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Friday, December 7, 2007
News F*** Terrorists — We Have to Watch Out for Emo Kids with Firearms
Posted By Web Editor on Fri, Dec 7, 2007 at 3:23 PM
By Samuel L. Jackson
I was watching CNN when the news broke about the mall shootings in Omaha. My first thought was, “Oh shit, them terrorists finally decided to make Homeland Security happy,” but as we know now, it ain’t terrorists we need to be afraid of. It’s standard-issue emo kids with firearm access.
This kid, Robert Hawkins, was a sorry-ass motherfucking excuse for a mass murderer. He killed only eight people before he offed himself – now what kind of a weak PG-13 body count is that? I walk into a crowded mall I ain’t coming out alive from, and you can bet your pimpled ass I’m taking out at least twice that. It ain’t worth my time unless I get NC-17. Might as well curl myself up in front of the TV and watch some I Love Lucy reruns.
And motherfucker killed himself after getting fired from McDonald’s? Holy shit, you stupid-ass motherfucker, the time to kill yourself is when you get hired at McDonald’s. If you get fired from Mickey D’s, you best consider yourself a god-damn prodigy; it takes some mad skills to get fired from a place that’ll even hire retards.
Oh, and he had also just gotten his ass dumped by a bitch. Ain’t that about as fucking cliche as you can get? Fired from work, dumped by a chick, high school drop-out, living with a friend’s parents … Of course this motherfucker was gonna shoot up a mall – he’d dropped out of high school and he wasn’t in college, so where else was he gonna go to drop a few bodies?
Next time some kid takes it into their fool head to blow away a bunch of strangers, it better be in fucking Times Square or some shit.
And another thing. Take a better god-damn picture. Look badass, you stupid fuck, not mildly perplexed. Shit.
News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.
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