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The Blotter: Real Geniuses 

Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files

Watch This One man in south Charlotte was all wound up when he discovered that his watch was taken from his own yard. According to the police report, the 50-year-old man was working in his yard when he took his timepiece off his wrist and placed it on top of some stones so that it would not get dirty. He now probably wishes he would've just let it get dirty, because he walked off without picking the watch up. That was a big mistake, considering the 18-karat, Patek Phillipe Calatrava watch worth $24,000 was gone by the time he went back outside. Now, the ticked off man is asking police for a second hand in finding it.

Easy Peasy In another demonstration of a complete lack of awareness, a woman reported her car stolen last week in the Yorkmount neighborhood of southwest Charlotte. Per the incident report filed with the police department, the victim stated that around 7:40 p.m., an unkown suspect absconded with her 1991 Lincoln Town Car. The woman told police that she left the car unlocked and running in the parking lot of a QuikTrip gas station on East Woodlawn Road, and that's when someone decided to take a quick trip the hell out of there with her car.

Music-Go-Round Someone presumably wanted to start a band in southwest Charlotte last week, but had no capital to get the ball rock 'n' rolling, so resorted to burglary. According to an 82-year-old victim, unknown suspects broke into his Arbor Glen home and left with an array of 15 different musical items and equipment, including commemorative guitars, bass guitars, keyboards and a synthesizer. According to the report, the overall value of all the items stolen is about $5,600. Although the Beastie Boys fought for your right to party, this isn't what they meant. Not very punk of the suspects to be preying on the elderly ... or any musicians ... or any people, for that matter.

Mad at Father One person was presumably not happy about a certain pizza company leader's racist verbiage, or was just really hungry, but whatever their motive, a would-be thief was sent packing with no food or money in east Charlotte last week. Police responded to an attempted break-in call at a Papa John's on Cambridge Commons Drive after an unknown suspect tried to enter the premises around 1:48 a.m. early in August by throwing a cinder block through the front door of the business. They didn't quite have the arm they thought they did, however, and weren't able to break the glass or enter the business. The suspect did do about $1,000 worth of damage to the front windows of the pizzeria. Perhaps they should look for "better ingredients, better pizza, cheaper glass."

Hauled Away Everyone's go-to moving company, U-Haul, had a jam-packed week full of incidents recently when four separate occasions called for police reports. The first one involved an abandoned 26-foot moving van found in the cellphone lot of Charlotte-Douglas International Airport. When police arrived around 9:50 p.m., they found the vehicle unoccupied and through a registration check, discovered it was a rental truck that had not been returned on the due date. Immediately after, a report filed by a different officer was entered for another abandoned U-Haul vehicle found in a west Charlotte neighborhood. Apparently, people don't understand the concept of rentals, because two more reports came in later that same morning stating that two U-Haul vehicles were not returned to a U-Haul center in southwest Charlotte, per the rental agreements, at the end of July. We can only presume that the sudden boom in Charlotte population is causing this high demand for moving trucks.

DV-Don't Earlier this month, one woman presumably could not wait for her favorite movie titles to hit Netflix streaming services, as she was caught attempting to steal a myriad of DVDs from a Walmart in Matthews. According to the report, the witness saw the suspect stuff 11 DVDs, totaling $180.56, into her purse and attempt to walk pout of the store. Maybe she was planning a really long movie marathon, but there's no binge-watching where she's going.

Oh, Dear Officers were outsmarted in south Charlotte when they tried to set up a surveillance sting in a park that had been seeing lots of theft lately but then became victims themselves. Officers set up a deer camera at William R. Davie Park off Pineville-Matthews Road in response to a rash of car break-ins there. When officers returned five days later to pick up the camera and see if they caught anyone in the act, they found that a thief had made off with the camera itself, worth $75.

What a Prick One business in the NoDa neighborhood was on pins and needles when a suspect made off with a succulent plant in the middle of the night last week. Pura Vida Worldly Art filed a report online with the police after some prick stole a cactus from a flowerpot just outside on the property between 1:13 and 1:14 a.m. last week. On Facebook, store owner Teresa Hernández posted video of the hooded-and-gloved man walking on North Davidson Street with a friend before grabbing the cactus and pulling it out of the dirt, roots and all, then crossing the street as if nothing had happened. Some of y'all really need a hobby.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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