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Squirt Perv Won't Do Time
TUESDAY, 5/24
A company ostensibly upgrading a 70s-era sewage station busted a pipe and spilled 500,000 gallons of sewage into a tributary of the Catawba River and Lake Wylie. The County, always on top of things, advised nearby residents not to swim in the affected area. Gee, ya think?
WEDNESDAY, 5/25
John Hall, Cornelius' infamous Squirting Dentist, pleaded guilty to seven counts of assault on a female for spewing his own semen via a syringe into women patients' mouths. He received a sentence of five years probation including three months of house arrest and 120 hours of community service. No word yet on how Doc treated his gay male customers.
THURSDAY, 5/26
Fans of music other than the white-bread variety awoke to the stunning news that a person named Carrie Underwood had won on American Idol. Most of them reacted with a puzzled look and the question, "You mean that stupid show is still on?"
FRIDAY, 5/27
Because of way-early deadlines due to the Memorial Day weekend, the rest of this column is a collection of predictions about the near future (or as you're reading this, the recent past). It's a risky business, but somebody's gotta do it.
On Friday, for instance, County Commissioner Wilhelmenia Rembert, who took some flak for telling Commissioner Bill James he should seek counseling for his homosexuality fixation, clarified her position on the issue. "What I meant to say," said Rembert, "is that, in the wise words of the street, 'he that smelt it dealt it.' I mean, you can't tell me that a man who talks about gays 24/7 hasn't got a little sugar in his britches."
SATURDAY, 5/28
South Carolina legislators, renowned for their grasp of political subtlety, expressed displeasure at new US Sen. Lindsey Graham's role in negotiating the Senate's filibuster agreement. After officially branding him a "scalawag," they declared that the entire state is seceding from Lindsey Graham. The governor pointed out that the bill they had passed made no logical sense, so they tied him up and lynched him in front of the state house.
SUNDAY, 5/29
A miracle occurred at the Coca-Cola 600 at Lowe's Motor Speedway and was reported by the press around the world, garnering the attention of the Pope. Ten laps from the end of the race, lightning struck the car of leader Jimmie Johnson. Smoke billowed from Johnson's car and a second later, Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s famed black No. 3 Chevy roared out of the fog, ran away with the race, then faded and disappeared after crossing the finish line. A few seconds later, the voice of The Terminator was heard by many at the speedway, saying, "If Jimmie wants to bump, he needs to take lessons from the Man."
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