February 08, 2006 News & Views » Cover

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Conversations with Charlotte's hottest hotties

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I would definitely marry Oprah. It's a toss-up between Medusa and Paris, but because of the family connection, I think I would fuck Paris. Medusa doesn't offer much in the way of a family line. You've got to think for the bigger picture here.

What's you favorite term for making whoopy?

Nookie

Name: Bridgette

click to enlarge Bridgette - ANGUS LAMOND

Profession: Deli Manager at Common Market

Bridgette will fix you a meal any way you want. Just don't compliment her beautiful elbows.

How many tattoos do you have?

Way too many.

What song do you rock out hardest to in the shower?

The Thomas the Train soundtrack or Hank Williams.

What's the scariest thing you can think of?

George Bush being able to be President for four more years. No wait -- Dick Cheney running for President, that is far scarier.

Would you save Mr. President from a burning house fire if he were screaming out your name for help?

Absolutely not. I would say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

What are you going to invent one day?

You know when you can't get your peanut butter out of the bottom of the thing? I'd invent something to push it up, like they have with toothpaste. Or I'd invent an automatic sandwich maker. No, an automatic sandwich wrapper.

How much money would you pay to go into outer space?

I don't wanna go to outer space.

What's the worst pick-up line you've heard?

Hey baby, nice elbows.

What did you say back?

Something about how good it would look in his eyeball.

What's your pet peeve?

Slow people who can't multi-task.

Do you have a pet peeve in the deli?

People who don't spread mayonnaise to the end of the bread. But I fired all those people.

Do you have a favorite sandwich or is that like picking a favorite child?

The hammamamma. It's my own personal sandwich. Ham, carrots, sprouts and munster cheese on a hoagie.

What's the most awkward thing that's ever happened to you?

Having a baby was pretty awkward. Physically.

Why?

You're in a room with people pulling babies out of you. It's just awkward.

If you could ask Viggo Mortenson one question, what would it be?

What kind of sandwich do you want?

What's your stripper name?

Heidi Friendship.

Please outline a clear exit strategy for the American troops in Iraq.

Fix the shit you fucked up and then get out.

Of the following three people, pick one you would have sex with, one you would marry and one you would throw off a cliff: Marshmallow Man, William Taft, John C. Reilly.

I would fuck the Marshmallow Man because he's not real and he might be good. I'd marry William Taft because he's dead and John C. Reilly could go off the cliff.

What's your dream?

I dream my child will be cool, and he won't be a Republican or a Baptist minister.

If you could ask me one question what would it be?

Where did you get that jacket?

I stole it from my college roommate. Shhh.

Name: Scott

click to enlarge Scott - ANGUS LAMOND

Profession: Musician, stylist, make-up artist

Scott is a creative guru with a self-proclaimed rotten sense of humor (he named one of his bands Baby Shakers). When he's not crooning, he's rouging race car drivers.

So, um ... Baby Shakers? Are you evil?

I was watching the news without the sound one day and listening to a loud rock record. And there was a special about Baby Shaking Syndrome. On the screen in bright pink letters it flashed Baby Shakers! Baby Shakers! It sounded cute and funny, but really mean. That's how I felt about the band. But we're nice people.

Why do people lust after you?

I don't really know. People don't come up to me and say, "I lust after you."

What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard?

If you go with me you can have anything you want, and you should know that.

What did you say back?

I'm not a hooker.

Do people ever try to look at your underwear?

Not that I'm aware of, but I should pay more attention if that's a valid question.

What are you going to invent one day?

I would really like to have a magic carpet.

Would you take hitchhikers on your magic carpet or would you be too scared?

I would take them. They aren't going to do anything bad. It's a magic carpet.

How much would you pay to go into outer space?

I don't expect I'll ever have to pay for that. At some point, I just know I'm going to get to go.

How much money would it take to get to second base with you?

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