Of Joints And Junior 

All the warning signs were there: the furtive phone calls, the vague explanations, the red eyes, and the unmistakable smell. John and Debby knew something was going on with their then 15-year-old son. They demanded to see what was inside his footlocker, which he had recently secured with a padlock. Grudgingly, he opened it. Both parents peered inside. Aha, they knew it. There, in a little box, was a baggie of pot, some rolling papers, and a pipe. Just as John was getting ready to unleash his patriarchal wrath, he took a closer look. Hmm, that pipe looked mighty familiar. Debby was thinking the same thing. They looked at each other. Oh man, how were they supposed to handle this? "I had had that pipe for over 20 years," John said. "It had been in my sock drawer or something, but I smoke so infrequently that I hadn't even noticed it was missing."

It's a sticky situation that lots of parents -- particularly Baby Boomers who came of age during the free love and drugs hippie culture of the 60s and 70s -- are facing as their kids reach their teenage years and are exposed to all kinds of temptations.

For parents who experimented (or perhaps still experiment) with drugs, it can be a troublesome and puzzling dilemma. Do you use the old, and admittedly hypocritical, "Do as I say, not as I do" approach? Do you divulge all your wild days shenanigans, opting for the "Learn from my mistakes" routine? Do you warn your kids that one puff from a joint will lead to heroin addiction and a ruined life? Or do you tell them to toss out that skunkweed and turn on to the good shit? Unfortunately, none of this is covered in parenting manuals, so it's a judgment call parents must make based on intuition and their own ideals and belief system. Given today's volatile drug culture, it can be a daunting decision.

In the case of John and Debby, they came down pretty hard on their son after discovering his little stash of weed about a year ago. But John says it wasn't so much because they felt pot was an insidious drug -- in fact, John feels marijuana and hallucinogens should be legalized -- but because their young son had lied to them about it. Moreover, John says he's seen how habitual marijuana use has affected some of his friends and family, and he was afraid his son was heading in the same direction.

"At the time, it seemed like he was smoking a lot, and that's what was really disturbing me," John says. "He had this still yet unformed 15-year-old brain, and I didn't want him polluting it with drugs. I've known people who were absolutely brilliant and, to this very day, have a lack of ambition and material success due to the fact that they smoked pot all day everyday for 30 years. You just lose your motivation. That's the last thing I want to see happen with my kids."

John says that given his past, though, he couldn't help but feel a little hypocritical as he was lecturing his son and handing down his punishment. John says he did his fair share of partying in his younger days, especially with hallucinogens, and characterizes his drug use as "pretty heavy" at times.

"There wasn't much going on in Charlotte in the 60s and early 70s, so there wasn't much else to do but take drugs," he says. Once John reached college, his drug use tapered off. Marriage and kids (they also have a teenage daughter) brought about other changes.

"When I had my first child, many aspects of my life became more conservative," he explains. "But by that time giving up the occasional drug use that I indulged in wasn't a problem. I was physically and mentally beyond that point. I'm glad that I had some of those earlier experiences, but the heavy and frequent drug use didn't do anything for my synapses. I'm sometimes muddleheaded, and I wonder if I brought some of that on myself."

Today, John says he might smoke pot a half-dozen times a year if someone passes him a joint at a party. And while he considers himself relatively liberal and open-minded, he stops short of telling his kids all the things he did growing up.

"I really wouldn't want them to get the feeling that it's OK to do some of those things just because Dad did them. While the scare tactics we heard in the 60s and 70s probably backfired when people realized it was bullshit -- you can take LSD without becoming psychotic -- I do know people who died because of their drug use. And sometimes casual drug use can lead to heavier things, so it can be a slippery slope.

"Our son knows we think it (pot) shouldn't be illegal," John continued. "There are lots of things the government does that we don't agree with. But they make the rules, and that's just the way it is. Personally, I don't think the government has a right to legislate morality. So if my son wants to smoke the occasional joint when he's an adult, that's fine."

