28 Months Later 

These days, we know Bush and Co. lied through their teeth in order to go to war. And the result? A brutal quagmire that didn't have to happen. More than 1,700 of our soldiers are dead, more than 13,000 wounded; we're spending $5 billion a month, US credibility is weakened around the world, we've inspired a whole new generation of terrorists, and there's no exit in sight. Now, after the London bombings, all that PR nonsense about fighting terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to fight them at home has blown up in the bullshitters' faces. Our great protectors have taken to following Pakistanis in Lodi, CA, looking for phantom al-Qaeda cells.Trouble is, the people who got us into our current nightmare still won't admit the whole thing was an epic-scale screw-up. In fact, Bush went on TV a couple of weeks ago to tell America that things in Iraq are actually, umm, going well; no really. . . and all we need to do is, umm, keep doing more of the same. 'Cause W says so.

You may think it's a coincidence that since we invaded Iraq, there's been a surplus of zombie flicks: 28 Days Later, the Dawn of the Dead remake, and now Land of the Dead. But you'd be wrong — dead wrong. It's no coincidence at all. Zombies are walking among us now — war zombies, that is. These new examples of the living dead are people like the Prez and numerous others who don't realize their rationales and excuses are history, kaput, finished, defunct, d-e-a-d. And yet they still roam the streets and airwaves, blathering on, talking about "freedom's on the march," as if everything has worked out just the way they planned.

Truth be told, these poor zombies can't help themselves — they're still infected with the war virus that got us into this mess in the first place. We say it's time they recover from this disease and return, safe and sane, to the real world. To that end, our special CL Zombie Intervention Squad got together and designed individualized plans for ten known war zombies, both major and minor, national and local, in order to bring them back to reality. Remember — Dawn of the Dead taught us we can never stop taking zombies seriously, no matter how slow and dense they may seem.

ZOMBIE #1: VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY

QUOTE: "The level of activity that we see today from a military standpoint, I think, will clearly decline. I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." — June 20, 2005

INTERVENTION: Donald Rumsfeld says the insurgency could last up to 12 years and the Prez admits it's going to be a "long, tough road." Clearly, Dick, you are out of sync with your team. As a former corporate honcho, you're no doubt familiar with team-building exercises, so get ready. Your intervention will consist of taking part in an intensive regimen of team-building, led by experts from Harvard Business School. Maybe you'll rejoin the reality-based community after participating in popular team-building games, such as "Falling Backward Into the Arms of Your Teammates," "Group Pull-ups," "Welded Ankles" (maybe inspired by Abu Ghraib), "Switch/Change/Rotate" (currently used in trying to save Karl Rove's hide) and "Vision Quest." We've saved the best for last: the infamous "High Ropes Course" — 30 feet up in the trees, wearing harnesses and helmets, and walking on cables or logs. It might be a little rough on the old ticker, but hey, at least you'll be rehabilitated.

ZOMBIE #2: PAUL WOLFOWITZ, FORMER DEPUTY DEFENSE SECRETARY, CURRENT PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK

QUOTE: "For bureaucratic reasons we settled on one issue, weapons of mass destruction, because it was the one reason everyone could agree on." — Vanity Fair, July 2003

INTERVENTION: Paul, for bureaucratic reasons, we've decided that as the leading neo-conservative theoretician, your intervention will involve delivering a series of lectures to top staff members at the White House, the Defense and State Departments, all Republican members of Congress, and the White House press corps. Your talks will explain why the reasons you and your cohorts gave for invading Iraq were completely off the mark, and how you managed to "fix the intelligence," to quote the Downing St. memo, in order to justify the attack. You will continue lecturing, you might almost call it filibustering, until everyone is convinced of the errors of their, and your, ways. Oh, and the whole thing will be broadcast on Al-Jazeera and PBS (which will get extra funding to accommodate you).

