Cheaters Dot Com 

You’ve cheated on your spouse, right? You may even be carrying on an affair right now. If you haven’t strayed, odds are you will. It’ll probably happen when you’re in your late 30s or early 40s, after the honeymoon phase has ended, and the responsibilities of kids and bills have replaced the romance and excitement. No way, not me, you say? Well, that’s what everyone says. No one gets married thinking that one day they’ll start looking elsewhere for a little extracurricular roll in the hay — but people are doing it, and with greater frequency than ever before. Sure, you may still love your spouse, but after so many years of marriage, thing have gotten a little, well . . .predictable.

Perhaps you'll take that office flirtation a little further. Maybe you'll put the moves on that sexy bartender you've had your eye on, the one who could care less about diapers or mortgage payments, but just wants to have fun. Or, more likely, you'll join the millions of others who are turning to the Internet, where you'll find a growing number of on-line services like Adult FriendFinder, Ashley Madison Agency, and Philanderers.com, all sites designed for married people who are looking to have an extramarital tryst.

"It's the new infidelity," says Dan Morgenstern, founder and director of the Ashley Madison Agency, a site for people "seeking love and romance from other romance-seekers outside their primary relationship." Since Morgenstern launched Ashley Madison in early 2002, nearly 300,000 people have signed up -- including many Charlotteans -- indicating there's no shortage of people willing to cheat on their spouse, especially given the anonymity of the Internet.

Marriage is still one of our most powerful, cherished and long-lasting institutions, of course, but there's no denying that people's attitudes toward it are changing -- just look at the ever-climbing rate of extramarital affairs. While estimates vary on the number of people who are cheating on their significant other, noted expert Peggy Vaughan, a psychological consultant and author of The Monogamy Myth, says that at least 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair.

So, is this yet another example of our culture's continuing moral decline, or, as some believe, is it simply men and women doing what comes naturally?

All Kinds of Freaks
He's bald, overweight and slovenly. He would never warrant so much as a second glance from most women, and he knows it.

"I am not a well built specimen, nor am I well endowed," says "Ycat," his on-line moniker. "But I have two ears that know how to listen, two shoulders that know how to support, and two arms that know how to hold and comfort." He also has a wife and two kids, but that hasn't stopped him from actively pursuing other women for years via websites like Ashley Madison and Adult FriendFinder. "I enjoy intimacy three or four times a week, whereas my wife only desires it once a month or less," says Ycat, in explaining what prompted him to join these sites.

Similar to regular dating sites, on-line resources like Ashley Madison ask members to create a profile, including information like interests, physical appearance, and preferences. Members can also explore other members' profiles, send e-mails to those who strike their fancy, and exchange more personal information, including pictures.

Ycat, who is in his early 40s and lives just south of Charlotte, says that after establishing an on-line rapport with a woman, they typically meet at a public place, like a grocery store parking lot or library. If things go well, they schedule a second date, where they usually take things to the next level.

"Some try to hide their physical appearance, such as their weight, but I always ask them to be honest," Ycat explains. "I'm no Adonis, but once they get to know me online, that usually gets them beyond my looks. Besides, in these types of relationships looks don't really matter. It's about taking care of each other's needs."

Ycat says he's had sexual encounters with nearly 40 women he's met on-line, ranging in age from early 20s to late 40s. They've included a woman who was nine months pregnant, one who wanted to have sex while her husband watched (while bound and tied up), and one who wanted to be led around on a dog collar. "There's all kind of freaks out there, and I'm always looking," he says with an unsettling boastfulness. "The biggest thing with these women -- even though they're married -- is that they're lonely. They say they want honesty, but they don't. They want the fantasy. They don't want to hear about how my day at work went. They've got a husband for that."

Despite his on-line shenanigans, Ycat says he loves his wife and would never consider getting a divorce. "As hard as it may be to believe this, my wife and marriage come first with me," he says. However, their 20-year marriage is far from conventional. Ycat says that over the years, both he and his wife have "dabbled" in various sexual games, including him receiving sexual favors from his wife's cousin. Nonetheless, he says he makes sure his on-line relationships remain casual and short-term, lest someone develop "feelings."

"This is just a little escape for me, just like others might go to a movie or sporting event," he says. "It's a fantasy world completely separate from the real one."

