May 08, 2002 News & Views » Cover

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Bound and Determined 

Dominance and submission are latest Charlotte growth industry

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The goal is a mutual exchange of pleasure, but Ted and his sub derived their pleasure from two different sources, though it's not obvious on the surface. Ted is completely dedicated to his preoccupation of "owning" his female submissive, and teaching her his specific likes and dislikes so that she could eventually learn to keep him happy in every sense he needed her to. His submissive, in turn, derived her pleasure directly from being able to do anything and everything he asked in order to please him; her personal inconvenience or physical discomfort were unimportant.

In this intimate relationship, he ran the show. He would give his sub a day or two notice when he wanted to see her. He rarely asked her if she was free, as it became her job to free up her calendar whenever he summoned her. These D/s "sessions" or "scenes," as they're called in the community, could last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days. What kept her going? Her failure to listen to instructions, for him to have to wait or to repeat himself, could lead her to being subjected to consequences that could include any degree of physical pain, or what she considered to be worse, his ignoring her.

If this sounds like a game ordinary couples might play behind closed bedroom doors, think again -- the woman he described to me was not his girlfriend, nor was she a prostitute. She was simply his sub. His traditional, or "vanilla" relationship as he called it, mimicked that of any other. It was the relationship that his friends and family knew about; no one except for his girlfriend knew about his female submissive. In their eyes, there was no infidelity in their relationship. His girlfriend knew of her lover's sub, though the two had never met, and vice versa.

The source of his desire to be a Dom was his need to control without resistance. This Dom had been on his own from a very young age, and developed a lucrative career for himself in the racing industry, which carried an enormous amount of responsibility. His professional mistakes were outfront for the public to see, and his job was on the line with every race. His ultimate fear was having to give up control on any level of his life -- personal, financial, or sexual. He could never bring himself to do it.

Many of our inner fears and needs, any psychologist will tell you, can manifest themselves in our sexual behavior. This Dom's need for control gradually reached a level beyond what his current girlfriend could comply with, or had any desire to. He cared enough about their commitment to each other to stay together, and in turn, she chose to accept, rather than to change, his dominant tendencies which he felt were innate. They eventually found a solution that satisfied them both. That's when they found his female submissive.

Ted says his dominant tendencies went further back than his current girlfriend, all the way back to his teens. He had no idea until he came to the States that what he once described as "his personal kink" was oddly common. He soon found himself waist deep in the D/s subculture, learning the ropes -- and how to tie them.

Reverse dating

Prostitution, it isn't. These female submissives, and males on occasion, find their dominant counterparts with relative ease. That is, if you can believe the fact that there aren't enough experienced Dominants to go around for the subs who are looking for them. There is a pronounced community shortage. Oddly, it's nationally known among those in the lifestyle that North Carolina is a breeding ground for Domless submissives. Right here in the Bible Belt. Imagine that.

Female subs don't necessarily have sexual issues either -- this isn't domestic violence; everything is done by adult consent, and in some cases, actual written contracts of what is allowed and forbidden. It's a handy little thing if a neighbor hears a woman screaming next door and the police show up. The whole D/s ritual isn't about sex at all, which contradicts one of many misguided myths.

The driving force behind the curtain is control. One gives, the other takes. It may seem on the surface that the Dominant has all the cards and has found some poor weak submissive to prey upon, but ask any Dominant and he or she will tell you that it's the submissive that truly holds the reins. She is free to end the relationship or any session at any time she chooses. Her Dom only has as much control as she allows him to have.

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