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Thursday, June 23, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind She's just not that into you, dude
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 8:27 AM
For some reason, I get a lot of e-mails asking me to hang out — via Facebook from guys with profile pictures of themselves standing shirtless in a mirror with their face washed out from the reflection of their own camera flash. Which I've never understood because it's Facebook, not Match.com, and I don't have the "interested in dating" checkmark checked. But apparently I do have "Dear Abby" written across my profile because I also get a lot of e-mails from guys asking me for advice about their love life. Which leads to this week's "Blind Leading the Blind" letter.
Dude:
I'm a very sweet guy and I just took out the most beautiful woman in the world, but she doesn't wanna date me or anyone for a while. So my question is, how can I be sweet and show her what type of guy I am without pushing her away or getting stuck as just a friend?
Me:
Well why doesn't she want to date anyone? What's her EXCUSE for that?
Dude:
She says that every time she's in a relationship, she forgets who she is and I can kinda understand that. So she wants to take some time and get to know herself, and I have to respect that or I'll seem like I'm trying to rush things. I just usually always get stuck as just a friend no matter how hard I try! Thanks Ms. Cason for any help and advice
Me:
You do nothing. You save your time and escort yourself right on over to the friend zone and make yourself comfortable there, because she's not into you. Women tend to make up excuses not to hurt nice guy's feelings. My go-to excuse is, "I'm too busy" to date, but if I really wanted to date someone, I would find the time. There is nothing wrong with venturing into the friend zone as every woman wants her man to be her friend first and foremost. But if we wanted you as more (as in physically) you wouldn't have to question it. We're just as horny as you are, and we're in charge of making the executive decision as to whether you get laid or not. If this chick says she doesn't want to date anyone, that's just code for "I don't want to date you" ... so go let her date an asshole and you go find yourself a nice girl! And as soon as you do that, she'll miss the attention you've been giving her and you'll look all shiny and new to her, and perhaps a little less like a friend. Trust me. Try it out, just for fun.
Monday, June 20, 2011
She Said / Sex and the Queen City The two kinds of women in this world
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jun 20, 2011 at 12:02 PM
In third grade, I met this girl Shannon, and we found ourselves liking the same guy, Andrew. So we went about it by drawing ugly, taunting pictures of each other and hanging them up in the hallway at school. But even at the maturity level of third graders, we decided that no guy is worth fighting with another girl over, and we have been best friends since.
Then there was this other girl who grew up down the street from me. Every time I told her I liked a guy, she decided she liked him too. She would actively pursue him, and ultimately make out with him to get him to like her instead of me.
And ever since, I’ve only met girls like that throughout my life — my friends like Shannon and the frenemies like the slut next door.
Because I’ve learned there are two types of women in this world — those who know the boundaries when it comes to other women’s men, and those who cross them. Your teammates in life vs. your competitors.
So why do your “friends” try to keep you from winning? So they don’t feel like the losers they are, that’s why.
Because they’re so insecure they need to prove to themselves that they can get all the guys, including yours. By pushing you down, they feel higher up. But friendship is not a competitive sport: a true friend will celebrate your wins with you, not try to deflate you in order to inflate their ego.
We’ve all found ourselves in a classic case of the fake people. But if someone stabs you in the back, well then, that means that they’re behind you.
Don’t turn around, don’t let them slow you down or pull you back to their level. Just shrug them off and keep it moving. I know it's hard to keep the wounds from cutting, though. A danger of being a nice person is I am often too nice to mean people — those playing the role of my friend so they can steal my stage and/or my boy.
As many stab wounds as I have in my back, I’ve struggled with how to remain an open-armed caring person vs. becoming a cold and cynical person skeptical of everyone. But I realized that every person who has betrayed me gave me the same feeling. And now whenever my gut is telling me not to let a person into my circle of trust, I am going to listen. And keep it moving.
There is a strict girls code. If your friend likes a guy, he is off limits. Period. End of story. Just like guys put “bros before hos,” why don’t we put chicks before dicks?
These petty vagina wars are a field day for the guys. Do you not think they see these competitive games women play with each other? Of course they do, and they see it as an opportunity to play us and win. But did you ever stop to think that if a guy sees a girl not being loyal to a friend, he’s going to rightfully assume she's not a loyal person, and just play her. Then she's stuck with no girls, or boys in her life.
In the end, those who step out of bounds always lose.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Single-Taken-It's Complicated Bachelorette party or awkward family photo?
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Jun 17, 2011 at 9:05 AM
Seeing as how I'm on summer vacation, I'm going to actually not work, and by work I mean write a blog. Sorry! Technically it's a bachelorette party, but I have so many to attend each summer, I just write them off as what I get to constitute as summer vacation. It's my favorite thing about my friends getting married, as they result in vacations with the girls.
