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Thursday, March 31, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind / Random.com / Don't Quote Me Don't shit, or have sex, where you eat
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Mar 31, 2011 at 2:20 PM
I'm about to go where no woman blogger has gone before ... to the bathroom.
You can read advice columns about dating and maintaining a passionate relationship, but what about when the shit hits the fan? And I mean that literally.
You're dating a guy. It's still relatively new, in the sense that you spend the night together, but he doesn't know you poop or fart yet. You guys go to dinner and go back to his place for sexy time. But your body is busy digesting your food and is ready to dispose of it. What do you do?...what do you do?
How do you make going #2 a one-person affair ... and go in his house without getting caught?
I called in back-up to answer this question for you ladies. Those for whom I seek my own advice from like volunteer therapists and muses — my girlfriends.
"The shower trick. Works every time. Tell him you want to shower before bed, run the water and poop. Then jump in the shower and wash off, using soap and something that is smelly so you can dilute the poop fumes." ~a girlfriend
"Take a shower! He also likes this usually cause I come out all wet, smelling good and naked but really I just wanted to have an excuse to shit without killing the mood. Girls can be sneaky, too." ~a different girlfriend
"I'm a fan of the good ol' fashion fan. Just turn on the overhead fan. It masks the sound and clears the smell more quickly. Guys typically don't have air freshener in the room (if they do, maybe look around and make sure they have both testicles) so if it's really stinky you can take like the shampoo or liquid soap and wave it around the room with the cap open (that way it smells like their usual products versus perfume, or worse, shit). But realistically, girls have a keener sense of smell than guys, so they probably won't even notice. Plus, a big poop is easier to explain than weirdly waving around their hygiene products." ~another girlfriend
"LEAVE! Make up a reason for having to leave or go home. Tell him you got to let your dogs out and use that time to go to the bathroom yourself." ~another girlfriend
"When I'm traveling with him I tell him I'm going to get a snack or some drinks and use the lobby bathroom." ~another girlfriend
Or, you can take my married girlfriend's advice: "I'll sit there and take a poop while he's shaving at the sink and then dutch oven him. I don't care. Girls shit, piss, burp and fart .... just cause we have a vagina doesn't mean we aren't human. We have three holes to control and men only have two. Cut us some slack."
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Happy Hump Day Queen City Burlesque spices up Charlotte
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Mar 30, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Things just got a little hotter in Charlotte. And not just because the temperature is rising.
Queen City Burlesque has taken the stage in Charlotte (and Lake Norman Comedy Zone) and is spicing things up. This performance troupe takes the art of burlesque and transforms it into modern-day fun with live music, racy performances, comedy and group performances featuring the Queen Kitty, Bunny Fatale, Spicey L'amor, Bebe Babette and Honey Jazel.
You can get in on the action ...
Queen City Burlesque is looking to add performers who can dance or sing. Or better yet, both, in sexy clothes. And they'll pay you for it too. E-mail your resume and head shot to queencityburlesque@ymail.com.
They're holding auditions on Sunday, April 3 in Uptown.
Or, just "like" them on Facebook.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
You can't have home-baked cake, eat it and go out to eat too
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 1:22 PM
Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock. Tony Parker cheated on Eva Longoria. Sienna Miller and Reese Witherspoon both got cheated on with the nanny. And if Halle Berry can get cheated on, all women are screwed.
Let's face it: No woman is safe from infidelity.
By saying things like, "What do they expect, dating that kind of guy” (athlete, rock star, actor, bad boy, NASCAR driver).
We treat it as though that is standard procedure. Like it's normal and acceptable behavior for athletes to have second phones to call their girlfriends on the road, and for actors to hire hookers or instill “goddesses” to have nightly orgys while their kids sleep at their ex-wives' houses.
Or, "That's what you sign up for being with that kind of guy."
... No, actually that's not what a woman signs up for. Not a real one at least. She signs up for a relationship. Just because a guy is an athlete or actor doesn’t put him above any woman or above the appropriate standards of relationships. Successful women don’t get that luxury. They’re often the victim of this jaded societal double standard. And to add insult to emotional injury, nice, normal guys are then reluctant to date them.
Men, you have to choose: Use the kind of girls who use you for money or have a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who cares about you.
You can't have your cake home baked, eat it, and then go out to eat out, too.
Truth be told, a lot of these playboy player types are the most internally lonely, unhappy human beings. Because these guys are human, too. Just because their dicks are dipped in gold doesn't mean they don't have a heart. And they need love as much as anyone else. And sometimes deciphering between those who love them for who they are or what they do becomes hard, and they front like a player as their defense.
