Lust List 

Forget the schmaltz in those Hallmark Valentine's cards at Eckerd and CVS. Love is overrated. So in this issue we bring you Creative Loafing's first Lust List, a celebration of love's hot 'n' steamy cousin. We asked you, our readers, to nominate Charlotte's sexiest citizens, and then we found ourselves with the difficult task of narrowing the field to just 10 (actually, 12 -- we gave you two bonuses) hotties. Apologies to those whose nominees don't appear in the following pages. It doesn't mean he or she wasn't worthy. It could mean simply that your nominee lives in Boone. Or maybe your nominee was a pet. Drum roll, please ...

Name: Amanda

Job: Leasing Agent at Magnolia Apartments

Amanda used to be a sexy school teacher ... for models. She taught posing and glamour to Heidi Klum wannabes at Barbizon Modeling. This hot leasing agent aspires to pop stardom.

Have you ever tried out for American Idol?

I would love to do American Idol, but I'm still under contract with my producers until March. I've been signed with them since I was 19. Until I'm not under contract, I can't.

Where can we find you on a Saturday night?

In the studio. I have a lot of friends that have recording studios in their homes. That's my ultimate. I will pick being in the recording studio over anything.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

It's really bad when you have the little 14-year-olds who come up to you and ask if you have a boyfriend. I was an instructor for Barbizon. In modeling school you get cocky boys who think they can get with any girl.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

I work part time at Victoria's Secret, so if you walk in there you can pretty much see what type of underwear I'm wearing. I'm obsessed with lingerie.

Tell us a joke.

What is 6 inches long, has a head on it, and drives women crazy?

What?

Money.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

That would be awesome. If I got the opportunity to go, I would. But I'm broke.

How much are your most expensive jeans?

I'm obsessed with Victoria's Secret's catalog and most of those only cost $29.95.

What's your pet peeve?

People who ride their brakes.

Do you know where the expression pet peeve came from?

Little petty things that peeve you off.

Do you wish you had your own Web site?

I used to. But it's being taken down when my modeling contract ends.

If you could ask Viggo Mortenson one question what would it be?

Does Frodo really have the ring or does Bush have it? I've seen that a lot on bumper stickers.

What's your favorite term for making whoopy:

My friends and I call it "hooked up." We say, "Did you hook-up or did you HOOK-up?"

Please outline a clear exit strategy for the American troops in Iraq.

How clear can you get? When the shit goes down, run.

Name: Jumanee

Job: Co-owner of Club Tempo

Don't let Jumanee's professional demeanor fool you -- he admits to being a puppy dog at heart (though he's built like a Siberian husky). Owner of his own design and construction firm, this architect's sexiest organ is inside his head.

Why do people lust after you?

Because they have no clue who I really am.

What do you lust after?

First of all, physical attraction. I like height, complexion, nice features like teeth, pretty eyes. If they have some intelligence. We take it for granted, but most people don't. Common sense ain't so common.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Yes, a lot of the patrons here do.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Wait, that one might be my line.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

I wouldn't pay. I like terra firma.

What's your pet peeve?

People that are knowledgeable of their ignorance and accept it and don't do anything to change it.

Do you know where the expression pet peeve came from?

Some freak that liked his pet a little too much? I have no clue.

Would you save George Bush from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

Depends on what day of the week it was. I guess I would. You can't fault him for being an idiot.

What do you think about NASCAR?

NASCAR is pretty cool. My dream is to be a Formula One race car driver. So NASCAR would be a stepping stone to getting there. I like open car racing, I'm not a stock car fan.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Oprah, Paris, Medusa.

I would definitely marry Oprah. It's a toss-up between Medusa and Paris, but because of the family connection, I think I would fuck Paris. Medusa doesn't offer much in the way of a family line. You've got to think for the bigger picture here.

What's you favorite term for making whoopy?

Nookie

Name: Bridgette

Profession: Deli Manager at Common Market

Bridgette will fix you a meal any way you want. Just don't compliment her beautiful elbows.

How many tattoos do you have?

Way too many.

What song do you rock out hardest to in the shower?

The Thomas the Train soundtrack or Hank Williams.

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

George Bush being able to be President for four more years. No wait -- Dick Cheney running for President, that is far scarier.

Would you save Mr. President from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

Absolutely not. I would say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

What are you going to invent one day?

You know when you can't get your peanut butter out of the bottom of the thing? I'd invent something to push it up, like they have with toothpaste. Or I'd invent an automatic sandwich maker. No, an automatic sandwich wrapper.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

I don't wanna go to outer space.

