June 16, 2009 News & Views » The Blotter

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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

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Storytelling: A 32-year-old woman called police after a very exciting fight with her boyfriend. The victim admitted to officers that at around midnight, she walked into her boyfriend's room and pulled off his covers. The man then kicked her off the bed. The woman decided she should throw a glass of water on the man, who then chased her into the hallway. That's when it gets ugly – the girl was eventually slapped. Is it too late to bid for the movie rights to this story?

Mad Props: A man was arrested and charged after being found with the following items in his pocket: a sock, three needles, two pushrods for needles, a pink baggie with residue, a spoon and a rubber band. This guy is either a major heroin addict, or MacGyver's right-hand man.

Child's Play: A 10-year-old girl filed a police report after being assaulted by her sister. She told police that her 16-year-old sister kicked down her door, grabbed her by the hair and slammed her head into a wall. The suspect/sibling then told her she would kill her. The victim later complained of a headache. This happens in my family all the time, but the issue usually ends at the headache complaint.

Back Stabber: A 32-year-old man was brought to the hospital after being stabbed during an altercation. He told police that after arguing with the suspect, he was stabbed in his right butt cheek. I guess if this suspect likes stabbing people in the ass, he's well on his way to being on the receiving end.

Bloody Mary: A man was caught by police sitting alone in a cemetery while he did hardcore drugs. The man was found to be holding two hypodermic needles. I can only imagine what heroin feels like, but I would have to guess that sitting in a cemetery alone in the middle of the night while you do it can't be fun.

Munchies: An employee of Naturally Fresh Foods Inc. reported that the company's garage was broken into with lock cutters and the following items were taken from its trucks: one case of cheesecake, one case of crab, two cases of chili sauce and a case of blackberry mix. Police then searched the city for the most random culinary event ever.

"F" Minus: Teachers at a local middle school called police after a student assaulted a teacher. The student walked up to the teacher and hit her with a rabbit punch in the ribs, then walked away. I think it's a good idea to discontinue the teaching of judo in junior high classrooms.

Pickup Lines: A man was arrested downtown for having a crack pipe in his pocket. The man was initially picked up for offering to have sex with an off duty police officer. How else do crackheads pass the time if not offering some good lovin' to the nearest woman in sight?

Cuttin' Up: A 57-year-old man called police after waking up and realizing that someone had done something he was too lazy to do. He told officers that someone entered his property early in the morning and cut the bushes that were in front of his windows. They are called landscapers. Communicate with your spouse, and I'm sure you will find out you pay these guys a monthly fee.

Teflon Don: A 30-year-old woman complained to police after being threatened over the phone. The suspect called her several times and stated, "We want you out of Charlotte. We will file fake charges on you. We have the Charlotte Meck Police in our pocket." Pat McCrory just can't stay out of the spotlight, can he? He will continue to bully the city of Charlotte until his predecessor puts a mob hit on him!

Tough Guys: A 27-year-old woman filed a police report after receiving way too many text messages from a known suspect. She told officers the guy sent more than 50 text messages in the course of a month. The one message the victim could remember said, "I'm going to kick your butt." I've been more scared from calls I get from bill collectors.

The Green Party: An anonymous caller called 911 after witnessing a car wreck. She told police that she saw a car speeding before it slammed into a tree. The car then continued driving as if nothing had happened. Some people are tree huggers, some people wrap cars around trees – these people are somewhere in between.

Stay Fly: An employee of a local beauty supply store called police after a man stole from them. The man walked into the store and showed interest in the hair clippers, the cheapest pair in the store. As soon as the employees let him hold the clippers he ran out of the store with them. This same thing happened, like, three weeks ago, as reported in The Blotter. Because we all know them Queen City boys just want to look good.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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