It makes sense, but it still doesn’t make it right.
If they’re honest about being an asshole, they’re a little less of a douchebag, at least. And these guys will always get hall passes in relationships … as long as women continue to give them. But why settle for being just “the #1” when you should be the ONLY ONE? This isn’t an episode of The Bachelor.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Dating and Mating / Guest Blogger The Match.com-making for Brittney continues
Posted By Web Editor on Mon, Mar 28, 2011 at 12:16 PM
Last week, I, being the good intern that I am, signed Brittney up for Match.com. Luckily, I still have a job. But still no boyfriend for my busy boss. As I browsed the Web trying to upload a love match for Brittney, this is what I found ...
The morning after my latest rendezvous with Match.com, I woke to a buzzing phone and a full inbox. Clearly Match.com wasn’t the only party pleased with Brittney’s revised profile. I spent the early part of my day sorting through e-mails with subject lines like: “You’re one of his favorites!” and “[insert screen name here] winked at you!” Winking?
These quick messages didn’t divulge much information; evidently the Match.com 250 character limit is also imposed in their e-mails, but they did invite Brittney to “wink” back. Is the Match.com “wink” the new Facebook “poke”?
On a side note, the creators of Match.com have gotta be former CIA members. The sheer amount of technological monitoring is scary.
Insert our first player in the Brittney Cason online dating campaign: “InvestorUptown93.” (Editor's Note: Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent ... and the not-so-innocent.) This screen name had viewed, e-mailed, winked, and labeled Brittney as one of his favorites. Alright guy, you’ve got my attention — time to do a little Match.com stalking myself. My first thoughts after viewing his profile:
When did ‘The Situation’ move to Charlotte?
This gel-head is an investor? I’m not totally sure I’m buying it. Is he donning his Ed Hardy tees to the office?
OK, I need to take a step back. This is for Brittney. This is for Brittney. This is for Brittney … To find a match for Brittney, one must think like Brittney.
So, let’s see what “InvestorUptown93” has to offer.
This sightseeing, social-drinking Aries lives one active life — working out three to four times a week. He enjoys volunteering and traveling. So far so good.
But I can’t help but notice the differences in his two photos: one, bar-side in a skin-tight shirt with hair sharp enough to provoke injury; the other, sitting by the beach in khakis and dress shirt.
Who are you,” InvestorUptown 93?”
The explanation lies within the profile. As it happens, this guy believes in living a multi-dimensional identity. Hold on Superman, should I be wary of phone booths? Strike 1. Also, one of his “fav” past-times is soaking up some sun on the beach. Do you like taking long walks on the beach, too? OK InvestorUptown93, what do you do when you’re not tanning or making trips to the gym? Let me guess, laundry?
And moving on … Next!
To be continued …
— Jordan Bullington
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind Jenny Craig's boyfriend
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Mar 24, 2011 at 1:05 PM
Your self-help books tell you he's not that into you. Your friends tell you "don't do it man" when you're considering asking her to marry you. Your father refuses his blessing, and your mom thinks she's the cutest thing ever.
Guy or girl, when it comes to dating advice — who are you supposed to listen to?
How about a seemingly perfect stranger with a blog ... and an unbiased opinion. I offer great advice, I just never heave my own ... and then go out and make a lot of mistakes you can learn from. Got issues (who doesn't)? Drop a line to brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com with the subject line: "The Blind Leading the Blind."
Dear Brittney,
My girlfriend is starting to gain weight. It's so bad I'm not really attracted to her anymore. Not just her body, but her attitude about it. She doesn't ever want to work out and always wants to go out to eat and she orders fried food!! I know it's reversible, but how do I tell her I think she needs to lose weight without freaking her out or hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Jenny Craig's boyfriend
Dear Jenny Craig's boyfriend,
Very wise of you to proceed with caution. If you breach the subject of her weight with comments like "Are you really going to eat that?" then you're just going to end up on the other end of her finger being the ridiculed source of her insecurity. She should want to lose weight for herself and her health — not to appease you. And you need to trick her into thinking that's the intent (and if you truly love her, then that should actually be your sincere intent ... just saying). Start planning some outdoor activities together where exercise is a side effect. Go to the grocery store and stock the fridge with lean meats and veggies. Sugarcoat the truth (using no calorie artificial sweetener). Suggest that you want to get into shape for the summer and ask her if she wants to be your diet and exercise buddy — like girls do with each other. As long as you don't force her on the scale and give her a math problem. Chances could be that she doesn't even realize she's gaining weight. Is she stress eating? ... are you stressing her out, Mr. Jenny Craig? Did you knock her up? Consider there might be a logical reason to this weight gain. If not, and it's just pure laziness, then light a fire under her ass. Speak now, or forever hold your piece of cake. Here's the alternative ...