A Clean Break
Like John and Debby, Bill and Betty have two young teenage kids. And like John, Bill is a baby boomer who experimented with drugs. In his case, it was mostly pot and cocaine.

"I used drugs for about 10 years," he says. "It wasn't really a problem in terms of dependency, but more so in terms of poor judgment and impacting my work day."

Bill says he pretty much gave up drugs in the 80s after he saw some of his friends become chronic abusers. "A few of them lost their jobs, their families, and a few even died. It was just totally screwing up people's lives."

While John and Bill grew up in the same era and, at least for awhile, experimented pretty regularly with drugs, they differ greatly on their current views of drugs and parenting. While John considers himself somewhat of a Libertarian when it comes to the issue of legalization, and believes the occasional indulgence is OK, Bill is staunchly anti-drug.

"I'm kind of like the ex-smoker who can't stand being around cigarettes," Bill says. "My kids know I'm very much against drugs. It's just too much of a gamble. Just because I messed around and was fortunate enough to have come out of it relatively unscathed, the institutions and graveyards are littered with people who weren't as lucky."

Bill says that in recent years he's grown increasingly concerned for his children as a few of their friends have been caught doing drugs; one even ended up in a treatment center.

"I think each person handles drugs differently," Bill says. "Some people can use drugs recreationally for a long time and have no apparent ill effects, and then just walk away from it. But some people, within a period of months, can develop a real dependency and get into serious trouble that can plague them for the rest of their lives. There's just too much risk."

Bill says that when he and his wife broach the issue with their kids, he doesn't talk about his own personal experiences. "They might use that as a rationalization -- "Well, daddy did it, and he's OK.' I think that happens quite often. I usually cite examples of people I know, or knew, and people whose children have already experienced problems. I try to stress to them that it (drug use) might just seem like a fun little diversion, but it can really impact your life dramatically, and for some people it leads to the end of their life. It's not something to take lightly."

Focus On What's Important
Falling somewhere between these two approaches are Bob and Kelly, a boomer couple with two teenage sons. Kelly came of age during the 70s, and says she experimented with lots of different drugs, particularly marijuana.

"When I was in high school it was almost like pot was legal," she said. "It was very easy to get away with. I went to class stoned a lot."

Like most people, once she got married and started having kids, the drug use grew less frequent. Kelly says she and her husband are now completely drug-free. However, they still have to deal with the issue. Their youngest son was recently caught smoking pot.

"He was just mortified, and didn't want to face it," Kelly says. "We basically all sat down and had a big discussion. We said we were disappointed that he lied, and he divulged that he had smoked it one other time. It all might have gone in one ear and out the other, you never know, but I was really pleased with how he handled it. Nobody had to yell, and I think he was being honest with us."

Kelly says they don't have a specific game plan for tackling the issue of drugs with their kids, but they do make sure they establish clear expectations.

"Some parents say they don't want their kids smoking or drinking, but then say things like "Well, boys will be boys,' or "All teenagers experiment,'" she says. "If your kids pick up on that murkiness, it's almost like a green light. So our expectations have been pretty clear."

Asked if she would divulge the truth about her own drug use if her kids questioned her, Kelly said, "Probably, but I would add that I really wish I had skipped it. I think it impacted my life in a negative way at different times. Today I'm very connected spiritually and just have other things in my life. My kids see that, and that's what's really important. I don't think pot is the worst thing in the world at all, but I also feel like it was a different time and place back when I was a kid. Drugs weren't as tainted with blood, so to speak. And there are so many issues dealing with addiction and brain development. So I try to share all that kind of stuff in a non-lecturing way.

"We have a pretty open group of friends, and the majority of them still get high," Kelly continued. "I don't judge them for it, but there are times at parties when I'm thinking, "Grow the fuck up.' There seems to be two different camps. Some people say, "I don't have to divulge what I do to my kids.' They basically find a way to justify their behavior because it's something they still want to do. And a lot of times these are really engaged people who want to do the right thing. Then there's the other camp, instead of dealing with an incongruency or having to lie, they've just given it (drugs) up. It seems like having kids should put everything on the line, but from what I've seen, it often doesn't."