For our last bachelorette party over Memorial Day weekend, we had an ugly bridesmaid dress —slash— 80s prom. See:
No, I did not steal that from awkwardfamilyphotos.com — that is my real awkward family photo. Because that's what those girls are, my family. And every time one of them gets married, I get another brother and the family gets bigger. I'll hand it to them — they've known me my entire life, know everything about me, and still like me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Single-Taken-It's Complicated Match made in payback
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jun 16, 2011 at 4:05 PM
Remember when my intern signed me up for Match.com ... and then proceeded to browse online dates for me, finding me a "Situation" and a guy like Alan from Hangover. Well, payback is a bitch. Recently single, I gave Jordan a work assignment to fill out her own little dating questionnaire, just like she did for me on Match. With this one being a little less conventional.
But what she doesn't know is that I had her make it so I could post it on here and pimp her out.
Then, I'm going to make her go out with every guy who responds to this classified ad. (Except the ones that seem like they might be serial killers.)
Send all inquiries to brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com.
Now it's my turn to play matchmaker and pay her back. The favor that is — *wink.*
So everybody, meet Jordan ... my single intern.
And find her dating profile below. Muahahahaha.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Sex and the Queen City / Don't Do This Misadventures in Skyping
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jun 15, 2011 at 11:13 AM
My good friend Shana and I were getting our nails done, gossiping about our latest dating ventures, while the nail techs gossiped in another language. Likely making fun of Shana and I — we were referring to our nails as "claws," because, after all, we just might be becoming cougars.
Remember when I told you it was raining men? Well, for a couple of 30-year-olds like us, it's raining 20-somethings.
Shana was juggling two 23-year-olds, one of whom she had a Skype date with that night before we had a home-cooked dinner. After she “hung up” (or shut the computer screen down), she shouted to me in the kitchen. “I’m so torn between my two 23-year-olds!”
"We must be cougars in heat 'cause it really is raining men," I replied. "Hallelujah!" I shouted like I was leading the gospel choir.
We proceeded to start dancing around the kitchen, singing, Hallelujah, it's raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! for a good minute or so until we heard:
“Shana! … Shana! … SHANNNNAAAAAAA!”
She covered my mouth and pulled me down to duck behind the kitchen island.
“Did you hear that?” she asked.
Then her phone, sitting next to her computer, started ringing. She crawled across the carpet to the couch like a sniper crawling through the woods.
It was there that she noticed that her iPod cord had kept her computer from closing entirely. The lovesick puppy had heard everything. She yanked the cord out so her laptop top could shut and ducked back down behind the couch cushions.
And then her phone rang again. And again. And again.
I just looked at her. "Welp, that solves that problem"[her being torn between two 23-year-olds, that is] … “and maybe this is probably why we’re attracting 20-somethings.”
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dating and Mating The maintenance of monogamy
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Jun 14, 2011 at 3:32 PM
I have a confession to make.
I used to cheat in high school.
I was struggling in Geometry, so I stole the answer key for the textbook quizzes, then made copies of them and sold them to my classmates. It wasn't the most ethical thing, I know, but I knew I'd never use Geometry in my real life, so I focused on my entrepreneurial skills instead.
I also cheated on my high school boyfriend.
I got an A in geometry, but I failed that test of life.
It took me as long to garner forgiveness as it did to figure out why I even did it. But I did figure out right away that I never want to betray someone ever again. I wrote my cheating off like an underage juvenile offense — because everything before 18 doesn’t count and gets scratched off your record, right? Except when it comes to karma. And I've accepted the karma of being cheated on in my future relationships. I threw a boomerang, and it came back around.
So why do we cheat?
If you're always wondering what's on the other side of door No. 2, then why even close the door and be in a relationship? It's not fair to lock someone in while you're off wandering through the neighbor's greener grass … or Suite or Butter.
I have come to the conclusion that I cheated because I wanted to resurrect that nervous excitement you feel in the beginning of a romance, the one that has a tendency of wearing off after you get comfortable in a relationship. And rather than being honest and addressing this to my boyfriend in fear of losing his security, I went behind his back to fill the void he couldn't. I wanted to have my cake and chocolate frosting. But those weren't butterflies, I was just hungry for something more. But once that "Za-Za-Zu" wears off, which does faster than alcohol, you're stuck with the "Za-Za-Eww" — a guilty conscious, bad karma, and a broken heart you're responsible for.
So before you go crawl into someone else's bed, remember that when you make that bed, you'll have to lie in it, alone.
Since when did monogamy become something you have to continually work on in a relationship to maintain it?
