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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Happy Hump Day Women Viagra?
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, May 11, 2011 at 2:34 PM
Recently, I walked into Smoothie King and found this displayed among the vitamins, fish oil and diet drugs: Arousal and Pleasure Libido-Boost for Women.
Can you imagine a soccer mom bringing her second grader into Smoothie King, and the little boy pointing at the box and asking, "Hey mommy, what's a libido?"
No wonder the birds and bees conversation (and actions) seem to be happening earlier these days.
I can't go anywhere without seeing a product advertising to enhance my mojo. I was handed Extenze for Women samples at a NASCAR event, and got this libigirl sexual enhancement and energy shot at a gas station cashier counter because they were out of 5-Hour Energy.
As seen here on my desk. Don't judge.
But funny thing is, they all have different ingredients. Horny Goat Weed extract, Maca root powder, Black pepper and ginger root seem to be the key magic ingredients for "stimulating arousal" and "optimizing sexual pleasure and enjoyment." The Smoothie King brand even has L-Tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine. Why not just drink Ginger Beer and put lots of pepper on your food? That oughta spice things up.
I thought a woman hit her sexual peak at 40. So why are these sexual enhancement over-the-counter-drugs on just about every counter? Has America's sex drive gone down? Curious, I called the contact number provided by the website listed on the bottle. But they didn't speak very good English and didn't know of any health advisers I could talk to. So I called Smoothie King and was put through to a voice mail to someone in marketing. So I researched the Extenze website...
Are there any side effects to Women ExtenZe?
Possible side effects include acne, hair loss, facial hair growth, oily skin, clitoral and vulvar enlargement, excessively heightened sex drive, irritability, and increased levels of female estrogen or testosterone.
... if excessively heightened sex drive is the side effect, then what's the main course? Hmmm ... facial hair or larger clitoris ... tough choice.
What will Women ExtenZe do for me?
Women ExtenZe helps strengthened the connection between mind, body and spirit. It fortifies, nourishes, supports and strengthens sex like no other nutritional product that has ever been introduced for women.
Funny, the Smoothie King brand said they have the best nutrients for sexual enhancement. Potatoe, Potata. Libido, Libado. Guess it depends which nutritional label you're reading.
I guess these drugs are just to help the women keep up with all the men on Viagra.
But none of these statements have been evaluated by the FDA. And I personally like them to approve my drugs, and my men, before I take them. Because men are like a drug after all: they can get you so high, but just as quickly, they can also bring you way down.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Dating and Mating 'Jungle fever' is not contagious
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, May 10, 2011 at 2:18 PM
My rumored and assumed sex life is far more eventful than my actual one.
But give me some credit here, people ... no, I've never slept with Tucker Max, but at least that ass-sumption makes sense considering I went on a book tour with him.
Rather, he spent the entire tour making fun of my sex life:
"This is my tour manager Brittney. I'm not sleeping with her, have never slept with her, and will never sleep with her. But she's single, so you guys can hit on her if you want. But you probably won't get anywhere with her unless you're an old redneck or a black football player."
Why would he say that? Let me explain ...
a) I have a big butt and dark hair and skin.
b) I've allegedly dated Michael Vick.
I didn't know about it, but I've heard it several times, so it must be true, right? I literally ran into him once at the Virginia Tech dining hall before he ever played a game there. Does that count as dating? My junior year, I rescued a pitbull from a fighting ring that I now realize was likely Mike Vick's. Does that count?
Funny how a completely ridiculously untrue rumor that I "dated Michael Vick" traveled from Virginia Tech to my hometown in Harrisonburg, Va., all the way down to Charlotte like a word-of-mouth US Weekly.
A girl who went to Virginia Tech told her boyfriend who worked for FOX, and the next thing I know Brotha Fred is making jokes about it. I guess when you're in the mass communications field, a rumor travels a lot further and faster.
Well, a guy I went on a date with not too long ago asked me said rumor:
Dude: Did you ever date Michael Vick?
Me: NOOOOOOOO! That rumor is like herpes, I can't get rid of it.
Dude: (skeptical) Have you ever dated a black guy?
Me: Ummm ... Why does it matter?
He, in so many words, basically said it mattered so much that he couldn't date me if I had.
So, is he racist or insecure?
Now, I can understand him having an issue with me dating a dog-killing football player, but a black guy in general? That, I don't get.
I asked an ex-boyfriend-friend about it, and he said white guys get intimidated by girls who have dated black guys because of the myth that they have huge dicks. And therefore their dick will seem small to her, making her a penis fly trap.
It's bullshit ... the theory and the myth. Trust me, I know. The ex-boyfriend I was inquiring about this to, a skinny white short nerd, is more well-endowed than the tall, built black professional athlete I really did date. (No, it wasn't Michael Vick)
Isn't it the law to be an equal opportunity employer? Well, that should apply to dating as well. A guy's color or penis size really has no effect on how he'll treat you. I get that we're in the South, but maybe we should be more open-minded about this. Girls don't discount guys just because they've dated bikini models and skanks.
"Jungle fever" is not contagious. Don't worry, I'm not going to give it you.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sex and the Queen City / Random.com Word to your mother
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, May 9, 2011 at 12:56 PM
I hope everyone enjoyed their Mother's Day — the moms and non-moms alike. Like TuPac said, we appreciate ya mamas. And congrats to the non-moms, for not getting knocked up by a loser; that deserves a card from Hallmark as well.