Out of the Ozone
Joe and Nellie both grew up at the height of the Vietnam War and the countercultural reaction against it. They have a 15-year-old daughter. Joe remembers smoking pot during anti-war protests in the late 60s and very early 70s.

"Heck, I remember after the Kent State shootings, my college campus became like a war zone and at one point a lot of us who were protesting were pepper-gassed. It was awful, but I just headed over, as best I could, to a friend's room in a nearby dorm. He put wet cloths on my eyes for the pepper spray, and then we smoked a couple of big joints and went back out into the fray and started protesting again. I mean, that was college in those days. Drugs, especially pot and hashish, were just part of the lifestyle."

Joe became involved with other drugs, too, especially LSD. "In those days the doses were pure, and about 20 times what they are now, at least that's what I've read -- I kept it up for about three years, then it just became repetitive and tiresome so I quit. But at the same time, I was experimenting with other hallucinogens like psylocibin and mescaline; plus, cocaine, methamphetamine, and barbiturates, which I used to get to sleep after tripping; and even heroin for a short time, but that didn't last long.

"Using so much acid certainly opened up my view of the world," Joe chuckles, "but I have to admit I was "in the ozone,' as we said then, for a few years after I quit. I just didn't know what end was up, as far as practical life was concerned; and I'm convinced it (the acid) fried some brain cells. I have your standard middle-age memory loss, but the joke with my friends is that my memory was never that good to begin with. That's not something I want my daughter to go through."

Joe and his wife both gave up drugs by the early 80s. He says he's been pretty forthright with his daughter about drugs.

"It hasn't come up a lot, but we've let her know how we feel; at 15, she's simply too young and still unformed mentally to be experimenting with drugs. I've been honest about my own drug use when she's asked, but I'm careful to use it as a way to explain things about both sides of the recreational drug equation. I just think honesty's the best policy. There's no use denying that pot use is a fairly common way of having fun in a social situation for young people these days, but I want her to know that I've done that and explain to her why she should wait, and then be very careful if she chooses to use it later. I tell her, too, that overdoing it can screw you up, including clouding your judgment and doing jail time if you're caught. Personally, I think most drug use should be legalized and government-controlled, just like with alcohol, but that's not the way it is and you can get in big trouble. But I can't be a "Just Say No' Reaganite, I think the war on drugs is bullshit. Even so, though, I have to be sure my daughter understands the seriousness of what can happen if you're caught with drugs -- and that's in addition to the warnings about the effects that excessive drug use can have on your life, your motivation, and so forth. The ancient Greeks said it best, "Everything in moderation.' But watch out for those narcs."

All the above names are pseudonyms.

Sam Boykin

Contact Sam Boykin at sam.boykin@creativeloafing.com or 704-944-3623. hey dad, don't bogart that joinT Boomers have the distinction of coming of age during an era marked by historic and revolutionary events -- Vietnam, Woodstock, Nixon, the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy -- which, to a great extent, had an indelible influence on their ideals and beliefs. The boomer generation also has the distinction, according to most studies, of having the highest single year increase (1967-1968) of teen marijuana usage.

What kind of influence did those experiences have on their parenting skills, and what kind of impact has it had on their kids? For one, it seems to have greatly altered traditional parent-child relationships. Compared to their own parents, most boomers believe they're pretty clued in to what their kids are experiencing and doing.

"I could have come home tripping my brains out and my mom and dad wouldn't have had a clue," said one Boomer. This unique social dynamic is a good thing; boomer parents can better relate to what their kids are going through, enabling them to create positive dialogue and communication.

