When people figure out that I'm the guy who writes The Blotter — Creative Loafing's weekly column about Charlotte's most bizarre crimes and criminals, taken straight from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department — they have one of two reactions. Most readers love it; they tell me that it's their favorite part of CL and the reason they pick up the paper every week. And then there are the ones who've been waiting to meet me because they're pissed.
One guy (who is now a friend) once told me he likes the column, but I shouldn't have made fun of the homeless woman who got robbed for a bag of $300 in coins. He knows the woman through a friend; she's apparently really struggling, and I don't doubt that. But hey, maybe she read the piece and my joke about learning what a Coinstar is and now her life is 10 times better ... and she doesn't have back problems anymore. That's how I sleep at night.
The truth is that the law of human nature applies to everyone: victims, suspects and police officers. From morons who are trying to file a police report after losing their wallet in their own home to unstable folks trying to attempt suicide by swallowing pencils — 10 percent of people are great at what they do, 80 percent are mediocre and the other 10 percent just make a big mess of everything. That last 10 percent are the people who keep me employed. And here, in our annual collection of The Blotter's best/worst, are their stories.
Girls (and Guys) Behaving Badly
Like A Fool: A woman was arrested on Trade Street for exhibiting all kinds of behavior that I find attractive in a lady. The suspect was found approaching men and begging for sex, going to the bathroom in public, being nude in public from the waist down and being in possession of rolling papers.
Something Smells Fishy: A man was arrested last week leaving a local Bi-Lo with stolen goods. The man was caught in the parking lot after trying to conceal two bags of shrimp, a bag of flounder and a donut in his clothing before leaving without paying. I'm thinking it probably wasn't too difficult for police to pick up his scent.
Hot New Club: Police were tipped off to a nightclub operation that was taking place in an abandoned Mexican restaurant in Charlotte and set up surveillance on the spot. When officers entered the facility, they found a bartender serving out of 30 different bottles of liquor. They also found women stripping for patrons. Any food specials, you ask? Yep: a pile of hot wings on a hot plate. The bartender, a few women and a couple of patrons were arrested. Hey, you guys are always welcome to throw a party at my house.
Touch Yourself: Police were called to a local beauty salon after employees saw two men masturbating on the sidewalk out in front of the store. This might turn off customers at first, but I see it as a great marketing opportunity. "Our salon will get you looking so good, men won't be able to resist dropping their pants and rubbing one out right there on the street when they see you!"
Drinking Games: Police responded to a loud disturbance at a motel, where they found two middle-aged men who had been fighting. One man, let's call him Ronny, told officers that he just came to visit with his friend, Danny, in his motel room. He then fell asleep, only to wake up later getting punched repeatedly in the face by Danny. Danny admitted to this beating, but said that Ronny had punched him in the face earlier in the night. Both were clearly intoxicated and admitted they couldn't really remember much of the night. Both were taken to jail, and Charlotte was better off for just a few hours.
Clumsy: A 24-year-old man called police after losing one of his most prized possessions. He told officers he was fishing on Lake Norman and was leaning over the boat to grab a fish when he dropped his 9 mm gun, which quickly fell to the bottom of the lake. This reminds me of that time I was hunting. I was just getting ready to hook a huge stag, and I dropped my fishing pole right out of the tree.
Want My Baby Back: A 57-year-old man called police after his wife assaulted him with her own hard work. He told officers the couple got into an argument during dinner, and she picked an entire slab of ribs off of her plate and slammed him over the head with it, causing scratches and bruises. She later tried to break the plate over his head, as well. When all was said and done, I'm sure this guy didn't look any different from how I look after legitimately eating a slab of ribs.
No. 2 Pencil: A woman was rushed to the hospital after attempting suicide last week. The reporting person stated that she tried to kill herself ingesting several pencils and an entire bottle of hairspray.
Damaged Goods: A 29-year-old man called police after being involved in a domestic dispute. He told officers he was arguing with his wife when things got physical. The woman threw a chair at her husband, striking him in the face and chest. She then grabbed onto his testicles "with great force." This man will never be able to look at a chair again without being traumatized — not to mention what it will feel like to sit down in one for the next couple of months.
Piss Drunk: A police officer arrested a man in the NoDa area after he couldn't hold it in any longer. The officer came across a woman and her two friends at an intersection and escorted them to their vehicle. When they arrived at the car, the only male in the group stood in plain view of the officer and an unrelated female pedestrian, unzipped his pants and began urinating all over the place. He was then placed under arrest and transported to jail, where I'm sure he proceeded to take a dump in the corner of his cell.
Wild Ride: A 47-year-old man called police after being almost killed twice by a man during a road rage incident. He told officers the suspect cut him off and after hearing the victim beep his horn, pulled a gun out and started pointing it at him. The victim, being the good decision maker that he is, got out of his car at the next light and jumped on the hood of the suspect's car. The suspect sped off, forcing the man to hang on to the hood, and then hit the brakes, throwing him off the car. Yes, you were forced to hang on, but you sure as hell weren't forced to get on in the first place.
