Thursday, October 2, 2014

We shall not sympathize with wandering eyes

Posted By on Thu, Oct 2, 2014 at 12:56 PM

Pay attention to the red flags, ladies and gentleman — I cannot stress that enough! Let's dive right on into this week's dating story, shall we?

Jordan met Elroy (jeezus take the wheel, I wonder if his parents were fans of The Jetsons?!) at the grocery store one day and made plans to meet up at Harper's for dinner the following evening.

Jordan says she never lets the guy pick her up on the first date, and I don't I blame her. Mofos are crazy as hell these days. You can't have a mofo knowing where you live so they can come slash your sheets and bust your tires when they think you seeing someone else. Chile, please. NOBODY has time for any of that drama.

Anyway, she says they met up at Harper’s, and the server seats them in the middle of the restaurant, surrounding by several tables full of women. This ain't bout to end well. I feel it in my soul.

Jordan and El (I refuse to type that man's full name again, I just can't do it without falling out into fits of laughter wondering where Judy and George Jetson are hiding) order drinks and appetizers. Jordan notices immediately that El's eyeballs are all over the place, and he doesn't have a lazy eye or any other eye condition that would cause his eyes to be acting all willy nilly. The mofo is just being rude. Jordan was sitting with her back to the table of ladies while good ole El was facing them. Perfect arrangement for him, I bet. Jordan tries to grab his attention by asking him about one of his hobbies, but he isn't paying her the least bit of mind. He's too busy trying to see what he can see behind her. Jordan then decides she isn't about to put up with this all night, and she shouldn't have to. Once the server returns to take their order, she says she made sure to order exactly what she wanted because this was going to be their first, last and ONLY date ever.

Jordan then excuses herself from the table to go to the ladies room because El wasn't in a talkative mood. She says she decided to give him time to talk to the other ladies. GIRL, WHAT?

As soon as she gets up and gets around the corner, she looks back to see that El has jumped up and made his way to the table full of ladies. Well, ain't this mofo bold? Jordan grabs the server and tells her that she is going to be leaving because El is so disrespectful. The female server totally gets it and agrees that dude is a complete clown and moron; she, too, noticed El's wandering eye. Jordan then asks the server to cancel her order, but the server instead grabs the manager and explains the situation to him.

In a shocking but nice twist, the manager offers to give Jordan her meal free of charge, to go. (GIRL, is HE single?!) Jordan grabs her meal, tips the server and holds her head high as she sails on out the door to her car.

El, however, probably never even noticed she was gone until his food came and he had no date but had a bill for two meals. I hope he learned his lesson. Give your date your undivided attention. One thing that Jordan emphasized was that she never gave El her real phone number. She gave him a Google Voice number, so that way he couldn’t really reach her to curse her out like I know he probably wanted to. Hey, maybe one of the ladies he was eyeballing can keep him company.

Want to share your own dating story? Good, Bad, Ugly—Go ahead, shoot an email to backtalk@creativeloafing.com. We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

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