However, some studies indicate that the supposedly streetwise "been there, done that" boomer parents can be pretty clueless when it comes to drugs and their kids. A 1999 report by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, in which 1,922 children, 6,975 teenagers and 815 parents completed self-administered, anonymous questionnaires, found that parents underestimated the availability of marijuana, their children's view of its risks, and whether their children's friends were smoking. It also indicated that among children ages 9 to 12, the number who had tried marijuana was up from 334,000 in 1993 to 571,000. Marijuana use among ages 13 to 16 remained stable, but there was a significant increase among 17- and 18-year-olds from 41 percent in 1996 to 48 percent in '99.

Locally, according to a 1998 survey of 4,000 youths by Charlotte's Prevention Services, the steepest upsurge in alcohol and marijuana use occurred between grades 7 and 8. The survey also indicated that approximately 20 percent of youths ages 12-18 reported having used alcohol over the past 30 days, followed by cigarettes (19 percent) and marijuana (14.5 percent).

So while boomers may have rebelled back in their day and think they can relate to what their own kids are going through, some research suggests that many parents don't truly understand how the drug landscape has changed. Namely, marijuana and other drugs are more potent than ever and first-time users are more likely to be in middle or high school than in college. Moreover, some parents, counselors say, mistakenly and naively believe that sharing an occasional joint with their teenager can ease family tensions and make a parent seem more like a buddy in whom their teen can confide.

A 2000 survey of nearly 600 teens in drug treatment in New York, Texas, Florida and California indicated that 20 percent had shared drugs other than alcohol with their parents, and that about 5 percent of the teens actually were introduced to drugs -- usually marijuana -- by Mom or Dad.

"That whole 'buddy' concept is definitely a boomer generation phenomenon," says Joanne Jenkins of Prevention Services. "A lot of these parents see themselves and their kids in a partnership, as though it's some kind of collaboration. That's not what a parent's job is. Someone has to set policy and enact corrective behavior. The most frustrating thing for me is when parents call and say, 'I've found some drugs in my kid's room, what should I do?' I'm like, well, you need to bust them. It's illegal. When I ask them what their household stance is on the use of drugs, a lot of times the answer is, 'Well, we don't have one.' It's that kind of passive Charlotte reaction -- just ignore it, and the problem will go away."

"We've had quite a few patients who said they were introduced to drugs and alcohol by their parents," said Bob Martin, Director of Substance Abuse Services for CMC Mercy. "The drinking age for a lot of the baby boomers growing up was 18, and a lot of my patients talk about beginning to drink at a very early age. The younger the person has their first exposure to drugs and alcohol, the more likely they are to have a problem later on in life.

"Even parents who have successfully closed the door on the drug-taking chapter of their lives still have a hard time talking to their kids honestly about drugs. And that's the biggest problem we see -- lack of communication."

Gail Thrasher, a drug education prevention specialist at the Chemical Dependency Center, also stresses the importance of communication, as well as being honest and setting firm boundaries. Thrasher oversees the Strengthening Families Program, in which they council parents who are in recovery, as well as their children. "What we often see within the program are parents who want their kids to abstain, but they don't really want to share any information about their own drug use. One of the things we teach parents is to be as honest as you need to be. Tell the stories about the things that happened and how you made bad decisions and how it impacted your life. Don't be so lenient. Be firm, say no. It's really important to keep the lines of communication open. Children are going to want to explore and they're going to talk to somebody, so why not talk to an informed parent?"

In the coming years many boomers are going to get a chance to see their own children's parenting skills. Much like the boomer generation, Generation Y (usually considered those born between 1977 and 1997), also came of age during a time of great change and turmoil. Generation Y has experienced a period of unprecedented economic growth and a booming job market, only to see the whole thing come crashing back down.

They saw the worst act of domestic terrorism in American history broadcast up close and ad nauseam by the ubiquitous media machine. It's a generation dominated by the sophisticated, rapid-fire visuals of MTV and Sony Play Stations, and the unparalleled information access of the Internet. It should be interesting to see how these events and experiences impact and influence how they raise their kids. Today, Boomers are trying to figure out what's up with Ecstasy and Raves. In 20 years, parents could very well be having to contend with Junior donning a virtual reality helmet and downloading a Friday night buzz from his favorite website. Sam Boykin