Hero: Police responded to an attempted break-in after a woman called saying someone was trying to kick in her door. When police arrived, they found a man beating against the side door of the house with a rake handle. When they told him to stop, he yelled, "You've got the wrong guy. I'm a firefighter, and someone is trapped in that house." The suspect then dropped to the ground and was detained. He was clearly intoxicated and demanded to know why they weren't saving the person in the house. Witnesses told police the man approached the house and identified himself as a firefighter before starting to throw rocks through the windows. The 19-year-old told police he left a concert and was walking around until he heard screaming and tried to save the woman inside. Police believed while questioning him that he acted as if he was under the influence of a narcotic. And you know what? I think I agree with the cops.
Now Steal This
Dangling Bait: A woman called police after someone stole some items from her purse on a trip to visit her husband. She said that she was visiting her man at the Carolina Rehabilitation Center when someone stole 206 OxyContin pills from her purse, along with her wallet. That's like hiring Miley Cyrus to be the new host of To Catch a Predator. Leave the ridiculous amount of pills at home next time.
Just Plain Weird: Police were called to a local Walmart after catching a man attempting to shoplift a variety of items. The man was caught trying to leave the store with pork chitlins, Robitussin cough syrup, a magazine, Mickey Mouse underwear, a training bra, fake eyelashes, a kit for doing your nails, another bra, an Usher CD, little girl panties, earrings, a Mickey Mouse scarf, girl's blue jeans, a fleece, Mariah Carey perfume, boy's clothing and a girl's jacket. He's getting a head start on next Halloween; looks like he's planning to dress as a Southern, child-molesting, cross-dressing prostitute with a cold.
Cheesy Criminals: A 19-year-old Hungry Howie's employee called police after he was robbed during a delivery. He told officers that two men approached him as he exited his vehicle and began punching him in the face. The men grabbed the pizza and ran off. Wow. You risk going to prison just so you can take a damned pizza?
Hide Among Them: A woman was arrested after she stole alcohol from a grocery store. Witnesses told police that the woman was perusing the wine section at the store and picked out one she liked. She then sat on the floor and popped the cork. After finishing the entire bottle (Where was the staff this whole time?), she placed it back on the counter and attempted to leave without paying for her consumed wine. Would it have been OK if she had paid for the consumed wine? That's the real question here.
Too Easy: A 46-year-old woman called police after realizing her car had been stolen, and she had given the thieves her keys. She told officers two suspects came to her residence and identified themselves as vehicle recovery agents. They said they were there to repossess her car, and she voluntarily handed over the keys. When she called the finance company the men claimed to be working for, they said that she had no such problems on her record. I guess there is something more embarrassing than getting your car repossessed.
Not Playing: An 18-year-old male called police after being assaulted and robbed by a group of guys from his neighborhood. He told officers he was walking home with his friends at 8:30 p.m. when the suspects approached them laughingly and acted as if they wanted to "play fight." During this "play fight" they held him down and tried to take money from his pockets. They stole a cell phone and house keys from the other victim's pockets and ran off. I'd hate to be in a real fight with these guys.
Threats of the YEar
• A 24-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a very unstable man. The man was on the phone with the victim and stated, "You better tell that bitch in the background that if she doesn't shut up I will kill her. I am definitely going to kill you. You don't know who you are fucking with. I will come down there and tear your face off and mail it to your mother."
• A 60-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a neighbor. She told officers the woman called her and stated, "I am going to throw a bomb in your yard. What do you want here? Anyway, we don't need white people in our neighborhood. I wouldn't even let my dog mess with you. Go back to Germany, bitch, or I will kill you." In the police report, the victim is listed as black.
• A 40-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called the victim one night and stated, "You're going to get yours. Not your brother, not your cousins, not anybody that is around you is going to be able to stop me. [Not Mr. T? Not Jack Bauer? Not anybody?] I'm going to get you. And when I do get you, you are going to feel it. So enjoy life."
• A 20-year-old woman called police after being threatened and harassed by a known suspect. The victim stated that the suspect said, "I'm going to kill you. I hope your family has made funeral arrangements for you. I have a hit out for you. I'm going to beat you up when I see you. I'm going to get someone to steal your car." Why are you backing down with every sentence? You went from being the person doing the killing to not even wanting to participate in grand theft auto.
• A 27-year-old man called police after being threatened via text message. The victim told officers that the suspect sent him two texts, and one of them stated, "I don't want to kill you. I just want to see you suffer, and I will get someone to hurt you bad." Send him right over then, but remember: no murder. You promised.
• A woman called police after being threatened by a robot. She told officers that she received four threatening calls within an hour from a computerized system that shows her own number on the caller ID. When she picked up, a digital-flavored voice stated, "Bitch, I am going to beat your ass when I see you. Tonight I am coming over to kill you and your kids." The machine then gave up its identity when it signed off by saying, "Hasta la vista, baby."
• A 36-year-old man called police after he heard some disconcerting gossip from a friend. He said that his friend received six calls from a known suspect who was threatening the victim. The suspect told the man, "I am going to kill him and distribute his body parts all over the world." Insert your own Carmen Sandiego joke.