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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

U-Turn: Police were interviewing a larceny suspect in the street last week when a black Saturn nearly collided with their patrol vehicle, skidding 20 feet to a stop in front of it. As an officer approached the passenger side, he witnessed the passenger stuffing something in the glove box and attempting to hide his open can of Budweiser on the floorboard. When he was told to step out of the vehicle, he began cursing and yelling at officers and was placed in handcuffs. A search of the glove box turned up five grams of weed. The suspect told officers he shouldn't be charged with anything because it wasn't his car. Yeah, because it's OK to kill people as long as you're in someone else's house and steal things from stores you do not own.

Planning Ahead: An officer pulled over a car for speeding last week, and he smelled a "moderate odor of marijuana" coming from the car as he approached it. The driver told officers that he didn't have a license but was planning on getting one very soon. (That's actually what I told Creative Loafing about my college degree.) Marijuana was found in the car and the passenger confessed that it was his. Apparently he was under the same impression as the idiot in the black Saturn.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: A 24-year-old man filed a police report after being "assaulted" by another man while at J.T. Williams Middle School. The victim told officers that the suspect assaulted him by "causing imminent fear of being punched" while they were at the school last week. I walk around with an imminent fear of being punched every Tuesday when a new Blotter comes out.

This Bud's For You: A 34-year-old woman called police after an act of road rage left her car damaged. She told officers that she honked at a car that almost hit her BMW, and when she pulled up at a red light, one of the passengers threw a can of beer at her vehicle. The can hit the hood and scratched it. Another passenger got out of the car to approach her, but the light turned green and she sped away.

Ball and Chain: An employee of Monitech, the company that installs breathalyzers in the cars of people who have been convicted of DUIs, filed a police report last week after realizing that a man had intentionally damaged the monitoring device in his vehicle in between checkups. He stated that it was getting in the way of his favorite hobby: throwing beer cans at BMWs.

Leading Role: A 47-year-old man called police after he realized he had been swindled by an associate. He told officers that the suspect had presented him with a proposal to invest in a stage play that he was putting together last August. The victim met the man the next day in a coffee shop with $10,000 in cash. The suspect promised a full return with a 55-percent bonus. The man hasn't heard from the stage producer since. Who says there isn't money in theater?

Wrong Tree: Police responded to a fight at Black Finn Saloon last week and found a large group of unruly bar-goers in the walkway of the restaurant. One officer gave commands to a specific man to step back, but he kept encroaching on the officers. The officer pushed the man away and turned to address another subject when the man he pushed punched him in the face twice. The man was immediately arrested but continued to berate the officers after he was handcuffed, yelling to bystanders in a failed attempt to incite violence against the police. Apparently the crowd was full of people with slightly higher IQs than the suspect.

Threat of the Week: A 40-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a neighbor via a third party. The suspect told one of her neighbors to tell the suspect, "I'm going to slap her the next time I see her because she is being a nosy neighbor!" I don't know why you need all the go-betweens; don't you have Dixie cups and string?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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