by Al Sharpton
I can't believe how completely normal Bill O'Reilly was at our dinner last week. He was exactly the same as every other white bigot I've ever broken bread with.
He showed up to the Harlem eatery out of breath, a mixture of sweat and tears running down his face. A look of bemused terror clung to him, similar to what an ant must feel when you spray his home with a Super Soaker 150 and his world, previously so safe and moundy, becomes suddenly deluged with water, terror and floating carcases of his little ant friends.
Bill looked comforted to see me. He instantly drew close and whispered: “I’m so scared."
After hugging me for a good 15 seconds, he whispered in a craze, "They can’t kill me when I’m next to you, you are the black people’s Jesus, right? Or is that O.J.?" Then he shouted, "Free O.J.!", raised his fist in the black power pose and looked around the room for approval.
A man at the counter shook his head and told him: "Relax, man. Be cool."
Bill shrieked at this, taking it as a death threat, and lost complete control of his legs. Desperately, he grabbed onto my shoulders for support and half fell to the ground awkwardly, his head dipping perilously close to my crotch. Then he plain gave up and fell flat on his back and just stared up at the ceiling with a completely blank expression — whiteness flushing over his visage.
We roused him and directed him to our table, but he refused to sit before unrolling a blanket to cover his side of the booth. I noticed he had yellow rubber gloves and what appeared to be a Hazmat suit under his regular suit.
Finally he seemed to calm down and declared defiantly that I would have to read him the menu because he couldn’t read Ebonics, the language of hate.
I tried to talk about the Jena case, but he was too far removed to carry on a conversation. By the time our food came, he was rocking back and forth like an autistic person, muttering things to himself, which I think were "Hail Marys."
Indeed, I was quite surprised what a typical white person Bill turned out to be.
News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.
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