Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dance floors are for dancing, not poking

Posted By on Thu, Jan 6, 2011 at 10:12 AM

Why do folks say “cut a rug”? Most dance floors are hardwood. Shouldn’t they say, "cut a wood"? Just saying. And speaking of wood and dance floors … dance floors are for dancing, not poking. Holla if you hear me ladies.

As a former choreographer, NFL cheerleader and dance teacher, I would be remiss not to share a few dance tips with the fellas so that they don't confuse dancing with sexual harassment.

Rules of the dance floor, so you can be the ruler of the dance floor ...

1. You should get down on the dance floor, not up. I get that dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal wish, but no boners should be permitted on the dance floor! When you are grinding behind us to “Baby Got Back” we can feel it, on our back. The only time it’s appropriate to poke girls you want to flirt with is on Facebook.

2. Please refrain from humping our legs. We are not dogs. You don’t sniff our ass to see if we’re in heat.

That is one major difference in men and dogs — men don’t want their mates to be “in heat.”

3. Like Will Smith said in the movie Hitch, “This is where you live.” Alcohol does not give you rhythm — but you don’t need to be able to dance. Chances are if you just stand there, some woman will come up to you and start grinding on you like you’re a stripper pole.

So, what have we learned?


Now I get why they made you dance ruler length at middle school dances. Otherwise, it'd be a bunch of 15-year-old boys walking around with boners with 13-year-old girls not knowing what they are. I actually learned about the birds and the bees at my first middle school dance when this 7th grader gave me my first kiss while we were slow dancing to Boyz II Men. He went to slip me some tongue with his mouth wide opened and BURPED in my mouth! He effin' burped in my mouth; I almost choked on the bubble. I can still taste the Spaghetti-Os he had for dinner.

Consider that another dance floor rule. Actually that is more of a commandment: Thou shall not burp in a girl’s mouth.

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