Is Anybody Out There?
If it's a fantasy world, a growing number of people are opting to take up residence there, at least temporarily. But why? Social scientists continue to advance theories such as "evolutionary psychology," which posit that because men produce such a great amount of sperm, as a species it's to their genetic advantage to procreate with as many women as possible. (Although it's doubtful too many women will buy the "I can't help it, honey, it's genetic" excuse). Bernard Starr, co-author of Stalemates: The Truth About Extramarital Affairs, champions a more contemporary theory, which says that the Industrial Revolution gave infidelity a big boost by moving men's work world away from the isolated confines of farms to the more populated, and more anonymous, cities. A similar cultural shift happened decades later as more women started leaving the home to go work in an office. In fact, nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home today compared to about 40 percent in 1964. Not only do women have far more opportunities to cheat -- simply in terms of their proximity to a greater number of men -- but a newfound economic independence makes them less reliant on a husband. And now, with the advent of a growing "virtual" community of cheaters, both sexes have more opportunities to stray.

"Americans are very much ideologically against cheating, but they indulge in it all the time," says UNC-Charlotte sociology professor Judy Aulette. "All the research shows that while we say infidelity is very bad, when you ask people if they've been unfaithful, many of them say yes."

And sitting ringside to all this cheating is Morgenstern of Ashley Madison, who believes that our proclivity for cheating hasn't changed, just our attitudes. "We're not as hypocritical about it as we once were," he says. "Society is just a reflection of our true nature, and cheating is just one small aspect of that. As a people we should be willing to accept a distasteful truth not matter how distasteful of a truth it is."

Just a few short years ago Morgenstern was doing research on starting an Internet business, and discovered that on-line dating services were some of the most profitable ventures on the net (revenue for online dating exceeded $313 million last year, according to Jupiter Research). He also read reports that about one-third of the people who sign up for singles dating services are actually attached, but portray themselves as single.

"Not only were they cheating on their spouse, but they were potentially misleading the people they were going to meet," Morgenstern says. "My feeling was if you give these people an on-line dating service where they can be up-front about their circumstances and guarantee their privacy, they would be willing to pay a premium for this kind of boutique service."

The unrivaled giant in the infidelity on-line market is AdultFriendFinder, created in 1996 by Andrew Conru "to create a one-stop solution for seeking, finding, and managing all types of online relationships," as the company's mantra goes. With over 20 million registered users, the FriendFinder Network has over 15 web communities, ranging from those that target Jewish people, seniors, and gays. But it also has a legion of members involved in "casual dating lifestyles," where extended profile questions and interactive workshops help those looking for some extramarital fun find each other.

"Carla," 38, married for seven years (her second) with a five-year-old son, joined AdultFriendFinder a little over six months ago. "My marriage is very unfulfilling and I needed some excitement," she explains. "We've tried to work things out, but we have very different goals in life and I'm just not attracted to him. Our sex life is non-existent."

Like most on-line dating sites, women rule, and soon after Carla posted her profile she was inundated with responses, although most were far from her idea of a good catch. "Some sounded really desperate," she says. "The world's full of weirdos, and you have to be very careful and selective."

While it's no big surprise that the guys on these sites are looking for sex -- whether it's phone, cyber or in a hotel room -- Carla says a lot of the married men she's met are simply lonely and looking for a friend. "They'll talk about their marriage and what's wrong with it," she says. "A lot of times I almost want to call their wife up and say "You know what, your old man is telling me some stuff he should be telling you. It could save your marriage.'"

While Carla says she's met more frogs than princes on-line, she eventually clicked with one gentleman she met on AdultFriendFinder, and they rendezvous once a month or so. Still, she says she longs for something more meaningful, longer lasting and, ironically enough, "honest."

"As you get older it's harder to meet people, especially at somewhere like a bar where you always see the same faces and everyone is drinking," she says. "I do believe in true love and many times I thought I had found it, but it always ended in someone's heart being broken, usually mine. After being in two bad marriages, sometimes I think I'm not good at this. But I want to grow old with somebody. I don't want to be alone my whole life."

A Cumbersome Institution
After 10 years of marriage, Doug Mitchell still loved his wife, but there was just something missing. Then he met "Kelly" in a bar, sparks flew, and a torrid affair ensued. While the extramarital affair helped put some excitement and sexual energy back into his life, Mitchell was wracked with guilt. Looking to commiserate with others about what he was going through, he started a little one-page website explaining his situation and asking for advice. Responses from other like-minded folks poured in, and Mitchell eventually turned his site into Philanderers.com. Since its inception in 1998, Philanderers.com has had over 30,000 members.

"I think marriage is still the institution that creates the fabric of our society, but the reality of it is that the constraints that are expected in a union like that tend to become cumbersome when you consider how much is out there," Mitchell says. "There are people in this world who blunder along, blindly thinking everything is fine when in fact their spouse is screaming for attention and just not getting it. Maybe other aspects of the marriage are fine -- they have a nice house, a nice circle of friends -- but something is missing."