ZOMBIE #3: REP. SUE MYRICK

QUOTES: "Right now the Iraqi people are experiencing what it's like to live under freedom. That's a messy process." — Canada Free Press, August 3, 2004

"I warned a year ago that Iraq had nuclear weapons, but nobody wanted to talk about that." — speech at a function hosted by Amway honcho Dexter Yager in - get this! - 1994

"[My husband] Ed and I for years, for 20 years, have been saying, 'You know, look at who runs all the convenience stores across the country.' Every little town you go into, you know? I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that there are people who don't like us all over this country no matter what their nationality may be."

"Our people in Iraq are helping the young Iraqis so they don't become terrorists and they are seeing that we're not the bad people they've heard we are. It's going to be long term, and we knew that when we got into Iraq." — News 14 Carolina, June 13, 2005

INTERVENTION: No, actually, we didn't know the war would be "long term." In fact, W & Co. gave the distinct impression it wouldn't last long at all. But given the inconsistent nature of your comments, that's almost irrelevant. According to your statements, we're helping young Iraqis, but Arabs running American convenience stores are threatening. Maybe the following "messy process" will help you see the error of your ways: we're sending you to Tikrit to run a 7/11 store — you'll have to get your Slurpee machine license first — and talk enthusiastically to all your customers about the freedom they can find in things like doing without electricity for hours on end, looking over their shoulders for guys with RPGs, burying their kin, and roaming the streets looking for uncontaminated water. We're sure they'll soon understand you're not the bad person they heard you were.

ZOMBIE #4: PUNDIT AND AUTHOR SEAN HANNITY

QUOTE: "With the capture of Saddam Hussein the war in Iraq is largely over... " — Deliver Us From Evil, 2004 (pages 271-272)

INTERVENTION: So, the war is over, huh? Maybe this will bring you back to Earth: we've arranged for you to take a hitchhiking tour of the Sunni Triangle, along with your radio producer/sidekick Flirty Flipper who will be traveling with (gasp!) her head completely uncovered. For you, we've bought custom-made stars-and-stripes speedos that ought to keep you cool in the desert heat. Feel free to stick out your (right) thumb and hitch a ride anywhere in this friendly, democratic country you know so much about. Let us know when you've seen the light.

ZOMBIE #5: RADIO HOST AND AUTHOR RUSH LIMBAUGH

QUOTE (referring to Democrats and opponents of the war): "Bad news for America is good news for them; good news for America, bad news for them. It's gotten to the point now where the more deaths in Iraq the better for them."

INTERVENTION: Rush, this kind of delusional thinking is hard to counteract. We've tried and tried to come up with a plan that would make you see reason and admit that the whole Iraqi thing has been a big fat mistake, but we're frankly stumped. Maybe it's the drugs talking and not you, so before we do anything drastic, we're sending you to rehab for your Oxycontin jones to clear your mind and get a good spiritual program going. Just don't come back humming the song Al Franken wrote about you, "My Drugs Are Red White and Blue."

ZOMBIE #6: TOBY KEITH, COUNTRY SINGER

QUOTE: "Last year when I was over there, I didn't feel like it was anything we could ever win. But this year ... four out of five of the Iraqi people would wave. . .Iraqis want our great boys and girls over there. They're tasting freedom for the first time." — The Early Show on CBS, June 22, 2005

INTERVENTION: Hey, you can't get a more valuable report on Iraq then from a singer who flew over the place in a helicopter. Maybe a closer look at the situation on the ground would be enlightening, Toby. We've arranged for you — and your fellow country warriors Charlie Daniels and Darryl Worley, who'll be along for the ride — to regale the population of Baghdad with a special show. You'll cruise around the city on a flatbed truck rigged up with a killer sound system and sing your hit song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" to all those freedom-tasting folks. Maybe you'll get to meet those four out of five waving Iraqis. Don't get too close, though, since you don't really know what they're waving.

