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Thursday, May 19, 2011
Boomer with Attitude I was wrong on abortion bill (a satirical change of heart)
Posted By John Grooms on Thu, May 19, 2011 at 3:24 PM
I’ve changed my mind about the abortion bill in the state legislature. The bill is strongly supported by House Speaker Thom Tillis and Senate Majority Leader Skip Stam, and was introduced by Charlotte’s own Ruth Samuelson. I recently condemned the bill, which would force women who have opted for an abortion to wait 24 hours; pay for an ultrasound whether they want one or not; hear a doctor's dog-and-pony show about the fetus' gestational age, the medical risks of abortion, etc., etc.; and be presented with the religious right’s views that “the life of each human being begins at conception” and “abortion will terminate the life of a separate, unique living human being” as if they were scientific facts.
I thought those were intrusive requirements, but now I figure “What the hey,” it’s like supporters of the bill say: It’s just giving women “as much background as possible when they're making decisions.” The way I see it, as long as other private decisions will also come with state-mandated information to provide context, then let’s go for it. For that reason, I urge the state legislature to come up with other bills to help give people of all stripes “as much background as possible when they're making decisions.” Here are my suggestions:
• Politicians voting to curtail abortions must first see films of women who've been killed by pre-Roe v. Wade back-alley abortions, as well as a documentary about the plight of unwanted children.
• Couples who decide to have a child must see photos of parents paying for diapers, clothes, food, day care, more clothes, school expenses, summer camps, more food, laptop computers, prom gowns, more food and clothes, and college tuition.
• Anyone who wants a new dog must watch a PowerPoint presentation on the costs of veterinary care, training and dog nutrition, as well as pictures of children suffering from dog bites and photos of dogs that were run over by speeding cars.
• Citizens buying eyeglasses will be forced to watch a film of people poking themselves in the eye with the glasses' stem.
• Before buying cigarettes, customers must be shown pictures of an old guy walking around with a portable oxygen tank on wheels, outfitted with an ashtray.
• Anyone applying for a permit to buy a lawn mower (yep, that’s next) will have to watch at least 15 minutes of film of lawn mowers exploding and burning, as well as of people who accidentally cut off a hand, finger, toe, or foot.
• All liquor store customers must see a display of photos of drunks throwing up in their front yards, and watch a 30-minute montage of violent car crashes.
• And finally, patients having a colonoscopy must take a close look at photos of a variety of assholes, starting with, say, Charlie Sheen, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, and Senate Majority Leader Skip Stam.
Speaking of...
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