The Best of The Blotter 2011 

Creative Loafing's annual "Best of The Blotter" issue has hit the streets a little early this year — and that has me thinking about the new way I look at seasons since I started writing this weekly crime column three years ago.

Back in the days of my innocence, I thought of the summer as a time for grilling hot dogs with friends and watching fireworks with the family. But now, I see every social function as an opportunity for the idiots of Charlotte to get creative with their criminal behavior. I've come across too many police reports of teenage kids sending bottle rockets whistling at their neighbor's head, and I've read of more than one occasion when the police have responded to a married couple's house after a hot dog was flung toward someone with malicious intent.

Each season has its ups and downs when it comes to illegal activity. I've never seen any reports of guys pulling out their junk in front of random women and pleasuring themselves on the street in the winter. Most guys know why vagrants choose the warmer seasons for such activity. That said, this year a couple was found making love in the aisles of ImaginOn Children's Library during the cold-weather months ... while the spring brought reports of four men fornicating in the woods of Kilborne Park.

The point is that it doesn't matter if Hurricane Irene has flooded our streets by the time this publication is released or if miniature earthquakes are all we have to worry about — people in the city will still be acting dumb. Whenever you read The Blotter, whether it's Christmas or Labor Day, you're bound to get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. You might want to get that checked out.

Enjoy ...

Girls (and Guys) Behaving Badly

Read It, Beat It: Police were called to the Borders bookstore on Rea Road after a 34-year-old woman was startled to find a man masturbating in a public part of the store. Maybe that's why all the pages in my copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo are stuck together.

Food Fight: Police responded to a call at the Salsarita's near the airport after an employee threw a fit at work. The general manager told officers that he asked the employee to leave the store, and the kid started throwing food items all over the place. The irate employee reportedly threw beverages, meats, vegetables, dairy and salsa around the interior of the store, damaging a hanging light and the cash register. At least one customer in line was probably thinking: "I hope that's not my burrito he's making back there."

U-Turn: Police were interviewing a larceny suspect in the street last week when a black Saturn nearly collided with their patrol vehicle, skidding 20 feet to a stop in front of it. As an officer approached the passenger side, he witnessed the passenger stuffing something in the glove box and attempting to hide his open can of Budweiser on the floorboard. When he was told to step out of the vehicle, he began cursing and yelling at officers and was placed in handcuffs. A search of the glove box turned up five grams of weed. The suspect told officers he shouldn't be charged with anything because it wasn't his car. Yeah, because it's OK to kill people as long as you're in someone else's house and steal things from stores you do not own.

Hissy Fit: A 22-year-old woman called police after her clearly unstable boyfriend assaulted her. The man became enraged one day last week and started throwing and breaking things around the house. The woman went outside to call for help and then went inside to attempt to get her children out. The suspect threatened to shoot the woman and threw a large toy truck at her. He then attempted to slam the windows shut on her fingers. The suspect finally left but hadn't quite finished his rampage. He got into the victim's car with her purse and wallet and then tried hitting her with the vehicle while she stood in the front yard. I swear, Tar Heels fans don't know how to act when their team loses.

Taking A Stand: A 51-year-old man called police after being chased around his apartment complex by a raving lunatic. He told officers that the man chased him around with a huge stick until he found refuge in his friend's apartment. It was from this safe haven that he watched the suspect enter his apartment, where his wife was sleeping. The suspect got a butter knife out of the victim's sink and came back outside again. You might be sleeping on the couch for a long while — or your friend's place if you don't feel safe on the couch.

Chivalry's Death: A 22-year-old woman called police after someone broke into her residence. She told officers that an unknown suspect gained entry into her apartment through an unsecured door while she was gone. She returned to find that the suspect had left a path of flowers from her kitchen to her bedroom and written on two mirrors and a television "indicating the way he felt about her."

Nacho Stop: Police responded to a domestic dispute at a bus stop last week after a man and woman were witnessed beating each other up while waiting for the bus. The report states that early one evening, the woman walked into the Taco Bell where her boyfriend works and started harassing him. He left and walked to the bus stop where she grabbed him and wouldn't let him get onto the bus. The man was able to push her off of him ... and decided to step on her head while he waited for police to come and assist him. Both of the parties were arrested for assault and all parties on the bus were able to capture some awesome cell phone videos.

Now Steal This

Bright Futures: Employees at The Creek Lounge on Monroe Road called police after their building was broken into last week. Sometime during the afternoon, someone broke in and took a 32-inch flat screen TV and $1,700 worth of neon signs — including a frog, a lizard, a blue marlin, a Carolina Panthers sign and many more. Police haven't found the suspect yet but are searching satellite images for any house in Charlotte that is glowing from space.

