Though you may lust after The Situation's abs and yearn for the svelte Denzel Washington to kiss you good morning after a night of lovemaking, according to a new study, you're better off with a fat dude.

Seriously, I wouldn't joke about this.

Researchers at Erciyes University in Kayseri have just completed a yearlong study correlating body mass index (BMI) and male sexual performance. Their findings: Men with excess body fat last longer in bed. In fact, heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes, while slender men could count themselves lucky if they held on for a mere 108 seconds.

The reason? Female hormones. Men with excess fat showed higher levels of the female estradiol sex hormone. This substance apparently disrupted their bodies' natural "male" neurotransmitter chemicals and slowed their progression towards orgasm. Ironically, the less masculine their bodies appeared, the better lovers they proved to be.

The scientists compared the BMI and sexual performance of over 100 men who were being treated for sexual dysfunction with 100 other males who lasted longer during sex. They found that men suffering from premature ejaculation were on the whole thinner and fitter than their "better endowed" brethren.

Now, let that sink in. The next time you're complaining about your man's weight gain, you should think about how long the sex lasts.

Let him have that extra beer and pork chop because, at least in the study, fat is where it's at.

By Rhiannon Bowman

We love sex, so let's stop pretending that we don't. Good sex is one of the best things life has to offer but, apparently, everyone already knows that ... even though some (Ladies, I'm looking at you) don't seem to totally get it.

Here are a few of latest sex headlines:

• Sex in the U.S.: New survey reveals our steamy secrets — Associated Press
• Pretzel nation: We aren't as bland as we might think — MSNBC
• The Ass Man Cometh: Experimentation, orgasms, and the rise of anal sex — Slate
• Federal judge charged with buying drugs from stripper — Atlanta Journal Constitution

Though it's nice to see we're finally talking about sex like grown-ups, there are a few things about the recent sex study that are concerning. Let me sum up:

Something caused a 49-year-old Salisbury woman to say, I want a divorce.

She and her husband had been a married for 29 years, according to police and media reports. Well, somewhere in Rowan County, there's another wife he's been married to for four years.

Lt. Terry Agner told WBTV that a 49-year-old Salisbury woman came to the Sheriff's office to report that she was seeking a divorce from her husband of 29 years.

That's when investigators say she discovered that her husband had married another woman in 2006.

The case has been forwarded to detectives for investigation.

It seems like every year some marriage ends because the husband has more than one wife — which is illegal people!

In 2008 a Cramerton man was trying to divorce his two wives and got busted.

Police have arrested a Cramerton man on bigamy charges.

Authorities told the Gaston Gazette that Robert Cribb married a woman named Teresa Bradley while he was still being married to his wife, Lisa Cribb.Police said Robert married the other woman so that she could legally leave South Carolina despite being on probation, and police said he told them he is trying to get a divorce from both wives. Cribb has been released from jail on $10,000 bond.

There is even a police officer from this area who was caught up in bigamy.

A police officer in a North Carolina town has been fired after he was charged with bigamy for getting married without divorcing his first wife.

Monroe police chief Debra Duncan said Tuesday that Darryl Howard was charged and then released on $1,000. Howard's court date is Dec. 4.

Duncan says the former officer has a wife in Monroe whom he married in 1986. He later married a woman in without getting a divorce. The officer was charged after the second wife tipped police.

Howard has worked at the Monroe department since 2002.

Duncan said the case shows that police officers are not above the law.

Some of you single ladies out there should be glad you didn't run across one of these multiple-marrying guys to get a ring put on it.

A Charleston deputy is in the worst kind of trouble right now, he's accused of rape.

Charleston is one of the cities Creative Loafing highlighted in our summer guide and is a destination trip for people in our area. So, that makes this allegation of rape by a law enforcement officer scary and damaging.

Here's what allegedly happened:

Multiple media outlets reported that police arrested 25-year-old Pressley LeGrande Gaskins and charged him with first-degree criminal sexual conduct and kidnapping after he surrendered to investigators Tuesday.

Charleston sheriff's Chief Inspector Mark Fields says Gaskins has been placed on administrative leave without pay until the case is resolved. Gaskins had been with the department for three years.

Affidavits say the woman was held against her will and Gaskins repeatedly assaulted her Sept. 23.

