The first thing I do on Friday when I get off work is send a text along the lines of “What are we doing tonight?” The question implies there is no option, and like clockwork, the response is normally, “I have no clue. But I’m down! [insert dancing girls emoji].”
That is what you’d call a true P.I.C. — a partner in crime.
A P.I.C. is the person you call no matter what, whether you’re in jail or you’re on a miserable date, but especially if you’re ready to drink. He/she is always there and always down for the party. Even when you end up at a hole-in-the wall or the middle of an empty dance floor, you end the night with a happy if exhausted “That was so much fun.”
But don’t miss out on the good ones. I almost did many times. The most recent example was a co-worker at my previous job. She was the new girl, dressed all professional career woman with a super-friendly smile. Too friendly, in fact. I was “too cool for school,” a veteran of sorts, and going through an intense (cue Drake) “No New Friends” phase. I was genuinely uninterested in making any new acquaintances.
But one day, I had to eat lunch with her alone. I texted another co-worker: “What the hell are we going to talk about?” As we ate and chatted about nothing, I could feel anxiety bubbling inside my chest, racking my brain to find new topics to cover. Then she told me a story about getting so drunk at her previous supervisor’s baby shower that she ended up throwing up in the bathroom and passing out. That’s when I knew we were definitely going to get along. That conversation opened a door, and since then we have been tearing up the Queen City one, two and three drinks at a time. She is now a certified P.I.C.
In the past few years, I have managed to get a solid group of P.I.C.s together, some of whom I also initially gave the cold shoulder. Oops. I guess you could say I’ve learned a thing or two about what makes a good one. Here are some things to consider when scouting out tonight’s drinking partner.
Keep in mind that a true P.I.C. will:
Wipe your tears. Don’t mind the snot, when you are too drunk and crying for no reason, a P.I.C. will be there — even if you’re in the middle of the street with no shoes on — with another drink. And probably on the verge of tears, too.
Force you to keep drinking. Oh, you just vomited? That’s OK. Time to brush your teeth and eat some bread. Better yet, you’ll hear something like, “Isn’t that your first beer? Are you babysitting? I’m way past you.” And that is your cue to catch up. But more than likely, he/she’s been filling you up the whole time and you’re just too stupid to notice.
Force you to go out. There’s no such thing as being too tired or too hungover to go out. Even if you are staring at each other in silence while trying to keep a shot down. Even if you have fallen multiple times before putting on your shoes. You will still walk out of the door. Oh, and this includes weekdays. Rain or shine. Work the next day or not.
Support your alter-egos. No matter what, you can count on a P.I.C to fully support any and all alter-egos you take on. This even includes pretending to be your lesbian lover when there is a douchey guy on the loose. Or speaking in a British accent all night long with you.
Carry you. A “friend” helps you carry furniture; a P.I.C. will carry you — or drag you, especially if there is a height/weight difference — when you’re too drunk to function. He/she will even stay up all night checking your vitals to keep you from waking up in the hospital looking at your parents.
Pig out. Even though you both know you don’t need it, nothing tastes as good as pizza, leftover Thai and/or Italian. You can count on a P.I.C. to completely pig out with you at 3 a.m. And probably even throw up with you after.
Who do you turn to when the night is young? Did they pass the test? If not, you may want to reconsider him/her the next time you go out. I’m just saying.
Mobile
