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The Blotter: Next to Godliness 

Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files


Clean Getaway A woman in the University area was alarmed to come home last week and find that she had apparently been hosting an unwanted house guest, but a polite one. The 19-year-old victim told officers she returned to her apartment at the University Village at Charlotte and found a suspect whom she had never seen before inside her home. The woman told officers that by the time she got home at 9 p.m., the stranger had "consumed foodstuffs and cleaned the living area." The suspect did not break into the apartment, per se, since there were no signs of forced entry, but will still be charged with misdemeanor breaking and entering. At least they'll keep their cell clean.

In the Spirit It's important to get your holiday shopping done early, but that's doesn't apply when it comes to the tree. Nevertheless, one 37-year-old woman in south Charlotte was swindled out of her holiday decorations and some textbooks when three suspects stole from the back of a moving truck she was using. The woman told officers that the thieves stole $600 worth of textbooks (that's probably just one college textbook, to be honest), a CD player, $75 worth of office supplies and a Christmas tree from the truck while it was sitting for three hours at the Element South Apartments. Now they just need tinsel.

Electric Steal Common sense will get you far, but an electric bicycle will get you farther. One 26-year-old man in Uptown Charlotte recently did not use his common sense when he lent his $1,500 "Rad-Fat" electric-powered bicycle to another man on Trade Street. The victim claimed he lent the bicycle to the unknown suspect around 9:14 p.m., presumably expecting it to be returned, but the suspect never came back from his joyride. The electric-powered wheels in his head were not turning very fast during this exchange, apparently.

Chain Gang A 17-year-old girl fell into a similar predicament in north Charlotte last week when she let a so-called friend wear her chain then never got it back. The girl told police she was at Nevin Community Park when the suspect took the 22-inch, 14-karat, $600 chain off her neck and put it on their own, but just to try it on. However, they must have liked how it looked on them because when she asked for it back, the suspect refused. Now, she says the suspect will not even return her calls.

Dog Days It was a ruff day last week when Charlotte-Mecklenburg police officers responded to a local animal hospital in response to a suspicious person on the premises. When the officers arrived, they discovered that a FedEx box delivered to the hospital was opened and the contents stolen. It seems far-fetched, but the doggone, presumably barking-mad suspect has quite a nerve, as the package contained biopsy nerve samples of a canine animal. Paws for a moment of silence for the poor dog that has to return to the lab to have another biopsy procedure done.

Dig In Construction sites are notorious for trespassers, thieves and vandals entering and doing as they please overnight, but one report last week grabbed our attention due to the sheer audacity of the suspect. A constrution business working in the Wesley Heights neighborhood in west Charlotte reported to police last week that sometime between 5 p.m and 7:40 a.m., an unknown suspect absconded with their CAT mini excavator, worth $70,000. Now, we're not sure if someone is playing a dirt-poor joke or trying to build their own construction business, but hopefully the police department is digging into this investigation.

Stick it to the Man Charlotte-Mecklenburg police filed a report for themselves last month when they fell victim to a false pretense/swindling crime at an occupational medicine outpatient center on Independence Boulevard in Matthews. In conjunction with Homeland Security Investigations, the two operations found themselves $400 short each. Now, the report gives very little detail, but we can only presume that whoever carried out this stately crime might deserve the $800 they were able to finesse from the government.

High Steaks Police were dispatched for a meaty shoplifting call last week at a Food Lion in west Charlotte. The suspect was apprehended for attempting to steal fine ground beef and a kielbasa, and according to the report, he stole a whole shitload of it. The officers filing the report listed $4 worth of kielbasa and $13,560 worth of ground beef as stolen. That's probably a typo, esepcially considering just $13.56 worth of beef was recovered, but we still enjoy the image of a man trying to walk out of Food Lion with that much beef in his cart.

Free Ride A 40-year-old Plaza Midwood woman found out that someone had been getting around the city on her dime for three weeks, and it was no small dime. The woman reported to police last week that someone had used her bank account information to set up an Uber account, then preceded to spend more than $100 a day. The account was opened on April 30, and wasn't closed until May 21. In that short time, the suspect spent $2,410 on rides. We're not sure where they were going every day to spend that much money, but we hope they like scooters, because that's now their only option.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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