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World's Worst Stocking Stuffers! 

That lump of coal is looking pretty good

The insanity of Christmas buying is winding down and all that's left are those pesky stocking stuffers -- the silly filler gifts bought simply to give Christmas morning that extra bulk. Usually, it's an excuse to unload extra candy, cheap "party favor" type gifts, or something someone assumes you need (like mace -- seriously, I got that in my stocking one year).This year is going to be different; this year you can get that special someone something he or she needs but has been too embarrassed to purchase. With the website, you can't go wrong -- it's a virtual candy-land of hard to find and embarrassing items. Here's where you'll find "Really Small Condoms," each one measuring up to less than 3/4 inch ($2.99 for pack of 3), or a long list of gas relief products, such as "Flatulex" and "CharcoCaps" which are advertised to "cure smelly farts" ($27.99 and $12.95 respectively). In the realm of personal hygiene, there's the "Lady Bikini Trimmer - For Intimate Areas" ($19.95) -- those are always fun -- and the "Breath Remedy Tongue Scraper" to help cure bad breath ($4.49)!

And then there's the "what the hell?" realm, wherein reside gifts like the upsetting "Nite Train-r Bed-Wetting Alarm." As if wetting the bed isn't bad enough, now there's an alarm system that'll alert everybody else in the house to your incontinence ($68.99). Or the inexplicable "Instant Smelly Shit," which dispenses like hair mousse and "smells super-bad" ($4.99) -- what more could you want? Also available are "Femtone Vaginal Weights" -- training weights for Kegel exercises to overcome urinary incontinence. What's more perplexing than the vaginal weights' existence is the fact that they're completely sold out! Guess we know what someone's getting in her stocking this year!

From the ever-interesting world of William Shatner comes the ultimate reality show -- why they didn't air this on Comedy Central, I can't figure out. It's a video called William Shatner's Spplat Attack. Here's the set up: Shatner hosted a charity event which was the "largest Star Trek scenario paintball game ever." And they videotaped it so you can buy it! calls it "Star Trek meets Survivor... Over 1,500 people gathered (and, we assume, paid for the privilege) to simultaneously play a reality-based Star Trek scenario paintball game, where participants received a "one of a kind' opportunity to fight alongside Captain Shatner in a unique paintball competition. . ." Amazon lists the VHS version for $12.99 or a DVD for $17.96.

In the mid-60s, one show dared to blaze a trail for Japanese animation on American television -- and that show was Gigantor! (known to his friends and his goofy theme song as Gigantor the Space Age Robot). Many future aspects of what's now called Anime were already there: the kid with big eyes, a lot of unusual, dramatic angles, evil-busting action, and plots utterly devoid of common sense. The only contemporary feature missing from the black-and-white series was color. Gigantor was a huge flying robot who kicked the shit out of anybody who threatened his master, Jimmy Sparks, the son of Gigantor's creator. Jimmy had a remote control joystick that sent Gigantor into battle against an apparently continuous assault by aliens or other robots controlled by ill-defined enemies. Hey, it's a cartoon, whaddaya expect? We did say it often makes no sense. In any case, now you can own the first 26 episodes of Gigantor in a DVD boxed set from Rhino for a mere $59.95. And if you really get to liking Gigantor, don't worry -- the second box set collection is set to be released in late January 2003.

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