Monday, June 13, 2011
Don't Do This Taking a bite out of bad pick-up lines
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 12:58 PM
There are better ways of going about getting a woman's attention ... than just walking up and biting her in the shoulder, then as she screams in pain say, "You smell good and look yummy." Such as the guy who did that to me the other night while I was minding my business talking to my girlfriends at the dive Tropicana.
What do I look like, a stack of pancakes?
I felt like slapping Jack, but I didn't. I just swatted my finger in front of his face and said, "No" like he was a dog. He did just bite me after all. Should I maybe get a rabies shot?
What. The. F%$#?
Has the vampire craze in Hollywood got guys acting like vampires? Or do they really exist? Because now I've developed a slight fear of them and have looked into garlic accessories.
What's even weirder about this is the fact this isn't the first time this has happened to me. That said, I feel the need to say that this is not the best way to pick up women. In fact, it may be the worst. Right in front bragging about how much money you have. Both equally annoying.
Make your mark in a better way than leaving teeth marks.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dating and Mating / Blind Leading the Blind Unpack those bags!
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 2:44 PM
Baggage. We all have it.
And the older we get, the more baggage we accumulate. Ex-wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, emotional scars, resentments, debt, alimony payments, real estate, reputation, etc. etc. Basically anything in your past life that you still carry around with you. (Kids do not count as baggage, for the record. They're more of a positive thing, like a package deal.) Baggage is the crap that is weighing you down and keeping you from getting to where you want to go, and in turn, making you appear like a hoarder, and a lot less appealing to future travel partners.
Take a load off why don't you.
Don't journey into a new relationship carrying all your souvenirs and remnants of failed relationships past.
Don't be a hoarder. Throw out your junk so you can make room in your suitcase for new things. Heal wounds and throw out resentment. And show your next travel partner what's in your suitcase — so they can decide if they want to help you carry that baggage or not.
Think of it this way. When you start dating someone, it's like going on a honeymoon. The two of you sail off into your own little world where you get to know one another. If you're carrying around baggage from your past relationships, you'll max out your luggage allowance and not have room to pack new memories.
Perhaps relationships should be like airlines and start charging a checked luggage fee. Pack lightly so everything fits into a carry-on.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Dating and Mating / Don't Do This Artificial Sweetener Daddies
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Jun 9, 2011 at 3:42 PM
Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on date, boy pays for first date: That's the typical evolution of a new relationship. But in some cases I've seen, boy starts paying for a lot more than the wining and dining, and this new relationship starts to evolve into a business deal instead.
I know a girl who has a new overpriced designer purse (that is just as functional as my little Target bag, but that's neither here nor there) every time I see her. She also always has her hair freshly done from a salon, a spray tan, a new expensive outfit, and her nails done. And she all of a sudden traded up her 2003 Honda for a brand-new BMW.
Did I mention she's a student and bartender? So what gives? ... she found a new boyfriend, that's what gives. Literally.
A boyfriend who always wants her to look her best, so thus spoils her with the means to so she can, for him. But the kicker is, he shows no real interest in taking their relationship any further. He gives her gifts, and she gives him her gift. The golden booty barter.
"Isn't that just legalized prostitution?" my non-filtered mouth blurted out.
She got defensive, claiming they're in love, but this guy is rarely around, and when she does see him, he just comes over to her place and uses her like a pre-paid booty call. She's never met his friends, and aside from the evidence of material things, he's like an imaginary boyfriend to her friends.
... I wouldn't exactly call that a meaningful relationship.
But I don't carry a gavel to work, so who am I to judge? All I know is that material things or monetary goods given for the exchange of sex is, in fact, prostitution.
She may not realize it, but she has herself a Sugar Daddy. Or as I like to call them, an Artificial Sweetener Daddy.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy Hump Day Wear protection: Like finger condoms
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Jun 8, 2011 at 2:34 PM
Last weekend when I went out on Lake Norman, I garnered a new nickname: Captain Safety.
That's because I spent the entire day with a dolphin-shaped floatation device around my waist, a Steeplechase sized hat, and enough SPF to keep an Albino white — and then proceeded to go around and tell everyone to wear protection.
You can never be too careful in the sun ... or in the bedroom. Going into both unprotected can leave you with a burning sensation.
When I was at Whisky River the other night, the bartender, Marky Mark, noticed my Sponge Bob Square Pants band-aid covering my pinky when I reached out to grab my "Slutty Shirley Temple " from him.
So, being the good bartender he is, he reached into his pocket and handed me this ...
A finger condom.
Apparently these are used to cover small wounds on the hands to keep the band-aid in place and protect the wound, keeping it sanitary. And to prevent you from contaminating everything you touch. You can get them at drug stores. What's a better look — wearing a mini condom on your pinky or a little kids band-aid?
I got really excited about these finger condoms. Now my ex can get condoms that fit him .... kidding.
