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Thursday, July 14, 2011
Dating and Mating Warning: A foot rub may cause you to get pregnant
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jul 14, 2011 at 1:41 PM
Getting a foot rub is perhaps the greatest organic aphrodisiac. I pay people to do reflexology just so I can get a foot rub.
I was actually getting reflexology the other day at Massage Envy in Huntersville when I asked her to massage my ovaries via the nerve ending in my feet, to offset the inevitable incoming period cramps. She said she had to be careful around my feet because certain trigger points on your feet can make you fertile.
I yanked my feet away dramatically.
"How in the hell can you make me get pregnant by rubbing my feet?" I asked her frightened, and curious.
Turns out there is an actual fertility massage.
"That's OK ... scratch that. How about a lower back and glute massage instead?" I would rather endure the most painful of massage treatments rather than increase my chances of getting pregnant. But that's just me. There are a lot of women who, unlike me, are good candidates for reproducing, and are trying to.
So they should call Julie Snow at Massage Envy Huntersville.
She uses accu-pressure points like reflexology on your ovaries around the ankle bones and fallopian tubes around the top surface of the foot. "Massaging those stimulates those organs and their functions," Julie educated me. "It helps women ovulate."
She also uses primrose oil on the feet and a Castrol oil pack on the stomach and pelvic bones that "get the ovaries working harder," as she put it.
Based on success rate of her clients, two to three sessions will knock you up. She's like the baby-making witch doctor — she’s been practicing and knocking people up for 14 years.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Happy Hump Day A horror story: The first time I ever saw a penis
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jul 13, 2011 at 10:27 AM
It was my 13th birthday party.
My mom got two connecting hotel rooms at my hometown’s five star equivalent, The Sheraton. One for me and my friends to have a slumber party, the other for her to act as chaperone. A chaperone who went to bed right after cake and ice cream. So we put on our PJs and pretended that the slumber portion of the party was commencing.
I just officially became a teenager, so naturally my friends and I snuck out of the hotel room and went running around the hotel, chasing each other through the halls and up and down the elevator and into the closed indoor pool to get into the hot tub in our training bras.
We heard something outside the giant sunroom the pool was in. We assumed it was a hotel employee who would catch us and rat us out to my mom. So we jumped out, got dressed, and ran into the first floor hallway. When we got into the hallway we slowed down, so we could tiptoe back into our room.
That’s when we heard someone knock on the door at the end of the hallway located in the back corner side of the hotel. That back door of a hotel that remains locked and requires a room key to enter.
Said door was no more than 15 feet from the door to our room.
As we inched closer to our room, we got a better view of the door, and noticed a guy standing there without his shirt on. Note, my birthday is in January, and I grew up in the mountains, where there’s a ski resort. It was below freezing outside and the door was even steamed over from the freezing winter air.
My first thought was that he must be homeless and freezing, which made me want to let him in. As I inched closer to the door my friends grabbed me, knowing my tendency to pick up stray animals, including humans.
“Don’t let him in, Britt. Pretty sure we’re still not allowed to talk to strangers,” my friend Jillian advised me.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Shit Brittney Says Sh!t Brittney Says, takes the comedy stage
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jul 11, 2011 at 10:37 AM
My friends and I keep a quote book to document the funny things we say, and the random shit that comes out of my unfiltered mouth. So here's a glimpse into my private quote book in regards to my conversations about mating and dating, and another installment of Sh!t Brittney says:
On the surprising Daytona NASCAR wins: "The Daytona race is as unpredictable as my period."
Dating advice to my 15-year-old nephew: "Try not to date girls who are dramatic on Facebook and don't keep their vagina in their dress. And keep your penis in your pocket until you're in a serious relationship. Nice talk."
"Screw the cow and the free milk — I'm lactose intolerant, more like, why buy the bull when you can get the shit for free?"
Friend: "Brittney lives on BST: Brittney Standard Time. She is going to be late to her own wedding."
Me: "That is if I even show up. I may even wear tennis shoes under my dress."
And, on doing laundry: "Separating whites and colors ... it just feels kinda racist."
You can witness my random ramblings first hand, live at The Comedy Zone that just opened in the NC Music Factory as I'm opening up for Jon Reep Wednesday, July 13 and Thursday, July 14. Come and laugh at my jokes, please, so someone will. If all else fails, you can laugh at me. Buy tickets here.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sex and the Queen City / Don't Quote Me A trending wedding
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 9:00 AM
Speaking of texting and twatting during weddings, last week on Twitter I kept seeing “#vothwedding” trending. My first thought was, that a-hole (Charlotte WSOC sportscaster Bill Voth) didn’t invite me to his wedding. My second thought was, good cause I already have five weddings to attend this summer so that saves me money. And my third was, Is his wedding really trending on Twitter?
