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CL's Alternate Oscar Awards 

An irreverent look back at 2001

Pesky Entertainment Tonight reporters? Awkward acceptance speeches? Bad wisecracks from host Whoopi Goldberg? Appearances by Charlize Theron and Ben Stiller?

Well, OK, we like that last one. Still, why sit through four hours of an Oscar telecast when you can zip through CL's own movie picks in the time it will take some addled celebrity to stumble through the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film? Here, then, is our look back at some of the highs, lows and what-have-you's of the 2001 movie year.

Worst Auteur: Tom Green. The MTV spaz wrote, directed and starred in Freddy Got Fingered, the year's most critically drubbed feature and a film that's certain to live in infamy.

Best Scene Stealer: Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Runners-up: Paul Bettany as Geoffrey Chaucer in A Knight's Tale; Michael Douglas as a pompadoured sleazebag in One Night at McCool's; William Fichtner as a fey detective in What's the Worst That Could Happen?

Most Miscast: Kevin Spacey as a twinkly alien in K-Pax. Spacey's generally a great actor, but watching this firebrand talent go the Robin Williams route by playing an interstellar Patch Adams was enough to make even the most hardened of moviegoers hurl their popcorn -- in both senses of the expression. Runners-up: Freddie Prinze Jr. as an FBI agent in Head Over Heels; Mike Tyson, playing himself as a sympathetic human being in Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles; Mariah Carey as a pop singer with talent in Glitter.

Most Unexpected Trend: Characters named Hedwig. Let's face it: The name isn't exactly as common as Tom, Dick or Harry Potter. Yet two films listed Hedwigs among their characters: the title transsexual in Hedwig and the Angry Inch and the majestic white owl in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Runners-up: the presence of man-eating hogs in both Hannibal and Snatch; demonic bunnies of the hallucinatory variety in both Sexy Beast and Donnie Darko; shapely bunnies of the Playboy variety in both Bridget Jones's Diary (heroine Renee Zellweger mistakenly attends a formal party dressed as one) and Legally Blonde (heroine Reese Witherspoon mistakenly attends a formal party dressed as one).

Most Expected Trend: Misbehaving mutts. Every year, it seems we get at least one movie in which a dog either dry-humps a human or relieves itself where it shouldn't. In 2001, we got to witness a Great Dane straddle heroine Monica Potter in Head Over Heels, a Doberman pinscher latch itself onto Billy Crystal's crotch (twice) in America's Sweethearts, and another pooch urinate on mobster Joe Viterelli's leg in See Spot Run.

Best Ad Line: "He Saw The World In A Way No One Could Have Imagined." -- A Beautiful Mind. An ordinary tagline that takes on extra meaning after you've seen the film. Runners-up: "Accentuate The Negative." -- Ghost World; "His Love Is Real. But He Is Not." -- A.I. Artificial Intelligence; "Trust. Seduction. Betrayal. . .Everything Comes Full Circle." -- O; "3% Body Fat. 1% Brain Activity." -- Zoolander.

Worst Ad Line: "Get Dumped. Get Pumped. Get Even!" -- Get Over It. The poster for this Kirsten Dunst dud earns extra discredit for picturing a dog humping the letter "G" in the title. Runners-up: "The Movie That Dares You To Come." -- Scary Movie 2; "Crime Is Not Only Done By Criminals." -- Novocaine; "Life Is An Adventure. Don't Blow It." -- Bubble Boy; "Welcome To The Human Race." -- Driven.

Best Example Of Soulless Hollywood Moviemaking: 15 Minutes. A nihilistic bloodbath that tries to pass itself off as an expose on the cult of celebrity in America, this Robert DeNiro turkey was far more offensive than Freddy Got Fingered (which was merely moronic) or the year's glut of inane gross-out comedies. Runners-up: Pearl Harbor; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Osmosis Jones; and three sorry sequels -- Jurassic Park III, Rush Hour 2 and The Mummy Returns.

Best Historical Figure: Jon Voight, for portraying Howard Cosell in Ali, Franklin Roosevelt in Pearl Harbor, and daughter Angelina Jolie's dad in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

Best Soundtrack: Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It was a good year for movie soundtracks, both of the song selection variety (Moulin Rouge) and the instrumental sort (A Beautiful Mind, Amelie). But the best of the bunch -- as well as the undiscovered gem of the year -- was John Cameron Mitchell and Stephen Trask's score for their hip musical-comedy, with songs that originally appeared in the Off-Broadway production. By no means were these campy numbers a la Rocky Horror Picture Show; instead, with its mix of hard-rocking tunes and power ballads, this score would arguably satisfy fans of 70s rock anthems more than show tune aficionados.

Most Surreal Moment: The Big Trouble screening. On the morning of September 11, after hearing bits and pieces about planes crashing into the World Trade Center, I (and other equally shell-shocked critics) attended an advance screening for Big Trouble, a spectacularly unfunny Tim Allen comedy that climaxed with. . .a hijacked plane in peril.

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