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A new device advances the art of self-gratification 

This summer don't be surprised if there's a sudden drop in the number of men seen out on the town — now that there's a magical new device that combines the art of self-loving and video games. Charlotte-based AEBN, the world's largest adult video-on-demand technology company, will soon unveil Real Touch, a "remote tactile stimulator" that's destined to make the old-fashioned way of achieving self-gratification go the way of cassette tapes.

Officially unveiled this January at AVN's Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas and -- company reps say -- available for purchase in June, Real Touch (which resembles some type of bizarre, streamlined cylindrical kitchen appliance) uses a combination of hardware and software to reproduce physical sensations that mimic sex acts. The user simply plugs in the device, connects it to his computer via USB cables, and then, um, introduces it to his own joystick. The bump and grind taking place on the screen sends electronic cues to Real Touch, which via a series of belt drives, lube reservoirs and heating elements, stimulate the user according to what's happening in the movie. Think of it as an adults-only version of Nintendo Wii.

According to an AEBN spokesman, Real Touch was designed by a NASA engineer (apparently there's a lot of masturbation going on in space) using "haptic" technologies (a fancy word for remote tactile stimulation). "There's nothing else like it," said brand manager Brett Drysdale. "It's the only device that brings together the sensory stimulation of sight, sound and touch. It's the ultimate hands-free technology."

The Real Touch device (which some clever wits are calling "robopussy") costs about $150, and is designed to work with AEBN's library of specially encoded point-of-view videos. It takes about eight hours to program 20 minutes of footage, ensuring that every gesture, movement and act is perfectly synchronized. AEBN's videos, which cost $1 per minute, feature a variety of porn stars (both gay and straight), including Amy Fisher. Yes, that Amy Fisher, the "Long Island Lolita" convicted of the 1992 shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco -- for those who enjoy the idea of sex with a convicted felon.

It's the perfect solution for the dating-impaired on those nights when you're horny and alone and your hand and a bottle of lube just won't do the trick. Moreover, the nifty gadget is always in the mood, never complains when you toss your dirty underwear on the floor, and there's none of that pesky snuggling or awkward goodbyes to worry about when you're done. And think of all the money you'll save! In fact there's undoubtedly a pasty white mouth breather toiling away in his basement right now working on the next generation of high-tech sex toys that will also cook and clean. Who needs computer dating when you can actually date your computer?

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