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Finally, "Jerry," a 32-year-old marketing executive, has been married eight years and has two kids. He joined Ashley Madison about six months ago. He says he chats with women on-line for at least a month, and if things click, they usually meet at a local park, then later a hotel. Altogether, Jerry says he's had 18 sexual encounters this way, four of them that have lasted over three months.
Jerry explains that what prompted him to join these sites was that -- write this one down, it's a good one -- he has too much testosterone.
"My testosterone level has only started to decrease in the past year," he says. "It only makes it worse that I've been working out since I was 12 to use up this excess inventory, so women find me physically attractive as well. I'm probably the only person on these sites who is able to satisfy my spouse in addition to the people that I meet online. I'm definitely not planning on cheating once my testosterone goes down to normal levels. It wasn't anything I'd planned on in the first place."
A Dangerous Game
In addition to carrying on affairs, another thing all the people interviewed for this story have in common is that they haven't been discovered. One wonders if they'd still be as carefree and blithe if that were to change. It's significant that 70 percent of the marriages in which a spouse is discovered having an affair ends in divorce. Indeed, what can start as just a lark or idle curiosity can result in destroyed families and ruined lives. A quick perusal of the Internet turned up one site with postings from people who had discovered that their spouse had been using Ashley Madison.
"Ashley Madison damaged my marriage by poisoning my husband with its ideas!" said one posting.
"I have just caught my boyfriend on Ashley Madison . . .profile and all. I am gutted, ripped apart and furious," read another. "Our two years are now gone because of him and this horrible site. I hope the Ashley Madison people burn in hell and I hope my boyfriend joins them."
While these sites are obviously filling a demand, there is no question that having an affair is messy business fraught with pitfalls. Even the folks who run the sites say so.
"I'm of very mixed feelings," says Mitchell of Philanderers.com. "I love my wife and kids and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But still, this (affair) is something I need. It's a very stressful lifestyle, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anybody."
However, when asked if he feels guilty about profiting from infidelity, or that he could be helping people destroy their marriages, Mitchell stresses that women and men have been having affairs since the beginning of time, and that's going to continue whether Philanderers.com exists or not. "The fact that we're profitable is a sure sign that infidelity is alive and well," he says. "I am merely helping women and men navigate through a particularly delicate situation."
Morgenstern of Ashley Madison has a similar "human nature, bottom-line" attitude. "Some people just believe that we, as a species, weren't meant to be monogamous, and they're not toeing the line or buying into a heady lie because it's what expected of them. People who choose to have an affair are going to make expenditures to further their objectives; they might as well spend it with us."
While nearly everyone interviewed for this story explained that they were pursuing and carrying on affairs because there was something missing from their lives, that they needed more, no one -- even the guys bedding dozens of women -- seemed particularly satisfied or content. In fact it seems as if all the forbidden and dangerous sex is being used like so many other diversions and vices, be it drugs, religion or money. We chase, bargain and justify; yet after all that frantic, desperate work, we're still left searching for more.
Contact Sam Boykin at sam.boykin@cln.com.
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