Osmosis Jones; and three sorry sequels — Jurassic Park III, Rush Hour 2 and The Mummy Returns.
Best Historical Figure: Jon Voight, for portraying Howard Cosell in Ali, Franklin Roosevelt in Pearl Harbor, and daughter Angelina Jolie’s dad in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
Best Soundtrack: Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It was a good year for movie soundtracks, both of the song selection variety (Moulin Rouge) and the instrumental sort (A Beautiful Mind, Amelie). But the best of the bunch — as well as the undiscovered gem of the year — was John Cameron Mitchell and Stephen Trask’s score for their hip musical-comedy, with songs that originally appeared in the Off-Broadway production. By no means were these campy numbers a la Rocky Horror Picture Show; instead, with its mix of hard-rocking tunes and power ballads, this score would arguably satisfy fans of 70s rock anthems more than show tune aficionados.
Most Surreal Moment: The Big Trouble screening. On the morning of September 11, after hearing bits and pieces about planes crashing into the World Trade Center, I (and other equally shell-shocked critics) attended an advance screening for Big Trouble, a spectacularly unfunny Tim Allen comedy that climaxed with. . .a hijacked plane in peril.
Quickest Response By A Studio: Immediately upon returning to the office following the Big Trouble screening, there was a message from the Touchstone rep saying that the studio had decided to postpone the release of the picture — an appreciated gesture that was quickly followed by other studios with sensitive-material movies. (By the way, Big Trouble now opens next month.)
Slowest Response By A Studio: In my initial review of Kate & Leopold, I wrote, “Incidentally, do the filmmakers not realize that a climactic plot twist means two of the characters earlier committed incest, or do they just not care?” I dropped that line before the next edition of the paper for one reason: That flaw is no longer in the movie. Apparently, right before opening but right after national critics’ screenings, Miramax executives finally bothered to read the film’s script and realized the error of their ways, forcing them to get hold of all existing prints and reloop the dialogue in order to alter the characters’ relationship and void the taboo coupling. An awful lot of trouble for a movie that was still lousy.
Best Triple Play: OK, he was overshadowed by Robert Redford in Spy Game, but Brad Pitt continued to prove he’s a versatile (and somewhat underrated) actor with his eccentric and highly enjoyable turns in Snatch, The Mexican and Ocean’s Eleven.
Strike Three, You’re Out!: Whoopi Goldberg for Rat Race, Kingdom Come and Monkeybone; Josh Hartnett for Pearl Harbor, O and Town & Country; Gene Hackman for Behind Enemy Lines, Heist and Heartbreakers; Jennifer Lopez for The Wedding Planner, Angel Eyes and not relinquishing her 15 minutes of fame.
Curse Of The Living Corpse: Woody Allen, for still casting himself as characters who are sex magnets for gorgeous younger women (in 2001’s case, Charlize Theron in Curse of the Jade Scorpion). Runner-up: Burt Reynolds, looking frighteningly mummified in Driven.
Funniest Line In An Otherwise Bad Movie: “If I could go back in time, I’d want to meet Snoopy!” — airhead extraordinaire Melody (Tara Reid) in Josie and the Pussycats. Runner-up: “I’ll be as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.” — one of the tough guys in Heist.
Most Unintentional Irony: The plot for Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles centered around a studio notorious for producing shoddy sequels. . .uh, like this one.
Most Misplaced Ego: John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars. Kinda like saying Richard Nixon’s Watergate or Adolph Hitler’s Holocaust.
Best Accent: Renee Zellweger’s British accent in Bridget Jones’s Diary. Many Brits were livid when they initially heard this Texas native had been cast as their beloved literary heroine, but validation eventually came in the form of a $208 million international gross and, more pointedly, a Best Actress nomination from BAFTA (the British Oscars). Runner-up: Brad Pitt’s unintelligible Irish ramblings in Snatch. Authentic? Who knows? Funny? For sure.
Worst Accent: Nicolas Cage’s Italian accent in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Hard to believe this guy’s from Italian descent — he’s a Coppola, for chrissakes! Runner-up: Don Cheadle’s feeble British attempt in Ocean’s Eleven.
The Annie Hall Award For Best Date Movie: Amelie. Vive la France! Runners-up: Bridget Jones’s Diary; A Knight’s Tale; Shallow Hal.
Best Self-Contained Example Of Six Degrees Of Separation: Penelope Cruz makes Open Your Eyes with writer-director Alejandro Amenabar. Alejandro Amenabar makes The Others with Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman is formerly married to Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise co-stars in Open Your Eyes remake, Vanilla Sky, with Penelope Cruz.
Most Humiliating Moment Not Worth Any Size Paycheck: Two-time Oscar winner Sally Field, in full “white trash” mode, secretly wiping a sandwich under her armpits before handing it to her infirm husband (who had requested “extra salt”) in Say It Isn’t So. Runners-up: Rip Torn wiggling his bare white buttocks at Tom Green in Freddy Got Fingered; Kevin Spacey talking to the dog via “woof, woofs!” in K-Pax; Ray Liotta missing the top of his head during the silly climax of Hannibal; Sean Penn’s entire performance in I Am Sam.
Best Makeup: Planet of the Apes.
Best Breakup: Tom Green and Drew Barrymore. Drew, honey, your embarrassing cameo in Freddy Got Fingered proved it was time to cut this retard loose.
The Much Ado About Nothing Award: Popular Spanish star Penelope Cruz was carefully being groomed by Hollywood as the Next Big Thing. But after stiff turns in Blow, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Vanilla Sky, Cruz is mainly known stateside for the bad PR generated by her affair with Tom Cruise that began while the embers of his ill-fated marriage to Nicole Kidman were still warm. Runner-up: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, which was supposed to revolutionize the animated field but instead lost a fortune for its backers (it grossed a paltry $32 million against a whopping $137 million budget).
Only Odd Numbers Need Apply: The One; Jurassic Park III; Series 7; Session 9; Ocean’s Eleven; 13 Ghosts; 15 Minutes.
Logical Marquee Match-Ups: Legally Blonde, Totally Blonde; The Wedding Planner, The Anniversary Party; Joe Dirt, Joe Somebody; 3000 Miles to Graceland, Joy Ride; Head Over Heels, Intimacy, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Maybe Baby.
Best 2001 Movie Yet To Reach Charlotte: Lantana, an unusual Australian drama starring Anthony LaPaglia, Geoffrey Rush and Barbara Hershey. Any day now, theater bookers. . . *
This article appears in Mar 13-19, 2002.
