The Viagra Triangle … why buy the bull when you can get the shit for free?

While in my Second City, Chicago, I found myself in what is known as the Viagra Triangle — a nightlife scene in which we even up a game, entitled “Father and Daughter – or- on a date?”

I couldn’t help but notice an excessive amount of silver-haired men fine dining and wining bleached blondes that made this “Puma” look like a “Cougar.” For the record, it wasn’t Father’s Day.

Speaking of Cougars … if they are older women who hunt younger men, then what are these older men who hunt for kitties? If men are dogs, then females are felines … Perhaps a hyena. A dog with a cackling laugh who preys and scavenges on the young (or weak, depending on their state of mind or level of intoxication).

And meanwhile the hot little kitties were digging their paws to strike gold. Because while these young ladies are someone’s daughter, when they’re calling these Hyenas daddy or old man, it’s probably not in the same context.

Why do Cougars get so much flack anyway? They’re probably only on the prowl because their Hyena husband left them for a newer model of cat, or is having an affair with one.

In addition to being cats and dogs and fighting like them, they say that women are crazy and men are stupid. This is true — women are cuckoo for Coca Puffs. What? … we are — it’s called estrogen and it’s sometimes sanctioned. But what is men’s excuse? I’m not sure whether or not they’re clueless, or actually out-smarting us.

For starters, what makes men think it’s OK to court a woman by asking, “Would you like to go get a drink?” Yes, we women like to go and drink up some nightlife … with our girlfriends. That invitation coming from someone trying to get to know me translates as: “I want to get you under the influence to better enhance my chances of getting you under the covers — and improve my social skills in the meantime.” But men do it, because some women make it OK for them to.

And men are quite business savvy — they want a return on their investment. The last few guys who have attempted to court me have sent some form of subliminal message inquiring as to their chances of getting physical with me within the same breath as requesting to spend time with me. As if they need to know that their anticipated investment of buying my meal or ticket would equate to a return in ASSets.

Is chivalry like an endangered animal? But I can’t necessarily fault a man for liquidating the ASSets at his disposal, girls make it too easy for them … but it seems as though that not being easy is making it hard to get a guy. Why would a guy make a long term investment when he can cash in an immediate return? They say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free … well, why buy the bull when you can get the shit for free?

This article appears in Jul 28 – Aug 4, 2009.