Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Crab

Posted By on Wed, Nov 21, 2007 at 6:09 PM

This position begins with the woman taking stance with the yoga position known as the bridge. Lying flat on her back (so far... so good, right?), the woman places her feet and hands close to her body in preparation to lift her body into the air and arch her back so that her crotch will be offered up for the man's taking. Giving her extra support around her hips to aid in her ability to stay in the position, the man penetrates her yoni while stimulating her clitoris.

Bonus: With the womans head tilted down at such an angle to allow extra blood to drain towards the brain, her orgasm will be intensified two-fold.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate position (1 as horrible, 10 as sexual nirvana)? 

As cool as this position would seem on paper in actuality I have to give it a 3... and the extra 3 points are only for the novelty and entertainment factor I felt it worthy.

Did you have difficulty getting into the position?  If your woman is not yoga affluent, then chances are she is not going to be able to do this position long enough for any real fun to begin. And as for us guys, we have the easy part of crouching and humping. So, if you can crouch and you can hump, your 1/100 of the way there.

Did you feel like a pretzel? Were you able to do the motions once in position?  I felt like a Cirque Du Soleil performer more than anything. The motions are easy enough, but the real question is are you going to be fast enough before the crab falls to the ground. Any of you 2-minute wonders will be in good company with this position I can assure you, as you will be lucky if your partner can stay in this position for over that. And as an added bonus, you probably won't receive any complaints of premature, but rather a sympathetic ejaculation.

Any recommendations on getting either in or out of this position:  I have absolutely no recommendation what-so-ever. Either you can do it or you can't, there is no saving grace that I have yet found.

How long did you last in the position?  She lasted on average about five to ten seconds between arching's, which was too quick for me to even get into the crouching and humping part!

Enjoyment once you were in position (for the woman):  She had absolutely zero enjoyment out of the whole experience and it had the other unfortunate outcome of making her feel out of shape, which only further put a damper on the rest of the evening.

Enjoyment once you were in position (for the man):  I am the one who gave this position a 3 and why not. I got a free porn show featuring my favorite part of the woman's anatomy and I came away confident in knowing that if I ever did get the chance to do this again, I am fairly certain I could at least perform the humping part and I'll just use a chair if I can't manage the crouching.

Short Answers:

Was the position comfortable? Were you able to relax?

Man:  Sure, this position was comfortable enough...

Woman:  Absolutely in no way comfortable she would say.

Would you consider this to be an intimate position (Why or why not)?  No... we have here a position that mimics the old Andrew Dice Clay punchline, “how can you give a blow job from a block away and still tell them that you love them?” There is not much of a spiritual/mental connection here and if you're like me, there won't be much of a physical one either.

Are you achy or sore after the fact?

Man:  No.

Woman:  No.

What did the position feel like (both mentally and physically) in 50 words or less?  This

position is very visually stimulating, yet without any real action it loses its luster rather quickly and tarnish the old knob long before it even gets a chance to polish itself in the love hole. Temptation and patience can be a great thing as long as there's a way to give-in to it eventually!

Did she reach orgasm?  No she did not.

Did he reach orgasm?  Nope!

Did it take longer than usual to reach orgasm?  N/A

Would you do this position again (why or why not)?  No, I would not try this one unless I was sure that I had a partner that could complete the act. This position will wound your inner child (you know, the one that thinks you can still do anything) and give you a lifelong fetish for yoga instructors if you're not careful.

Any suggestions to make the position more pleasurable: Yes indeed. If you want to get an idea of how this position could feel without all the huff and puff, try using a short bar stool, dining room chair, stacking several pillows, or even using some of that “sex furniture” if you have it.

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