ZOMBIE #7: CHARLOTTE MAYOR PAT MCCRORY
QUOTES: "There are many ways to be involved [in “supporting the troops"], from simply flying the flag to tying yellow ribbons around trees to checking on neighbors who are family members of deployed military personnel.” — Charlotte Observer, March 26, 2003

"[President Bush] understands that to protect cities, we must take the war to those who would destroy us." — Republican national convention, August 30, 2004

"President Bush shows decisive leadership and he's been consistent and he's been straightforward with the people." — Republican National Committee press conference, July 28, 2004

INTERVENTION: Pat, get your fratboy self over to the Middle East and be "straightforward" with the people you meet about your feelings regarding the war. Maybe ask them about Greek life in Iraq. Reactions should clue you in on the real world — you know what we mean, the world without rich white people. Then you can come home. Hopefully, by the time you catch on that the whole war has been a calamity and has weakened the US rather than strengthen it, no one will have rolled you with your own yellow ribbon.

ZOMBIE #8: COLUMNIST AND AUTHOR DAVID BROOKS

QUOTE: "[O]ne thing is for sure: since we don't have the evidence upon which to pass judgment on the overall trajectory of this war, it's important we don't pass judgment prematurely. . . It's just wrong to seek withdrawal now, when the outcome of the war is unknowable and when the consequences of defeat are so vast." — New York Times, June 23, 2005

INTERVENTION: David, David, David. You're a baby boomer, right? So you probably remember Vietnam? Oh, you don't? Well, it was another great big, unnecessary mess, except even worse. In those days, pundits like you kept urging us to "stay the course" because "the consequences of defeat are so vast." Well, you know what? We didn't exactly win that one and we're still here and communist Vietnam is practically begging for American investors. Your intervention is simple: We've collected hundreds of thousands of pages of "we can't withdraw" columns from the Vietnam era, and set up a table in the Library of Congress where you can read them over and over until you finally get it. First, we'll give you a few days to get some new Coke-bottle lenses for your glasses so you don't get a headache.

ZOMBIE #9: CATHY C. FLOYD, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER COMMUNITY COLUMNIST

QUOTES: "I have to wonder how many of those who have died in the last year have died because of the political discourse here that has been beamed to all corners of the planet. . . All of this turmoil at home is fanning the fires of the insurgency." — February 15, 2005

"There is now a move afoot in Washington to set up a government office to document civilian casualties of our military actions . . . I'm all for it — as long as the data collection is held to the standards of academic research . . . and we report all casualties related to the conflict and its antecedents — not just those brought on by those nasty American military operations." — May 17, 2005

INTERVENTION: Cathy, we like your idea of being extra-meticulous in documenting Iraqi casualties. So, as your intervention, you'll get to do it yourself! Yes, we're sending you to Iraq to roam the cities and countryside documenting every civilian death you can find. Looks like you'll be busy for quite some time since estimates range from 20,000 to 100,000 Iraqi civilians killed since we started bringing them the benefits of freedom. At some point, maybe it'll come to you that half-baked ideas and poorly thought-through policies can have very real and very deadly consequences. Be sure to bring your calculator. And maybe some body armor.

ZOMBIE #10: US REP. ROBIN HAYES
QUOTES: "There could not be a finer facility,"— June 28, 2005, speaking of a visit to the Guantanamo prison in Cuba

"Saddam Hussein and people like him were very much involved in 9/11." — On CNN, June 29, 2005

(Told by CNN's Carol Costello that no investigation had ever found evidence linking Saddam and 9/11, Hayes answered, "I'm sorry, but you must have looked in the wrong places," adding that the connection has been seen "time and time again.")

INTERVENTION: Robby, we want to give you one last chance. Meditation has helped a lot of people to regain a sense of balance and connection to reality, so we're taking you to a quiet lakeside where you'll sit down, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and then listen to a tape loop of President Bush when he said, "We've had no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with the September 11 attacks." Try that for say, 24 hours, and then we'll see if you've gotten the message and can keep it, one day at a time.