Sure enough, it was.
So I asked my tweep, @billvoth, how he got his wedding to be a trending topic.
BILL: Well, it wasn't really anything we did. Mike Solarte (@MikeSolarte), a sports broadcasting colleague of mine, got the ball rolling the morning of the wedding. He figured it would be something we'd enjoy. People then caught onto the hashtag and it kind of took off. It certainly helped that Gretchen and I are both social media dorks, but we weren't all that aware of what was going on. Neither of us did a lot of tweeting that day, which was hard for us. But that wasn’t a day to have the phone attached to the hip.
And I asked his trendy bride, @gretchenvoth: Every little girl dreams of their wedding day. But I imagine you never dreamt that you would be a trending topic on Twitter that day?
GRETCHEN: We never in our wildest dreams imagined we’d have such a talked-about wedding. I think it’s safe to say that making #vothwedding trend locally was one of the most unique gifts our friends and family could have given us.
So even though they didn’t invite me to their wedding, cheers to the #vothwedding.
And even though you won’t see #wedding trending for me anytime soon, you can follow me for fun. 'Cause I’m a twit: @brittneycason.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Random.com I hope they have good cell reception in hell
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jul 6, 2011 at 9:00 AM
Last weekend my sister busted me for texting during my cousin's wedding. What? It was an hour long Catholic mass ceremony. I was bored.
Who does this? ...
Apparently I do. I was actually tweeting, e-mailing, Facebook'ing, and playing Brick Breaker as well. I'm such an @$$hole! I hope they have good cell reception in hell.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
He Said / She Said MENstration
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Jul 5, 2011 at 9:00 AM
Do men get periods too?
Maybe that can explain why there's a "men" in MENstration, MENstrual cycle, and MENopause ... or why guys can get so bitchy sometimes.
I've witnessed many of the men in my life get sensitive over the smallest comments, get pissy over the smallest things, get cranky, throw temper tantrums like toddlers, have mood swings, and act jealous. Just like they complain about women doing.
"Are you on your period or something?" they ask whenever we're less than happy ... but sometimes I wonder that about men. What's their excuse?
Once a month or so my ex-boyfriend would act like such a dick (or as though he didn't have one, rather) that I would offer him my tampons. And like women do, we even got on the same cycle — which made for mutual interest in ice cream runs at least.
It's actually a scientific fact that men have cycles in addition to women, or a researched one with findings at least, and I found some for you.
Jed Diamond, author of The Irritable Male, states that males experience hormonal shifts and imbalances during the month. A rise of testosterone, which can lead to moodiness, increased sexual arousal, depression, etc., is what they call the Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS). IMS can be defined as a state of hypersensitivity, frustration, anxiety and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.
So there you have it, men have MENstrual cycles too. Period.
What I really don't understand about periods is the name of it. Periods come at the end of the sentence, making it conclusive and final. But you know the flow is going to come again next month, so why don't they call it a comma?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Dating and Mating Dad or date?
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jun 29, 2011 at 2:19 PM
Considering my life is like one long Saturday Night Live skit, I figured I would at least make a profit from it. I'm currently in Chicago performing at The Second City. And while I am here fantasizing about being Tina Fey's protege and playing improv games, I find myself playing a different game while out in Chicago's "Viagra Triangle," a sector of nightlife coined for its old money and old men. The new game we invented: "Dad or Date?"
How do you play? Simple. You observe all the silver-haired men fine dining and wining hot young girls, and then try to determine the dynamic of the relationship. Are they having a father-daughter dinner, or is he just trying to be her big daddy. Father's Day was a few weeks ago ... just saying.
But while these young ladies are someone's daughter, when they're calling these male cougars "daddy" or "pappi," it's probably not in the same context.
If only these men would put a little less energy into dating girls their daughters' age, and more into being better fathers, then there would far fewer women with daddy complexes, dating men 20 years their senior, to substitute for the lack of a father figure in their life.
Speaking of dads, another edition of Sh!t My Dad Says, in honor of Father's Day: "As hard as you've tried, you can't ride two horses with one ass Brittney. That's what I want for Father's Day: You to sit your ass down."
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Dating and Mating / Don't Do This 'I was talking to the dog'
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 2:07 PM
Guys, just to clarify, if you're out walking a dog and you hear a girl go, "Hey cutie!" or "Look how cute you are," chances are, she's talking to the dog, not you. Even if you're cute too ... and that it's abnormal that we baby talk to random animals.