What's the worst pick-up line you've heard?

Hey baby, nice elbows.

What did you say back?

Something about how good it would look in his eyeball.

What's your pet peeve?

Slow people who can't multi-task.

Do you have a pet peeve in the deli?

People who don't spread mayonnaise to the end of the bread. But I fired all those people.

Do you have a favorite sandwich or is that like picking a favorite child?

The hammamamma. It's my own personal sandwich. Ham, carrots, sprouts and munster cheese on a hoagie.

What's the most awkward thing that's ever happened to you?

Having a baby was pretty awkward. Physically.

Why?

You're in a room with people pulling babies out of you. It's just awkward.

If you could ask Viggo Mortenson one question, what would it be?

What kind of sandwich do you want?

What's your stripper name?

Heidi Friendship.

Please outline a clear exit strategy for the American troops in Iraq.

Fix the shit you fucked up and then get out.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Marshmallow Man, William Taft, John C. Reilly.

I would fuck the Marshmallow Man because he's not real and he might be good. I'd marry William Taft because he's dead and John C. Reilly could go off the cliff.

What's your dream?

I dream my child will be cool, and he won't be a Republican or a Baptist minister.

If you could ask me one question what would it be?

Where did you get that jacket?

I stole it from my college roommate. Shhh.

Name: Scott

Profession: Musician, stylist, make-up artist

Scott is a creative guru with a self-proclaimed rotten sense of humor (he named one of his bands Baby Shakers). When he's not crooning, he's rouging race car drivers.

So, um ... Baby Shakers? Are you evil?

I was watching the news without the sound one day and listening to a loud rock record. And there was a special about Baby Shaking Syndrome. On the screen in bright pink letters it flashed Baby Shakers! Baby Shakers! It sounded cute and funny, but really mean. That's how I felt about the band. But we're nice people.

Why do people lust after you?

I don't really know. People don't come up to me and say, "I lust after you."

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

If you go with me you can have anything you want, and you should know that.

What did you say back?

I'm not a hooker.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Not that I'm aware of, but I should pay more attention if that's a valid question.

What are you going to invent one day?

I would really like to have a magic carpet.

Would you take hitchhikers on your magic carpet or would you be too scared?

I would take them. They aren't going to do anything bad. It's a magic carpet.

How much would you pay to go into outer space?

I don't expect I'll ever have to pay for that. At some point, I just know I'm going to get to go.

How much money would it take to get to second base with you?

I'm broke right now. On tour I might do it for a place to sleep. A six-pack and your floor with an air mattress.

Would you save George Bush from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

I would save him. And then as soon as I made sure he was OK, I would sit down and talk to him about what an asshole he is.

What's your favorite Halloween costume of all-time?

Road kill. I wore a full fur animal costume and then I spray painted tire tracks across it. Then I made a ping-pong ball as an eyeball popping out. It freaked everyone out.

What's the most awkward thing that's ever happened to you?

My pants splitting open on stage. I was wearing these extremely tight hip huggers without underwear and the crotch just busted out. I was elevated so I'm sure I gave everyone a show. I had to tie my jacket around my waist for the rest of the show.

How much can you bench?

I can probably pick you up.

Tell us a joke.

What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? ... A flame thrower.

Do you have a favorite term for making whoopy?

Once I heard this really redneck girl call it stickin'. That was funny.

Names: Destiny and Kristy

Profession: bartenders/managers at the Sunset Club

There's a reason the Sunset Club charges a membership; well, actually, there are two reasons: One is Kristy, the other is Destiny. (Needless to say, we didn't have to ask Destiny what her stripper name would be.)

Why do people lust after you?

Destiny: (Points to her boobs.) I'm just kidding.

Kristy: Because we're bartenders, which a lot of guys have crushes on.

So do guys try to pick you up all the time?

Kristy: We get a lot of gifts. Concert tickets. Bobcats tickets.

Destiny: Dinner. Gift certificates.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

Destiny: I have a yacht, or I have a house on the lake.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Destiny: Oh, they've seen our underwear.

Kristy: We have to climb up a ladder behind the bar to get wines, and sometimes we wear skirts.

Have you caught them staring?

Destiny: We can feel it.

Kristy: Sometimes guys go, "Get back up there."

Is chest hair gross or sexy?

Kristy: Gross! Wax it off.

Destiny: A little bit is OK.

How much are your most expensive jeans?

