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Husban Harem 

A nightmare in the making

News that HBO is coming out with a series called Big Love, featuring a polygamous family, has me wondering: has there ever been a set-up with multiple husbands instead of wives, and what woman on earth would choose it? If there's a wife out there who'd voluntarily have more than one husband I'd like to hear from her, since she must be one crazy sister.

All right, assuming we're talking, say, seven husbands, maybe the randy ladies among us are thinking, hmmm, a different man to have sex with every night. But keep in mind I didn't just say seven men, I said seven husbands. We're not talking a collection of delectable males strewn about a harem in tight pants and bare chests for you to select your evening's pleasure from.

We're not referring to a supine pretty boy reaching up from a brocaded pillow to hand you the hookah tube, like in Delacroix's "Women of Algiers," where a few luscious harem lasses lounge around hitting the hash while awaiting the whims of their master.

We're talking husbands, who for starters would look like husbands. Judging by the jiggly married men lumbering by at both the beach and Carowinds, I'd say a lot of American husbands already have a tendency to take up the space of two spouses where there should only be one.

Instead of divans draped with hunky specimens, your harem would be lined with La-Z-Boys cradling lard-asses in sweatpants, each recliner with a wide-screen TV set up in front of it. Just think how much refrigerator room seven husbands would require for their beer, not to mention shelf space to hold multiple kinds of OJ containing none, some, and lots of pulp.

What it really comes down to is this: multiple wives equal more workers, while multiple husbands equal more work. The true translation of the word "husband" is "dirty underwear." I sometimes suspect mine of dumping new packages of the stuff after a hasty wipe across his behind into the hamper in the middle of the night, just to keep the level of laundry up to its mandatory towering levels.

Although there might be some advantage to having variety in the sex department, even if it was among a bunch of beer-guts, additional hubbies would ultimately result in extra labor there, too. More members to blow, need I say more? Just picture your throbbing jaw! More guys pestering you for action. Let's be frank, in the typical set-up the man tends to want marital relations more often than the woman. The guy's the motor for the average couple's sex life, which is why lesbian duos sometimes find themselves drifting toward the numbing shores of celibacy. Nobody's whining loudly enough.

Besides the constant calls for rolls in the hay, your fellas' reactions when you chose the evening's bedmate would be a drawback. Do you think the ones you passed over would just shrug and say, "Oh, well, I have a headache anyway"? All-out brawls among the La-Z-Boys seem much more likely.

In case I haven't convinced you yet that you really don't want your own husband harem, let me spell out other potential disadvantages:

More griping about bosses to listen to.

More career goals to have to pretend to be mesmerized by.

More heirs to get stuck at home alone with. At least multiple wives could help each other out with childcare, but the guys would probably gang together and go off to play golf.

More of those little back hairs they shed to wipe up.

More political spewing during an election year. Males are born with confidence in their opinions and the conviction that others hunger to hear them.

More globs of spit sticking to the sink.

Multiple mouths forming those dastardly words, "What's for dinner tonight?" before you've even had your morning Atavan.

More socks to match and fold, like some crazy-making Chinese torture.

More than one mother-in-law who loves her baby boy, yes she does. SHRIEK!

Now there's one big advantage that might have occurred to you, and that's much more bacon being brought home. "Seven salaries" definitely has an appealing ring to it, but I think the income increase would be used up by hiring the help you'd need to deal with the extra laundry, cooking and housework, instead of fueling your next shopping spree at Nordstrom's.

Other possible pluses are...I'm scratching my head here, really having to think. I guess maybe your lawn would stay cut and your car waxed. You'd always have somebody to take you places, although just imagine trying to drag seven drunk husbands away from a party, wrestling the whole bunch for their collective car keys, and then driving their drooling behinds home.

"Big Love"? How about "Big Load." Male religious leaders like Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith always seem to work it out so they have maximum access to married ass, but I bet if a woman started her own religion she'd ban husbands altogether. Harem boys, anyone?

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