Thursday, January 8, 2015

Mixed messages

Posted By on Thu, Jan 8, 2015 at 3:20 PM

Happy New Year! I hope 2015 turns out to be the one where people finally learn the art of dating. But of course, this post has nothing to do with that.

Jake and Pam met in college and started a relationship. After they graduated, they decided to continue dating, although Jake ended up living in Charlotte and Pam in Virginia. Jake says Pam had a "no sex before marriage" policy — *high five for you, Pam!* — and that he really liked her, so he was OK with waiting.

In the meantime, Jake began a friendship with his co-worker Erin. During downtime at the office, he and Erin would frequently give each other dating advice and joke around that if they were both single, they could just date each other. Insert Michael Jackson’s song "Dangerous" here. But Jake claims that while he was attracted to her, he felt Erin was out of his league, so he was cool with being in the dreaded friend zone.

One weekend, Erin invited Jake to come along with her and her parents on a day trip to the mountains. You already know this isn't going to end well. Who goes on a trip with another woman's family?

Near the end of the getaway, Erin kissed Jake when her parents weren’t around, and informed Jake, as she went in for the titty squeeze hug, that she had a crush on him.

Allow me to interrupt this story to offer an explainer about the different types of hugs.

1. The Church Hug: Characterized by ample space between two people. It’s almost like a friendly hug that the church usher would give you on your way out the sanctuary.

2. The Pat Hug: This is often reserved for folks you don’t really want to touch, so you turn sideways and give them a pat on the back

3. The Titty Squeeze: Characterized by all body parts being mashed together, so you can tell if someone is excited to see you.

Got it? Good, let’s continue.

That following Monday when Erin and Jake returned to work, they decided to discuss the possibilities of pursuing a relationship and dumping their main squeezes. They went to lunch together to figure out how to proceed, since Erin lived with her significant other. Lunch turned into a hunch lunch, because they ended up at Jake’s apartment. One thing led to another and well, they got to know each other better, with a nekkid titty squeeze hug.

Lawd, where is Pam? Y’all check on her?

Tuesday comes along and Jake gets a phone call, thinking it’s Erin. He doesn't recognize the number but sees it's a 704 area code. He can’t take the call but returns it when he finishes up whatever he is working on. He says he left Erin — and I'm quoting here — “a long steamy Billy Dee Williams-ish” voicemail about how he enjoyed sampling her Colt 45 (OK, sorry, I had to add that) and how he looked forward to doing all the nasty things he can think of to her in the future.

Jake says after leaving the message, he realized he hadn’t talked to Pam in a while and for that matter, even thought about the poor chile. With a shrug and a hard-on, he kept it moving. About a week later, Jake got a message from Pam telling him to meet her at her parents’ house in Charlotte. Uh oh.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next, but I’ll tell you anyway. Jake showed up at Pam’s parents’ house to find them waiting for him on the porch. As soon as he got out of the car, Pam initiated a verbal assault that would have sailors blushing. She told Jake she knew all about his escapades because the voicemail he thought he left on Erin’s phone, he'd actually left on hers. The best part is that when she checked her messages, it was on speakerphone, so her sister and mother, who was visiting at the time, heard it as well.

Oh. Shit. Yep, you guessed it, the rest of the family jumped in and let him have it. Ole Jake didn’t stand a chance.

Where did Jake mess up? Aside from the obvious, he says the initial call he was responding to did not come from a 704 number — it came from a 703, which is Pam’s area code. This fool didn’t even pay attention to the voice on the voicemail before leaving the damn message. As for Jake and Erin, they ended up eventually getting married years later, so I guess in this case side chicks win again. DAMN THEM.

This week’s lesson: If you are going to weave a web of deceit, pay attention to all details. Double check the recipient of every voicemail, email, text, smoke signal, pigeon-delivered mail, all of it. More importantly, if you feel like you have to cheat, think of your significant other first and break things off before pursuing new kitty cat or peen. It will hurt them, but in the long run, you will have saved them the heartache of being cheated on and probably save yourself from getting your head knocked clean off.

Have you had a good or bad dating experience that you want to share? Go ahead, shoot an email to We'll keep your identity a secret — just let us know what dating in the Queen City is really like!

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