That certainly seems to be the case with most of the people interviewed for this story. While they all have their own unique circumstances, there are many similarities as well. You may think they're amoral, they may confirm your worst suspicions about men and women, or their stories may hit a little too close to home.

"Jim," 29, lives in Fayetteville, NC, works as a contractor, and is engaged to be married this spring. However, his fiancee has no idea that he's a member of both AdultFriendFinder and Ashley Madison. "For now, seeing other women is fun and exciting and it makes me feel like I'm much younger," he says. "Plus someone may surprise me and teach me a thing or two that I can bring back to my relationship. But I think I'm doing my last bit of whoring before I tie the knot."

Jim says that over the past several months he's had "discreet encounters" with three different women he's met on-line, all in their mid-30s and "unhappily married." "All three were professional women who wanted more spice in the bedroom that their husbands weren't providing. They all said the same thing: "I love my husband but I need something different.'"

Jim says that with all three women, after an initial on-line contact, they met at a local jazz bar where they could talk and have a drink. On the second meeting they met at a hotel for the rendezvous.

"One in particular had sex on her mind from the first time we said hello at the bar," he says. "This "lady' and I enjoyed a hotel room the same day, and we have met once a week for the past month to unwind."

"Leslie" is 38, lives in the Matthews area and works in the legal profession. She's been married eight years and joined Ashley Madison about three months ago because her "marriage is boring."

"My husband focuses on work and not me," she says. Leslie has met several nice men, most of whom she says are also bored and unfulfilled at home, but are also very cautious because they have a lot at stake. "I'm not sure what I'm looking for but it is definitely not a one-night stand," she says. "I want to be noticed and thought of. I don't feel guilty because I have confronted my husband numerous times about spending more quality time with me and not just focusing on work. I am very lonely."

Finally, "Jerry," a 32-year-old marketing executive, has been married eight years and has two kids. He joined Ashley Madison about six months ago. He says he chats with women on-line for at least a month, and if things click, they usually meet at a local park, then later a hotel. Altogether, Jerry says he's had 18 sexual encounters this way, four of them that have lasted over three months.

Jerry explains that what prompted him to join these sites was that -- write this one down, it's a good one -- he has too much testosterone.

"My testosterone level has only started to decrease in the past year," he says. "It only makes it worse that I've been working out since I was 12 to use up this excess inventory, so women find me physically attractive as well. I'm probably the only person on these sites who is able to satisfy my spouse in addition to the people that I meet online. I'm definitely not planning on cheating once my testosterone goes down to normal levels. It wasn't anything I'd planned on in the first place."

A Dangerous Game
In addition to carrying on affairs, another thing all the people interviewed for this story have in common is that they haven't been discovered. One wonders if they'd still be as carefree and blithe if that were to change. It's significant that 70 percent of the marriages in which a spouse is discovered having an affair ends in divorce. Indeed, what can start as just a lark or idle curiosity can result in destroyed families and ruined lives. A quick perusal of the Internet turned up one site with postings from people who had discovered that their spouse had been using Ashley Madison.

"Ashley Madison damaged my marriage by poisoning my husband with its ideas!" said one posting.

"I have just caught my boyfriend on Ashley Madison . . .profile and all. I am gutted, ripped apart and furious," read another. "Our two years are now gone because of him and this horrible site. I hope the Ashley Madison people burn in hell and I hope my boyfriend joins them."

While these sites are obviously filling a demand, there is no question that having an affair is messy business fraught with pitfalls. Even the folks who run the sites say so.

"I'm of very mixed feelings," says Mitchell of Philanderers.com. "I love my wife and kids and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But still, this (affair) is something I need. It's a very stressful lifestyle, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anybody."

However, when asked if he feels guilty about profiting from infidelity, or that he could be helping people destroy their marriages, Mitchell stresses that women and men have been having affairs since the beginning of time, and that's going to continue whether Philanderers.com exists or not. "The fact that we're profitable is a sure sign that infidelity is alive and well," he says. "I am merely helping women and men navigate through a particularly delicate situation."

Morgenstern of Ashley Madison has a similar "human nature, bottom-line" attitude. "Some people just believe that we, as a species, weren't meant to be monogamous, and they're not toeing the line or buying into a heady lie because it's what expected of them. People who choose to have an affair are going to make expenditures to further their objectives; they might as well spend it with us."

While nearly everyone interviewed for this story explained that they were pursuing and carrying on affairs because there was something missing from their lives, that they needed more, no one -- even the guys bedding dozens of women -- seemed particularly satisfied or content. In fact it seems as if all the forbidden and dangerous sex is being used like so many other diversions and vices, be it drugs, religion or money. We chase, bargain and justify; yet after all that frantic, desperate work, we're still left searching for more.

Contact Sam Boykin at sam.boykin@cln.com.