Kristy: $250

Destiny: Only $100

What are you going to invent one day?

Kristy: The perfect man.

Does size matter ... in terms of muscle?

Kristy: Depends on the muscle.

Destiny: As long as they aren't a beef head. I like a range.

What's your favorite term for making whoopy?

Destiny: Shagging.

How much money would it take to get to second base with you?

Kristy: No amount of money.

Destiny: I think they would call that prostituting.

Even for $200 million?

Kristy: No.

Destiny: I think I could swing it for $200 million.

What's your pet peeve?

Destiny: Pretty much everything gets on my nerves.

Anything specific?

Destiny: No, everything.

Part Two ...

Name: PJ

Profession: Improv Comedian

Name the top two things women look for in a man. You probably said sense of humor and money. This Lust Lister has got you covered. A consultant during the week, PJ performs in an improv comedy troupe on the weekends.

What do you lust after?

I think the scholar Lil' Flip said it best: "I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the sheets."

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Yes. I don't really know why. There's nothing really interesting in my underwear.

Tell us a joke, funny man.

It's a lame one: What does Snoop Dogg call his umbrella? ... For drizza.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

Less than that guy from *NSYNC.

How much money would it take to get to second base with you?

10 pence -- however much that is.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Oprah, Paris, Medusa.

I'd fuck Medusa because that would be crazy. I'd marry Oprah because she's loaded. And I'd throw Paris off a cliff into a pool of snakes.

What's so crazy about Medusa?

I mean she's got snakes on her head. I figure that's almost like a threesome.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

Is your dad a terrorist? Because you're the bomb. I think that one was more popular pre-9/11.

What's your favorite term for making whoopy?

The Charles Dickens.

Would you save George Bush from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

I'd pull him out, get him all the way down stairs, then tell him, "Mission accomplished," and run out the door.

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

I'd say if Paris Hilton survived that cliff dive. I think we should all be afraid if that were to happen.

What are you going to invent one day?

A machine that brings cartoons to life.

Please outline a clear exit strategy for the American troops in Iraq.

I think we should send Paris Hilton there on a USO show.

What's your stripper name?

Slick Carl.

Do girls poop?

Only after eating Fuel pizza, hopefully not a sponsor. If they are, change it to Mr. Jim's.

Name: Paul

Profession: Bartender at Alexander Michael's

He's known for pouring a perfect pint of Guinness. Mountain-man sexy, he'll tend to your heart like he does his tavern.

Why do people lust after you?

It would probably have to be my soccer-mom haircut.

What song do you rock out hardest to in the shower?

The first two lines of "Love on the Rocks" by Neil Diamond: "Love on the rocks, ain't a big surprise/Pour me a drink and I'll tell you some lies."

How much do your most expensive jeans cost?

Twenty-five bucks. I only wear Levis. I couldn't pull anything else off.

Would you save George Bush from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

Humanely, yes; but I don't really care for him.

Where can we find you on a Saturday night?

I'm usually here, and when I'm off, I shouldn't be let out of the house. I tend to go overboard.

What's the best show you've ever seen?

Radiohead at Stone Mountain during the Kid A tour. It was in the meadows and intimate.

What's your pet peeve?

People who bitch.

Do you collect anything cool?

Bone. It started with this skeleton figure made out of monkey bones. Then people started bringing me bone things when they went on vacations.

Please outline a clear exit strategy for the American troops in Iraq.

I still don't know what they're doing over there in the first place.

If you could ask me one question what would it be?

What was the last movie you saw?

Being John Malkovich. What about you?

I watched Buster Keaton's The General while listening to the Pyramid album.

How much can you bench?

500 pounds.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Oprah, Paris, Medusa.

Is this the hot Medusa?

Well, you die if you look at her, but sure.

Then I'll have to throw her off the cliff. I'd marry Oprah for the money, and I guess I would sleep with Paris.

Do girls poop?

Oh, yeah.

Name: Karen

Profession: Owner of Jordannos

This Lust Lister has it all: ambition, style, spunk, cuteness and an unlimited wardrobe.

Why do people lust after you?

I think people are more intrigued by me. I have a lot in my life I have to accomplish. I'm always doing something. I'm not lazy. I'm constantly working. I personally don't think lust comes from only looks.

Does size matter ... in terms of muscles?

It's nice to have someone who doesn't look like a 50-year-old man when they're only 30. But it's not really that important; it's an added bonus.

What song do you rock out hardest to in the shower?

