Why fret about another's sex life? 

"Well, a small town don't like it when somebody falls between sexes." -- "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other" by Ned Sublette, sung by Willie Nelson.

It's funny, the tiny straws that finally break your camel's back. For me, it happened recently during a visit to my favorite CD store. I was flipping through the used rock discs, Section S, when two guys across from me started talking about a third guy whom, it was obvious, they had quit having anything to do with. "I didn't know he was gay," said the guy with a skimpy goatee, to which the other dude, whose hair looked as if it had just come out of a blender, replied, "Don't look at me, I didn't know it either. I ain't hangin' with him no more, that's for damned sure." "You're damn right about that," replied Goatee Boy, who went on to re-tell the story of how he had "caught" the now-exiled guy kissing "some guy I'd never seen before" in the kisser's own backyard.

Their comments weren't much, really, just standard-issue homophobic nonsense, the kind of thing most of us were raised around. I bought a CD and went home. Later, though, those two guys' conversation came back to me and wouldn't leave. This time, even though I've heard the same kind of crap a thousand times over the years, something inside me decided enough was enough.

I surprised myself by suddenly belting out, "You idiots! Who f-ing cares if somebody is gay, straight, bi or whatever?!" My wife wasn't home, and our basset hound, lying in her corner, merely stared for about a minute. Otherwise, my outburst went unnoticed, which I guess is good.

As the day went on, however, the CD store pair kept nagging at me. It wasn't just the Neanderthal gay-bashing that bothered me, it was more the way those two guys assumed their acquaintance's sexual/emotional preference was their business. Unfortunately, being busybodies and butting into everyone else's business is a trait our culture thrives on, from Sandra Bullock's marriage to Obama's cigarette habit to simple everyday meddling. Deliberately minding your own business is a dying art, which is disturbing, since a civil, free society generally requires an attitude of "to each his/her own."

I've found that people who won't mind their own business either lead boring lives and have to live vicariously through others, or have a narrow, constipated view of life and are afraid someone is going to get "out of line" with their limited take on the world. As the homophobe twins attest, homosexuality is a prime focus of busybodies. It's been that way for a long time, but I admit it mystifies me why others' sex lives should hold such interest.

I know anti-gay bias is a social blight, and much research shows that sexual preference is genetically determined. But my point is this: Even if justice or freedom or genetics weren't issues -- even if it wasn't a genetic thing, and gays deliberately chose their sexual preference -- it is none of my business. Nor is it yours, nor anyone else's.

It's a dark irony that conservatives who vilify gays the most also portray themselves as defenders of freedom. Again, my suggestion to them is simple: Mind your own business. It'll do you and others a world of good.

Many guys go through an adolescent phase of defining their sexuality by acting macho and mocking feelings they're afraid of finding in themselves. As the Willie Nelson song also says, "Well, a cowboy may brag about things that he does with his women / But the ones who brag loudest are the ones that are most likely queer".

The question is why, for some people, homophobia lasts past the teen years, and eventually evolves into a rancid hatred. I'm thinking of local politicians who have peppered their careers with anti-gay rhetoric.

There was former County Commissioner Hoyle Martin who often got so seething mad during the cultural battles a decade ago over a production of Angels In America, he would appear to be on the verge of a seizure.

And there is School Board member Kaye McGarry and former member Ken Gjertsen, who fought vehemently against a new anti-bullying school policy, claiming that it was part of "an aggressive homosexual agenda."

And there was Commissioner Dan Bishop who, while discussing a mild proposal to add "sexual orientation" to the county's non-discrimination policy, said the plan was "a serious dagger at the heart of marriage," and apparently really believed it.

And, of course, there's the Supreme Generalissimo of local homophobes, Commissioner Bill James, whose website once featured a wealth of information about the details of gay sexual practices. This is the man who, during the non-discrimination debate, came up with the adage, "A man's rear end is not for another man's private parts."

To which I say that a man (or woman's) rear end and/or private parts, and what he or she does with them, are absolutely, positively none of my, your, Bill James', Kaye McGarry's, or anybody's damned business. Surely -- surely -- we have enough real problems to hold our attention without peeking into others' beds.

A different version of this column was published in 2007.