Posers or Prophets? 

With apologies to indie snob favorites ...And You Will Know Us by The Trail of Dead -- a band sufficiently cool enough to have their T-shirts worn un-ironically -- you will know these folks by Their Hair of Bed. Oh, and maybe "cuz of that slightly-too-tight thrift-store T-shirt. Did I mention the wrist cuff and DJ bag?

Most important for an indie snob, of course, is the music. Populist politics might be cool for an indie rock snob, but not populist music, unless it's been stamped with a big ol' Scarlet "I" for irony.

Folks that do sell a lot of records within the whole indie subculture fall into two categories: monuments to a moment in indie history, since toppled like so many Saddam statues (see The Blake Babies, Inspiral Carpets), or else grandfathered into unassailable coolness (Pavement, Sonic Youth).

Of course, there are incremental stages of coolness for a band, and it goes a little something like this (hit it!):

1. The First Wave: The indie snob reads of a band in whatever webzine has been anointed as the new arbiter of indie taste (Pitchforkmedia.com, of course, has long since "sold out"), or else reads the latest Melody Maker or NME. Interestingly, the Brit mags rave almost exclusively about American music, and have helped "break" lots of American bands in the States (see The Strokes). Yes, it's a confusing situation, but they've been doing it ever since the days of Son House and Charlie Christian. Luckily, they also gave us the Beatles. (Any indie snob worth their salt still swears by Revolver, even though Abbey Road, Rubber Soul, and the White Album are all superior discs).

2. The Second Wave: The Brit Press is read by the second-tier (some might argue third-rate) American rock press, who then go crazy placing the above artists on insipid lists like "10 To Watch in 2003" or "Artists on the Verge." What are they on the verge of? Who cares? It makes said magazines still feel relevant, and catches the few indie snobs that fell through the initial net of coverage. Plus, people only remember the ones they got right. Remember: before there was Fab Moretti (The Strokes), there was Fab Morvan (Milli Vanilli).

3. The Third Wave: Music Freaking Television. At this point, it's over for an indie snob, unless you're someone like the White Stripes, and even then, your video better be constructed out of Legos or some other suitable Anti-Establishment Constructs. Can't have people thinking that, you know, you like making videos. You're a musician, dammit!

And then there's the Internet. Thanks to sites like Friendster.com (now hopelessly uncool), you can now network yourself to Indie Nation, and show what a hip bastard you've managed to shop yourself into. These places, while ostensibly dating websites -- although most everyone on there says they're "not looking" (desperation is also uncool) -- are also the breeding ground for grassroots indie rock movements (also known as "Who's Cool This Week?" File bands like The Darkness and The Rapture here, as well as most of the other "The" bands -- excepting, of course, Matt Johnson's most excellent The The).

What kind of person hangs out here? Let's stereotype, shall we? Odds are, you like Ayn Rand or Tom Robbins. You're a writer, more often than not, although you disdain something like actually publishing as selling out. You like hardcore and Triple X, whether you mean the musical and lifestyle choices or the obvious sexual connotations. You may well have a weird fetish with guns and gun art, even though you'd piss your pants if you ever had to shoot one. You hate Ryan Adams and Conor Oberst, but you look just like them. You claim to hate drama, yet you thrive on it, because no one really paid attention to you in elementary/ middle/high school. You're now a cool kid, at least to a small minority of society. And who cares if someone outside that high school-like clique has a problem with you? Those sheep are too busy lapping up Rob Thomas records to matter. (What is cool is to have the same car you had in high school, preferably a Volvo or old Volkswagen Jetta.)

A friend once told me that she had come to a life-changing conclusion: all those Gastr Del Sol records she loved so much (and loved to talk about so so much)? Mostly semi-unlistenable garbage, unless you're really really high.

Which is ultimately my point. Listen to indie rock, of course. You won't find a more consistently brilliant genre anywhere. However, do really listen to it, and don't worry that not buying the latest Notwist record makes you a square, or whatever it is they call kids who don't have Notwist records.

I realize I sound about as "fair and balanced" as the FOX News Channel here. And the indie snob does provide an important service. He doesn't buy what the major labels and television commercials and spam ads tell him he should buy. He values originality, if a little too fastidiously. He communicates his love of music with others, thereby spreading what is ostensibly good art around like so much manure. Some of it is indeed manure, of course, and stinks as such. Like compost, however, good art helps nurture more good art, and that's something this world needs in a hurry.

That said, I suppose I'll hop in my old-school Volvo (120K miles) and check out some used record stores. To paraphrase the late, great Archers of Loaf, the underground may indeed be overcrowded, but it beats life up above any day.