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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (Oct. 27) 

Smashed by pumpkins

Boo A 62-year-old man filed a police report after being assaulted with a Halloween decoration last week. The man said he was standing outside of his Myers Park home when he got into an argument with a neighbor. According to the report, "the argument turned into a physical altercation when the victim stated that the suspect threw a large pumpkin that struck him on the left side of his torso." The suspect then drove off in their car. The man suffered minor injuries, including a bruised ego, but did not need medical attention.

Don't Start Shit There are worse things to be hit with during an argument than a pumpkin, as one woman learned in east Charlotte last week. The woman told officers that she was arguing with someone when the person suddenly threw a cat's litter box at her, striking her in the leg. The woman was not injured, although one could argue that, if the litterbox was full, that's a grievous injury in itself.

Ummm What A 15-year-old boy apparently fell victim to some sort of fraud last week in east Charlotte. The kid apparently was ripped off for a pair of shoes, probably by someone on the internet, but the police report left more questions than answers. For those who are into translations, try your hand at this language, which is the CMPD's way of saying that a kid got catfished: "The victim stated that the listed suspect made a representation about a past or existing fact or a future event that is false and was calculated and intended to deceive, and the representation does in fact deceived (sic) the victim, and the suspect obtained the listed property." Sounds like when you've got a five-page paper due and two pages of ideas.

These Don't Work A thief in the NoDa neighborhood was looking for a pharmaceutical rush last week, but was surely disappointed after checking his stash after the fact. A 23-year-old woman told officers that someone broke into her car and stole 20 pills in her prescription Adderall bottle. The thief wouldn't be getting much done by popping them, however, as the victim added that she had run out of her prescription and had filled the bottle with Advil in case of a headache.

Jackpot An east Charlotte man who filed a police report after his home was broken into last week was clearly a foodie, as he felt it necessary to give the proper description of each food product the thief had walked out with. The 72-year-old man told officers that someone broke into his home in the Tanglewood neighborhood and stole 12 eggs, a spiral ham, four pounds of Bulgarian cheese, some domestic cheese, filo dough, 10 pounds of shrimp, candy bars and a batch of baker's chocolate. It's probable the man offered such descriptions in hopes police would find the food, but it's all the more probable that food was eaten within the hour.

Shopping Spree A suspect was apparently playing their own game of Supermarket Sweeps at a Walmart in northwest Charlotte last week, although there were no cameras and employees weren't playing along. Management called police to report a shoplifter who had grabbed a seemingly random cache of items and made a dash for the door before being stopped by security officers. The suspect was caught with Budweiser beer (a staple in the average Walmart shoplifter's booty), paper towels, laundry detergent and a bag of dog food. The report was later updated after officers found that the man was also attempting to conceal a Citronella candle. We don't want to know where.

Teary Eyed A student took things to the next level last week during a fight with another girl in the hallway at Mallard Creek High School. According to the police report, a female student assaulted a 17-year-old girl while the two were in a hallway walking to class. Following the fight, police seized a bottle of pepper spray from one of the students, but it's unclear whether she ever got a chance to use it. I'm sure the students standing nearby could tell you.

I Deserve It While it's already rude to not tip those in charge of serving you food, one young customer at Five Guys at SouthPark Mall last week decided he would take it a step further. Apparently thinking that the service was so bad that he was owed a tip instead of obligated to give one, the kid simply reached in the tip cup and grabbed $25. Employees stopped the kid and called police, and the suspect was referred to a program for juvenile suspects.

Threat of the Week A New York man recently showed his hand a little early during an argument with a woman living in Charlotte. The woman filed a report stating that the man called her and said, "I'm going to come burn your house down with you in it and nobody will know it was me because I live in New York." Safe to say, now that this threat is officially on the record, that's not such a great idea.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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