I'm more of a booty-music person. I grew up in south Florida where it was 2 Live Crew and Run DMC. There's not one particular song, but definitely dance music.

What's your favorite Halloween costume of all-time?

I'm obsessed with Grease. I could disgust people with how many times I'd watch it if you allowed me to watch it. One year I dressed up exactly like Sandy. I looked like her to the T. My mom even sewed the outfit on me just like Olivia Newton John.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

At the gym, sometimes guys come up and say, "Smile." And you just look at them like, "Is that your best line?" You want to say, "Idiot, I'm working out. Smiling is what the girls who wear make-up to the gym do."

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

Growing up, my biggest fear was being chased down the street by an alligator. I used to prepare myself and ask my dad the best way to avoid them. They run in zigzags. Or they can't run in zigzags, I can't remember.

How much can you bench?

I don't do weights like that anymore because I'm only five feet tall and I tend to bulk up very easily. But I would guess 75 pounds.

What are you going to invent one day?

I actually have some inventions in mind, but I'm not going to disclose them here. I've worked on patents before. They're fashion-related.

What's your stripper name?

Fluffy Venetian.

What's your favorite term for making whoopy?

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

If you could ask me one question what would it be?

What do the magazine and you personally consider hot?

I try to get a diverse group of people, because even Angus (the photographer) and I disagree on which people are hot.

Names: Jimmy and Jason

Profession: co-owner of Penguin and Kitchen manager

These Penguins could only be hotter if they were actually penguins (or if the other co-owner, Brian, had made it down in time for the photo shoot).

What do you lust after?

Jason: A fine sense of style and a nice pair of high heels.

What's the worst pick up line you heard?

Jason: Let's see where this 12-pack takes us.

Is there a shortcut into your pants?

Jason: Three Coronas.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Jimmy: They probably see mine because it sticks out.

Jason: Not this week.

But last week?

Jason: Yes, last week on a first date. She was looking, so I just showed them to her. They had little ghosts on them.

Have you ever seen a real ghost?

Jimmy: I have. A gargoyle. At the old Bang Bang Salon.

What did it look like?

Jimmy: It looked like a gargoyle. Indescribable.

Were you scared?

Jimmy: Yeah!

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

Jason: Going down on an ocean liner. I can't swim.

Do you ride on ocean liners often?

Jason: No, never.

What are you going to invent one day?

Jason: The last thing I invented was the solar-powered streetlight.

You actually invented it?

Jason: No, but I thought about it.

What's your stripper name?

Jason: Albino Johnson. That's my cowboy name.

You have a cowboy name?

Jason: All of us do.

What's your pet peeve?

Jason: Messiness.

Jimmy: Stupidity.

Do you know where the expression pet peeve came from?

Jason: I've never seen a pet peeve at Petsmart, so no.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

Jimmy: A hundred bucks

Jason: Sixty bucks.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Oprah, Paris, Medusa.

Jason: I would sleep with Medusa. Obviously, she could turn me into stone, which would be a good plus for the sex, and then she's got all those extra heads there, too, which could be used for some benefit. Marry Paris. And then I would throw Oprah as far as humanly possible.

What's you favorite term for making whoopy?

Jason: I usually don't waste time talking about it.

Name: Kim

Profession: Uptown Cabaret doorperson

Yes, we said no strippers, but Kim does everything at this strip club but strip. She works the door, bartends and waitresses.

Why do people lust after you?

Because I'm fun, loving and cute.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Yeah. You know how you sit down and your underwear shows through the back of your pants? That happens.

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

You get a lot here. I usually blow them off when they give me bad ones. People come up with cheesy stuff. I can't think of a good one. (Points to a customer named Clay who walks by.) He had a really bad one. He said, "Bend over and pretend like you're picking up a beer."

What did you say back?

Fuck you, Clay.

How much money would you pay to go to outer space?

$1,000.

How much money would it take to get to second base?

I can't be bought.

A nearby stripper: I can. I ain't gonna lie.

How much do your most expensive jeans cost?

$200.

What do you think about NASCAR?

Rednecks.

Would you save George Bush from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

Of course. I would save anyone.

Tell us a joke.

How did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said, "Lie to me, baby, lie to me."

What's your pet peeve?

Guys leaving hair in the sink from shaving.

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

Snakes and spiders.

Have you ever been skinny-dipping?

Yes, many times.

Could you say it's your hobby?

You could say that.

If you could ask me one question, what would it be?

How did you come up with these questions?