Ingratiating yourself with the guys during football season can be quite a task. From late August through late January, men spout player statistics like it’s Shakespeare and participate in fantasy football leagues (still don’t quite understand those), shutting out any possibility of the women in their lives contributing to these conversations except to interject, “Can we talk about something else, please?”
Before the femi-nazis get upset, I recognize that women football fans, who know just as much about the game as every Tom, Dick and Bubba, do exist — but many women, including myself, think a tight end is an asset accentuated by those adorable spandex football pants. Needless to say, guys don’t like listening to women point out who has the cutest butt, or argue over exactly what shade of blue the Panthers jerseys are (turquoise or mallard?), but we don’t want to lose our men for the rest of the season, either. If the guys deem you worthy enough (or tolerable enough) to watch the game with them, there are things you can say and do to make them want you around through the post-season.
I asked some men and actually expected to get some honest, helpful hints on what girls could say to impress the guys during the game. This is what I got instead:
“Can I get you a beer from the fridge?”
“I’m going to run some errands. Be back in a few hours.”
The general consensus of the men surveyed was that the best thing a woman can say to impress a man while watching the game is absolutely nothing. This means no talking about irrelevant subjects and no stupid questions about the game itself. Annoying game-related questions include:
“Who’s winning?”
“Well, do we want them to win?”
“Can we flip to Sleepless in Seattle during the commercials?”
“Who’s winning now?”
“How do they manage to erase and repaint those yellow lines up and down the field every time there’s a first down? Amazing!”
That last one was an astute observation by yours truly who was not aware of the advances in digital technology. Don’t make the same mistake — I’m still living that one down. It’s very likely that if you don’t know a lot about football, you’re going to make a stupid comment at some point. Many football terms yield other interpretations. Thanks to the football glossary at www.firstbasesports.com, we can at least make an attempt to avoid these face-reddening situations. Here are some things you need to know:
Blackout They don’t mean a citywide power outage. In football, the term “blackout” is used when a regional TV network affiliate is forbidden from showing a local game because it didn’t sell out. Panthers fans should be very familiar with this term from our pre-NFC Championship days.
Bomb In this day and age of all things terrorist, the term “bomb” could send people stampeding from the stadium. Don’t worry; a bomb on the football field isn’t a security threat — it’s a lo-o-o-ng pass thrown to a receiver sprinting down the field.
Coverage No, this isn’t the same coverage we worry about when wearing a miniskirt or skimpy bikini. In football, “coverage” is the term used for preventing a player from gaining yards by catching a pass.
Eligible Receiver This doesn’t mean that the receiver is datable — although the Charlotte female population would be happy to hear it if that were the case. This term applies to any player allowed by the rules to catch a forward pass.
Pocket I’m not even sure if football players have pockets on their uniforms (ew, I hope not), but that’s not what they’re talking about. The “pocket” is the area behind the defensive line where the quarterback is protected by his blockers.
In the end, there’s not much you can say or do to get the guys to appreciate your presence during a game. My advice is to think out of the box (pun intended). If you want to score big points, watch the game with them at a strip club. After they’ve watched you get a lap dance with one eye while watching the opening kick-off with the other, you’re as good as gold — don’t ask me how I know this. It’s sad but true: men are just as pig-skinned as the footballs they fondle.
This article appears in Sep 8-14, 2004.