Being a mother is the most important, toughest job there is. So just like a business honors an employee of the year, I'd like to honor a mother of the year.
You may remember my friend Leah, who, perfectly healthy, went in to give labor to her twin boys, but didn't come out of the hospital until three months later, with a new liver. She was cut too deep when given her C-Section and suffered internal bleeding aggravated by the common pregnancy disease, HELLP Syndrome. Well, she and her twin boys are doing much better — as are her two livers. They are one big happy family.
In between taking rejection drugs and having to get continual biopsies done, Leah is keeping up with her two little men better than anyone I know could, even without having major organ transplant surgery.
Her advice to mothers: "Take a deep breath when you get frustrated, and teach your children to do the same. It helps calm everyone down. Aside from that, enjoy all the little things because it goes by faster than you can imagine, and you don't get those times back."
Leah will never get the first three months of her babies' lives back while she was hospitalized, but she doesn't complain about it. She just cherishes every moment she has, focusing on the time she gets, fretting not about the time she lost. And that, is why she is mother of the year!
And for all you non-moms not wanting to get knocked up by losers, might I suggest the best form of birth control not available on the market ... this.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Dating and Mating / Guest Blogger The UNC Date List
Posted By Web Editor on Fri, May 6, 2011 at 3:12 PM
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Dating and Mating A watched phone never rings
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, May 5, 2011 at 12:48 PM
They say a "watched pot never boils" ... but that's bullshit because I just put a pot of water on the stove to make lunch. And as a little science experiment (and to get a nice steam facial), I watched it — and it did in fact start boiling.
The water molecules aren't shy — they're not thinking, "Hold it in. Don't boil ... she's watching us!"
Theory debunked. Perhaps they should change the saying to "A watched phone never rings" ... because that's more accurate.
It may vibrate from a text (most likely not from the person you're waiting on a call from), but it will never ring if you're sitting there waiting for it to.
Not the boss you just interviewed with, not the friend you pissed off, and especially not the person you like and just started dated. Only when you're out living your life will the phone ring, for you to answer at your convenience. It's a law of attraction — if you're sitting around anxious, staring at your phone wondering when they're going to call, all that negativity will keep the phone from ringing. But if you just go about your business knowing that the phone will eventually ring, it does. It's even more scientifically accurate than the boiling water theory.
And no, closing your eyes will not help. A watched phone will never ring.
Brinnnnnnnnnnnnnng Brinnnnnnnnnnnnnng. That's your life calling ... not someone on the phone.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind The best place to go for relationship advice: Your stomach
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, May 4, 2011 at 10:15 AM
When it comes to a woman's love life, oftentimes her guiding counsel are her girlfriends. "What do you think I should do?" ... "What does that mean?" ... "Do you think he meant X when he did Z?" ... we ask each other as though we're male, therapists and fortune tellers. Some girls I know have to consult their three best friends before replying to a text message.
Friends can offer solid advice — but the one thing that will never steer you wrong is your gut.
I'm not talking about the growling in your stomach telling you that you're hungry and forgot to eat breakfast. I'm referring to your intuition.
Your head tends to over-rationalize things and debate with itself. Your heart can be naive, fragile and make excuses. And your friends can be biased toward you, offering only one-sided advice ... not to mention they too are female with about as much insight into the male mind as you have. Your gut is always right. Because it offers not a thought, but a feeling.
Try and silence your head so you can hear your intuition talking to you through your stomach. I promise you'll make better decisions. Now, if only our heart had a brain, then we'd be set.
This is true about every aspect of life. If your stomach is telling you not to walk down that dark street alone, you should consider a different route. If your stomach is telling you not to do something that your mind is doing on auto pilot, listen to your stomach, and react accordingly. It's almost as though your stomach has psychic abilities. Use that gut feeling as your guiding light.
If this were a musical, this is where we'd all break out into song and dance to Jewel's "Intuition" ... Let go of your mind, Your Intuition, It will lead you in the right direction, Yeahhhh Oooohh Ooooh Intuition.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Guest Blogger Match.com: Take 3
Posted By Web Editor on Mon, May 2, 2011 at 12:14 PM
In the aftermath of my Match.com love quest for Brittney, I was beginning to feel a little discouraged. The only connection I was finding through online dating was to the Internet. My roommate, on the other hand, who felt inspired by my match-making, has found success via this dating tool and refers to Match.com as online shopping for women.
In his words: “No thanks, I’m just browsing.”
Ready to send up the white flag, I began scanning the site for success stories for inspiration. While seeking out these “true love” accounts, I stumbled across the official Match.com blog. As a blogger myself, I felt it my duty is explore. Unfortunately, this reading material didn’t leave me with any sort of redemption of faith for Match’s match-making abilities.
Exhibit A:
This blog post includes actual percentages of women’s expectations from a guy financially on their first date. It also breaks down percentages of what single people expect and how women and singles react to finances on the initial date. The post goes as far as to say that “50% of women think it would be OK for their date to pay with a coupon.”
Has dating become such a game of numbers that as a woman, I’ve become a statistic? Since when has dating become a business transaction?
And if this statistic is correct, “51% of women would be impacted by financial generosity, be it tipping or donating.” So are you telling me that 49 percent of women polled would be cool with a guy who failed to tip their server or bartender? You’ve got to be kidding me. Is the recession the villain responsible for the death of chivalry?
Wait, Match.com isn’t finished. Now we’re discussing tax returns and how single people use them. Maybe these aren’t the people to trust Brittney’s love life with after all …
— Jordan Bullington
