The Blotter: Escape From Epicentre 

Garbage Man A man in uptown Charlotte tried to escape the EpiCentre with a stolen bottle of vodka, but was taken down before he could make it far. According to the report, the man entered the storage area at Rooftop 210 with a garbage bag and placed $1,440 worth of Grey Goose bottles inside before trying to leave. A witness challenged the suspect in an attempt to get the goods back, but the bottles were destroyed in the process. Police tried to handcuff the suspect and he managed to break away, but on a second attempt he was successfully detained. Our advice: Go for the Burnett's next time and nobody will even care to stop partying long enough to tackle you.

Quite a Ride In an unrelated incident, a man successfully made a daring escape from the EpiCentre last week, only to be arrested later after video of his antics went viral. The video, shot by 92.7 The Block radio host Chewy, shows the man sliding down a wet awning meant to cover an escalator below. When the man reaches the bottom, he slams into the hood of a white SUV before getting up and flexing for the crowd. Chewy told local news sources that the man came up to him and asked, "Do you want to see something crazy?" The suspect was later identified, arrested and charged with damage to property for breaking the car's windshield.

Not Alpha Men Two suspects were accused of shoplifting from the Last Place on Earth Pet Shop on North Tryon Street last week for stealing the last thing on Earth you'd expect. The men entered the store together at about 11:30 a.m. and immediately began displaying fishy behavior. The men ended up shoplifting a single pet, a beta fish worth $20. We hope they are taking care of Bubbles, but we can't help but be concerned that their plan is to enter him into a fish-fighting ring, if those do exist.

Alliterative Assholes A little bit of fake news could end up in a showdown between the doughnut and sandwich industry. An unknown suspect successfully trolled the Dunkin' Donuts on Harris Corners Parkway by claiming to be the owner of a nearby Jimmy John's in need of money to pay a delivery driver. The lie led to the faux Jimmy John's mastermind gaining $75 and lifelong trust issues between the two fast-food empires.

Spared A man came home to his Becton Park house in east Charlotte last week, got out of his car, took his keys inside and entered his home — a typical ending to the day. Five minutes later, he left his house and stepped outside, ready to continue that normal day. Unfortunately for him, that normalcy came to an end when he saw his own car driving away down the street. The suspect must have found the spare key that he later told police he kept taped to the rear view mirror. You know, the one visible through the windshield?

Smash Brothers If you're ever feeling angry at the existence of plants, this might be a crime that resonates with you. At the Revolution Park Sports Academy on Remount Road, unknown suspects flipped three concrete planters, destroying the various plants inside. The suspects also threw rocks at someone's car window and unsuccessfully tried to pry out the passenger side door with some kind of tool. The seemingly angry vandals weren't actually able to gain entry to the victim's car, but did do $800 in damage.

Child's Play A possible first step for the police investigating a car break-in could be visiting the local Dave & Busters, as the suspect is surely hanging out there as we speak, talking shit to kids and beating high scores. Two vehicles were broken into on Michaw Court last week, but only one car had the goods. The suspect stole a $10 Dave & Buster's game card out of one unlocked Toyota RAV4. The other car, also unlocked, had been sifted through but nothing was reported missing.

Roll the Dice The victim of a robbery on Central Avenue in east Charlotte last week turned to police to report his loss, but investigating officers soon found that he had been taken in a whole other way. According to the report, the man tried to file a report for larceny, stating that he had lost $530 during a robbery, and even fingered the suspect who stole it. Further investigation found that the two men had just been gambling all night, and the original "suspect" had just been winning too much for his friend to sit back and take it. In the end, both were cited for gambling, while the sore loser also faced a charge of filing a false police report.

Surprise! An accident on Craighead Road last week left one man with a much bigger problem than just the $2,000 in damages to his Ford F-150. According to the report, the other man involved with the collision jumped out of his car and robbed him at gunpoint after the crash, stealing an iPhone, North Carolina ID and $1,200 in cash — all 20s. After the theft, the suspect got back in his car and drove off without providing any contact information, leaving the victim out of his belongings and out of insurance money.