The woman told police she had been drinking at a bar and met the officer, who followed her when she went out to smoke.

The problem in cases like these is that most of the public will automatically side with the law enforcement officer. How else can Charlotte explain how former Charlotte Mecklenburg Police Officer Marcus Jackson got away with his alleged crimes for so long?

According to RAINN, an anti-assault organization:

Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported.

It's easy to see why when stories about law enforcement officers accused of sexual assault keep popping into the headlines.

That baby doesn't look like you and you're not trying to pay child support for 18 years and on that child's birthday you find out you are not the father.

Believe it or not, the state doesn't want that to happen to you either. The Charlotte Observer is reporting that Mecklenburg County is offering paternity testing for all men in North Carolina questioning if the child is theirs or not.

The genetic testing will be offered from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Oct. 5 to 7 at the Mecklenburg County Child Support Enforcement Office, which is located at 5800 Executive Center Dr. in east Charlotte.

Christy Stacy, a child support supervisor, said the test, which includes a DNA sample, may take about 15 minutes, and potential fathers need to bring photo identification with them. The child and mother do not need to be present, but their DNA samples will be needed to complete the test.

Stacy said the event will be open to men alleged to be the fathers of children in North Carolina. If the child doesn’t live in Mecklenburg, she said information would be forwarded to the child support office where the child lives.

Stacy said results from the test should be available in three to four weeks. If the result is positive — meaning the child, father and mother match — there will be a charge of up to $90.

You better be sure that you're not the father if you take part in this testing — at the child support office — because I'm sure you have to give all of your information if you want to participate and if you are the father, they're going to get you.

I just wonder if any of this will be going on when the test results come back:

If you were wearing a skirt and in Target in Uptown on Friday, you may be on camera.

Police arrested a man in the discount store for shooting shots of women with a cell phone camera attached to his shoe. (How in the world does that work?)

Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department says Andrew McKenzie was caught peeping at several customers in the woman's clothing section of the Target located at the Metropolitan off of Charlottetown Avenue and Kings Drive.

The incidents happened just before noon.

McKenzie was given a $5,000 bond.

If you want a Big Mac, fries and a sundae go to McDonald's. And if you eat all that in one seating, you're probably going to end up in the bathroom. (Y'all saw Super Size Me.) But if you're going to McDonald's in the Charlotte area to place an order for bathroom sex, you're going to jail.

Huntersville resident Wilson Toro found that out the hard way.

According to the Huntersville Police Department, Wilson Toro, of 12320 Cross Meadow Road, posted an ad on Craigslist requesting sex with another man.

A detective with the police department's computer crimes unit found the solicitation on the website.

Police say Toro, 35, set up a meeting on Wednesday, September 15 with an undercover officer at the McDonalds restaurant on Boren Street.

When Toro arrived, police questioned and arrested him. Toro was charged with Solicitation of Crimes against Nature and taken to the Mecklenburg County Jail.

I went to Craigslist and searched the adds from Sept. 15 to see what could've spurred police into action — because, after all, personal ads aren't illegal. I'm guessing that posting in the personal section "Any Broke College Boys Need Work?" will raise some eyebrows.

We're all criminals. We're all breaking the law every chance we get.

Not you, you say? That's a lie, according to Dumblaws.com. We're all doing something in North Carolina that's illegal when it comes to sex. Sadly, most of us aren't even getting paid for it.

North Carolina has specific laws about sex and if you're over 21, you've probably broken many of them.

Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.

And here is a Charlotte specific law that is broken every weekend at the EpiCentre:

Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

Here's a law that you might like, especially if you have a commitment shy boyfriend or girlfriend.

If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

So it's harder to get your adult services from Craigslist now. Have no fear, seeker of random hookups on the Internet, Charlotteohsohandy is here.

Much like Craigslist, the site offers classifieds and a personal section. If you look closely, you can find ads for "a well-endowed male seeking wetness" and a hook up for the week.

But if Craigslist has taught us anything about online lust, you have to be careful. A pretty face or hot body could be hiding a killer instinct.

Please, however, be cautious when establishing a relationship online. The dangers are there, so be sure to watch for red flags. As much as we would like to be able to believe this person might be "the one", the truth is they certainly may not be. Never give your information online, regardless of how long you have been talking to this person.