Bright Futures: Employees at The Creek Lounge on Monroe Road called police after their building was broken into last week. Sometime during the afternoon, someone broke in and took a 32-inch flat screen TV and $1,700 worth of neon signs — including a frog, a lizard, a blue marlin, a Carolina Panthers sign and many more. Police haven’t found the suspect yet but are searching satellite images for any house in Charlotte that is glowing from space.
Nacho Stop: Police responded to a domestic dispute at a bus stop last week after a man and woman were witnessed beating each other up while waiting for the bus. The report states that early one evening the woman walked into the Taco Bell where her boyfriend works and started harassing him. He left and walked to the bus stop where she grabbed him and wouldn’t let him get onto the bus. The man was able to push her off of him … and decided to step on her head while he waited for police to come and assist him. Both of the parties were arrested for assault and all parties on the bus were able to capture some awesome cell phone videos.
Juwanna Man: A 58-year-old woman filed a police report after she realized that someone stole some packages from her last week. She told officers that at some point around noon, a man stole two FedEx packages that were placed on her porch. One package contained a woman’s warm-up suit and the other contained a bottle of women’s hormone replacement pills.
Moped Wars: A 34-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted while riding down the street on her moped. She told officers that she was scooting around northeast Charlotte when two men on another moped pulled up next to her and hit her on the back of her head with a blunt object. The victim was wearing a helmet and was not injured. Of all the reasons there are to wear a helmet, the chance that this might happen is the most badass one.
Heavy Sleeper: A 49-year-old man called police after he was robbed by an unknown suspect while he was asleep. He told officers that the suspect stole $433 that was stashed in the sock he was wearing while he slept, as well as a metal box under his bed that contained at least 270 prescription pills. Well, that explains why he didn’t wake up. You probably could have punched him in the face and he wouldn’t have opened his peepers.
Sloppy Work: A woman filed a police report last week after screwing over a friend she was trying to help. The woman told police that she lost three very important tax forms that belonged to the 23-year-old woman whom she was doing taxes for. She told officers that she lost the paperwork while she was at Wild Wing Café some time between noon and midnight. After that fourth hour of drinking, it gets a little difficult not to get wing sauce on the forms.
Disappearing Act: Employees at a local Barnes & Noble called police after someone shoplifted from their store. The manager told officers that the suspect stuffed four Blu-Ray Harry Potter DVDs down his pants and walked out of the store without paying. The employees said that they weren’t too upset that the suspect stole from them but they don’t understand why nobody reads books anymore.
Punish Me: Police responded to a local high school last week after a teacher was assaulted. The 22-year-old victim told officers her student asked for a pass for after-school detention and that’s when he assaulted her. You don’t need a pass for detention — just do something crazy and they’ll send you there. But … you know that now.
Customer Service: Police responded to a larceny call at a local Fast Connections last week after a man helped himself to what he wanted. One employee told officers that he was showing a customer his own phone and giving him suggestions on what he should get when he became distracted with another customer. The first man he was helping grabbed his phone from the counter and ran out of the store.
Threat of the Week: A 32-year-old woman filed a police report after being harassed and threatened via text messages. She told officers that the man sent her four text messages for the purpose of scaring her. All the texts made sexual remarks but the winner of them all was the statement, “I am not going to chase you, but I am going to fuck you in your big asshole.” I feel bad making fun of people when I am certain that if they truly had a conversation with a professional, they would be diagnosed as “mentally challenged.” And that’s kind of sad.
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in May 3-9, 2011.