Clothes Hopping: Employees at a local Kohl's store called police after a woman attempted to carry out a very complex, if not convincing, shoplifting scam. Employees told officers the woman first entered the store and brought several items of clothing back to the dressing room. She concealed some of them under her clothes and brought the rest back to the return desk at customer service as if she had already bought them. The woman was given a store gift card for the clothing and continued to browse the store. She then brought more items to the dressing rooms and concealed some of them under her already bulging clothing. She attempted to pay for the rest with her fraudulent gift card but was stopped by security. I guess if you try all shoplifting methods at once, you figure one will work.

So Meaty: Employees at a local supermarket called police after a man was caught shoplifting. One witness told officers that she watched the suspect walk into the store and start stuffing meat into his pants in plain view. When the employee approached the suspect and asked him to please stop and place all the meat on the counter, he punched her in the face. He ran off with "both hands on the meat, still in his pants." Do I even need a joke?

Party Bag: Employees at a local Walmart called police after catching a woman attempting to shoplift from their store. When police arrived, they searched the woman's bag and found assorted bras and panties, nutty bars and a whole mesquite turkey. They also found five crack rocks in the purse.

Hot Date: Employees at a local Walmart called police after two men shoplifted from their store. Multiple employees saw the men concealing items throughout the store before they both left and got away for a short time. Officers responding to the call saw the men a short distance away and apprehended them both after having to chase one. The two men were found to have $1,688 worth of Crest Teeth Whitening Strips, $150 worth of razors, $140 worth of dental adhesive and more than $900 worth of DVDs (everything from Rambo to Toy Story 3). Looks like your Match.com date will have to wait.

Perky: Employees at a local Victoria's Secret called police after witnessing a woman shoplifting. The woman walked out of the store with 60 bras and hasn't been seen since. As far as who did it, only Victoria knows.

Hide Your Kids: A 37-year-old man called police to report that his suitcase had been stolen when his car was broken into. He told officers the only things that he had in the suitcase were a men's suit, two clergy robes, one clergy vest, one clergy collar and a clergy shirt.

Rolling Deep: A 59-year-old man called police after someone stole a lot of equipment from the backyard of his home. He told officers that two unknown suspects left his backyard with a riding lawnmower, three push mowers, a leaf blower and nine bicycles. Police are looking for the getaway driver, who apparently has 20 legs.

Bad Santa: A 43-year-old woman called police after someone stole her vehicle with all her children's Christmas presents. In the trunk of the car, the woman was storing a Barbie laptop, a child's piano, an MP3 player, a juice maker, a marshmallow maker and some girl's clothing. If you have a heart and read this, you will return that stuff. Except the marshmallow maker — that sounds awesome.

Threats of the Year

• A 51-year-old man called police after being threatened by a very unstable woman he was involved with at one time. He told officers the woman called him and stated, "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna goddamn fucking kill you and your goddamn whore. Do you like horses? How much do you like your horse? Do you think your horse will like antifreeze?" I can answer that. Unless you're asking how much he likes his whores.

• A 40-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that the suspect called her and stated, "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to hit you so hard in the face, it's going to paralyze or kill you."

• A 49-year-old man called police after he was threatened by a known suspect. He told officers that a man sent him a text message stating, "You punk bitch. When I catch you this time there won't be any cops, no security guards, no one to keep me from killing, so don't run." He then sent another, asking, "Why did you run when I saw you today?" I think that first text goes a long way in answering your question.

• A 24-year-old woman called police after being threatened by someone who should be castrated. She told officers that the man called her 260 times and sent her 130 texts in a two-week period. The suspect, who is angry at the victim because she won't answer his phone calls, stated, "You are going to get raped by six niggas with HIV. I'm going to give you a matching scar just like the one on my face. See you soon bitch. You are dead. Don't come back to the Q.C. or I will kill you."

• A 21-year-old woman called police after being threatened and sexually harassed by an unknown suspect. The suspect texted her five times one morning and stated: "When are you gonna give me some of that wet pussy? I'm coming to your momma's house to get some. When I come to work, I'm going to kick your ass."

• A 20-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a pregnant peer. She told officers the suspect called her several times and when she finally answered, the woman said, "Bitch, I'm going to fuck you up when I see you — after I have my baby."

• A 32-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened via text messages. She told officers that a man sent her four text messages; all the texts made sexual remarks but the winner of them all was the statement, "I am not going to chase you, but I am going to fuck you in your big asshole."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.