As cute and cuddly as dogs are — they make for great snugglers that don't talk back — they are not fishing lures for women.
When I was a freshman at Virginia Tech, this guy would always bring a little puppy through the girls hall in the dorms so it would run into their rooms. This was a technique for kidnapping women's attention. Again, we like the dog, not you. And we feel bad for it — a dog is not a prop.
Actually, men are more like cats and women are like dogs, if you think about it. To be continued.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Dating and Mating / Don't Quote Me A fetish for geeks
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 11:11 AM
My favorite author, Alexandra Robbins' new book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth got me thinking.
I was that girl in high school, the freshman sitting with the seniors, the homecoming and prom court popular cheerleader. I was famous in a small town — for acting.
You see, I was never really the cool girl I pretended to be. I have spent my whole life a closet geek, trapped in the class clown/cheerleader body.
I would win an award for some state academic competition, then maintain my cool, non-geek status by cutting the power in the cafeteria and starting a food fight. I spent so much of my energy masking my geeky tendencies trying to stay popular, I lost sight of what really made me cool ... being myself.
Put a geek in a cheerleading uniform and she's just a geek in a short skirt. Well, I’m tired of hiding. I am letting my geek flag fly.
For starters, I have an electronic dictionary-thesarus on my nightstand to define any words I come across in my books that I don’t know. I. Am. A. Geek. There, I am out of the closet.
Alexandra Robbin's "Quirk Theory" mentioned with the book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth states that many of the differences that cause a student to be excluded in school are the same traits or real-world skills that others will value, love, respect, or find compelling about that person in adult-hood.
Had I embraced my true quirky, nonconformist self in high school, rather than changing who I was to appeal to others and confirm to society's standards, I'd be a lot more successful and happier now. And bad habits die hard because I still find myself doing that shit.
But why was I really popular?
It wasn't because I was "cool" — it was because I was nice to everyone. I fit in with every clique. I didn't have to change myself to do that either. I just accepted everyone for who they were. The "in crowd," the art freaks, the skaters, the thugs, and especially the geeks. In fact, I even had a secret fetish for them, even in high school.
"Timmy" (name changed to protect the innocent) was hands down the biggest underclassman dork in school. One day he somehow managed to knock over the entire stack of returned dirty trays in the cafeteria, making a sound so loud it demanded the entire cafeteria's attention. Everyone was startled, and then when they saw him standing there covered in people's dirty food with trays spattered all about, everyone started laughing at him. I got up from the cool, senior table, and started helping him pick up the trays, and his dignity. I shot out a look that said bully him and I will bully you, and people shut up. It was at that moment that I realized the power of popularity and wondered why people don't use it for good in exchange for the special treatment. I also thought that high SAT scores and love of the arts are sexy, and found myself developing a little crush on the baby-faced, trombone-case carrying, tube sock wearing geek. So I decided to seduce him.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sex and the Queen City No really, she's not into you
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 8:27 AM
You've read the book or seen the movie, He's Just Not Into You (or at least heard of it). But what about the guy version? Guys deserve a translator for the foreign language that is women to them.
Just like I did the guy who thinks my Facebook is a Dear Abby website, I’m going to give you guys some more clues to help you determine whether she's into you, or not — so you can save your time, energy, and money.
1. If she applies no maintenance or make-up when she sees you, then she’s probably not that into you. Even the biggest tomboy will take a little more time on her hair and wardrobe when she knows she’s going to see a guy she likes. Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on is what we do with our friends or long-term live-in boyfriends.
2. If she gets mad at you for slapping her butt, then she’s probably not that into you. If she shoots down any sort of physical advances, you have been sequestered to friend zone limbo.
3. If she doesn’t text you back right away, if at all, then she’s probably not that into you. Girls usually have their phones attached to their hip — we are aware when it vibrates, and we’re communicative punctual beings. If all you get are untimely, close-ended texts, you’re not in the forefront of our minds, or phones.
4. If she always makes excuses as to why she can’t hang out, then she’s probably not that into you. “I have to work." “It’s a girls' night.” “I’m tired.” "I have to wash my hair." If a girl wants to see you, she will find the time. And will be more willing to work around your schedule, rather than only see you when it's convenient for her and she has nothing else to do.
5. If you’re not the center of her attention, then she’s probably not that into you. If you're out and she’s talking to Joe Schmo and Wendy Whatsherface more than you, you’re just another face in the crowd. If we like you, we would go so far as to fight for your attention.
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A horror story: The first time I ever saw a penis 4
Encounters of the third kind, and the first encounter with a penis.
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Brittney Cason is getting married 3
Brittney Cason signs on to co-host Kiss 95.1's new morning show.
