Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hey little girl: How about I give you advice on how to be a little girl

Posted By on Thu, Apr 3, 2008 at 12:54 PM

So after my campaign stop in a bowling alley on Saturday everyone's had a joke.  Yes, I bowled a 37. Yes, I am aware that this is less than four pins a frame. Yes, I am aware that your retarded cousin bowled a score twice that high at your birthday party when you were in third grade. And yes, I am aware that your mother made you invite him when you didn't want to.

But the New York Daily News took it a step further. They interviewed a 10-year-old girl who is better at bowling than I am: little Gabriella Lamas of West New York, New Jersey. And honest to blog, if she wasn't smug about it. First of all, OK, yeah, so she's better than me. But she's been bowling for FIVE YEARS. Since kindergarten. Kids learn fast at that age. I hadn't bowled since the 70s. Do you know what the 70s are, Gabriella? Of course you don't. You're 10.

Second of all, she had the nerve to give me advice. "You have to look at the pins when you throw it," she said. Really, Gabriella? Look at the pins? Well, gosh darnit I guess THAT was my problem. I was looking at the ceiling. Or at the tops of my shoes. Honestly, how patronizing can you be, Gabriella? I mean, I'M SORRY that I'm not as gifted a bowler as you.

How would you like it if I gave you advice on how to be a little girl? Huh? How about this: Don't wear pigtails, they make you look like a 7-year-old. How do you like that, Gabriella? Or this: When Jimmy Fischer flipped up your skirt on Tuesday it was because it was flip-up-skirt day and not because he likes you. Jimmy Fischer hates you. Also, Zack and Cody? THEY AREN'T REAL PEOPLE. So, yeah, you can stop writing "Zack + Gabriella 4ever" in your diary (yes, I read your diary. AND LAUGHED). And that girl that was in High School Musical took naked pictures of herself and they ended up on the internet. Have fun explaining that one, Mom.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.

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