The Blotter: Misplaced Intentions 

Guessing Game Two men got into an altercation at a gas station in east Charlotte last week after a would-be thief claimed to be confused about where he was supposed to be pumping. According to the report, a 34-year-old man had already paid for his gas at a BP on Cambridge Commons Parkway and as he approached his pump he saw a 20-year-old man pumping gas into a gas can. The 34-year-old victim immediately assaulted the thief for stealing gas that was supposed to go into his work van, but once everything was settled, the thief explained that it was just a case of mistaken truck identity. The thief told police that there were four white work vans parked at the pumps at the time of the incident and he simply walked up to the one that he thought belonged to his company and began using the pump. In the end, both men suffered only minor injuries, although the younger man was treated and released by medics while the older man refused any treatment at all.

Sleep Over A 24-year-old man and a his 23-year-old buddy filed a police report recently after having one hell of a night in Plaza Midwood and not remembering what they did. The guys told officers that the last thing they remembered, they had been at a bar on Thomas Avenue at around 10:30 p.m., and the next thing they knew, they both woke up in an apartment at the Woodland Apartments. Neither one had any idea how they got there, and one couldn't find his $500 iPhone while the other couldn't find the $425 pair of AirMax sneakers he was wearing.

In The Bag A suspect attempted the luxury handbag haul of a lifetime at Charlotte Premium Outlets in southwest Charlotte early last week, but their greed caught up to them in the end and they lost it all. Rather than shoplift in the store, the suspect went directly to the source: the loading docks. The suspect first grabbed a UPS package containing eight Michael kors bags, worth $420 each. But that take wasn't enough, so they also went after a second package containing 12 bags worth $358 each. Something must have spooked them at this point though, because the report states that the suspect got away but all $7,600 worth of merchandise was recovered.

Fire Sale A little further east, Dick's Sporting Goods in Southpark Mall was also hit last week, but the suspect got away with the goods in this case. According to the report, the suspect entered the store and picked out a selection of athletic apparel, then left the store without payment. The suspect made it out of the store with about $2,800 of Nike clothing items. Most of these idiots protesting Nike are out here burning merchandise they already paid for, but this guy has got it figured out.

Going Postal A 54-year-old man in the south Charlotte area probably wanted to go postal last week after the contents of a package he had ordered mysteriously went missing. The man told police that he had tracked his package, and the tracker app told him it has been refused and returned to sender. This was strange, as the man stated he was home when the package was supposedly delivered. He contacted UPS and told them to redeliver the package so he could accept it, which they did and he did, but that was still no good, because the package they delivered was empty. Someone had written "refused" and "return to sender" on the package with Sharpie after apparently opening it from the bottom, removing the contents and sealing it back with tape. So what were the contents of this package that someone went to such lengths to steal? The victim said he had ordered $500 worth of bumper ball bearings for a 1963 Lincoln Continental convertible.

Out of the Blue Earlier this year, we reported on an alarming uptick in paintball attacks, both on people and property, and while it seems that trend has calmed, the war isn't quite over. One woman in the Shannon Park neighborhood in east Charlotte got an unexpected exterior paint job at her home last week, after an unknown suspect unleashed a barrage of blue paint from a paintball gun. The paintballs covered the window of her home, doing about $20 worth of damage, but money is not the issue, as long as the message was sent (we're not sure what the message was).

Hardcore Parkour No one likes a ding to their car, but a car that was parked in a Food Lion parking lot in Charlotte got much more than a scratch last week after someone used it as their own personal playground. A 48-year-old woman reported parking her car in the lot near East W.T. Harris Boulevard while at work, only to find that some unknown suspect has jumped on her trunk, ran across the top of the roof and onto the hood before seemingly disappearing, leaving just the footprints of an extreme walker. Police said the damage will cost about $300 dollars to fix, and the case is pending for further investigation, but we're sure they're not going to catch a suspect as mousy as this one.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.