Love, Brittney
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Shit Brittney Says / Happy Hump Day What TMJ really stands for
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Mar 23, 2011 at 9:40 AM
I went to get a facial at Lighten Up and Face It. When the therapist got to massaging my cheek area, she paused her hands and exclaimed, “Goodness gracious girl, you have knots in your cheeks.”
Like muscle knots you get in your neck, in my cheeks.
She dug around on my face a little bit more and came to a good conclusion. “You must grind your teeth or clinch your jaw. People tend to do this when they hold in something they need to say.”
Is this a therapy session or a facial?
"Ask your dentist to check you for TMJ. You might have developed that by clinching your jaw so much."
TMJ? What the hell is that?
That night over dinner I told my girlfriends about my new disease — TMJ, asking for insight and for someone to define the acronym for me.
They told me that it meant “Too Much Jizz”
They then proceeded to tell me that you get it when you give head too much. And then accused me of being a closet head case.
"That's why you have dimples ... to store nuts in."
Those bitches.
That’s not true of course — it’s TMJ, not TMZ.
By the way, TMJ stands for Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) Syndrome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Dating and Mating / Guest Blogger Meeting your Match
Posted By Web Editor on Tue, Mar 22, 2011 at 10:26 AM
My mother met my father 30-plus years ago when dating entailed dinner dates, goodnight phone calls and having her home by 11. Unfortunately, for those of us living in this modern-day idea of romance, the dinner dates are now drinks at the bar, goodnight phone calls are texts and 11 is when the fun begins. Not to mention, who’s got time to date?
Meet my mentor: Brittney Cason, whose career leaves her traveling so much she spends most of her spare time in airports and sleeps in hotel beds more than her own. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't just a professional gypsy. So when does my career-driven boss have time to even consider dating? Exactly … so this is where I step in, and add to my list of duties as the intern.
If you watch any amount of TV you’ll see your fair share of online dating commercials. Not only do these success stories pack the “true love conquers all” mentality, they do it with good-looking couples. I’m sold. So, working undercover I got busy and signed my hectic boss up on Match.com.
I’m a rookie at the online dating, but I thought: how hard could it be? Apparently, not that easy. When doing the initial set-up, I gave generic answers and didn't upload a photo to keep it anonymous (and to cover my ass in case she gets mad). When I clicked “Send for Approval,” I didn’t expect the response I later received in e-mail form:
“Thank you for submitting your profile on Match.com. Unfortunately, we are unable to approve it at this time, because part of your profile text was unintelligible or repetitious.”
Hold up Match.com, I’m not so sure I like your tone.
So I spent an hour editing her profile to adhere to their standards. I hope the guys on here aren't as high-maintenance as the site itself.
The questions are somewhat challenging; for example: Tell us about your favorite music, TV shows, food, etc. etc. ... in no more than 250 characters.
Yes, that says characters, not words. So, let me get this straight Match.com: you want people to describe themselves in 250 letters? Who are you kidding?
But 250 characters later, I’m now the self-proclaimed matchmaker in Brittney’s life. That is, unless she kills me. Because this is the first she’s hearing about it. Stay tuned to see how the Brittney Cason online dating saga plays out … or if I still have a job.
— Jordan Bullington
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dating and Mating / Sex and the Queen City / Don't Do This The best gift a man can give a girl ...
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Mar 21, 2011 at 9:36 AM
... is a bottle of conditioner.
I’ve dated all kinds of men, all who had different means of displaying their love and affection.
From the guy who gave me the Sex and the City DVD box set on our third date to whatever Tiffany's jewelry is being advertised for any given holiday. The best gift I’ve ever gotten from a guy, however, was my own toothbrush and bottle of conditioner in his bathroom.
Not only is it a thoughtful, cute gift, but it's a way of showing a girl that he not only wants her around, but that she’s the only girl that he has around. 'Cause not too many guys use conditioner, and having some in the shower is a tell-tale sign that a woman showers there.
Ladies, don’t underestimate the sincerity of toiletries as a gift. Sure, jewelry is nice, but its value is nothing compared to that of true love from a guy. Actions speak louder than words ... and gifts.
A nice gift isn’t a supplement of emotions, and investing in a present will not increase your stock if you're not investing your time. A token of affection isn’t just some generic fancy gift bought because he has a lot of tokens to spend. It’s a thoughtful, meaningful act of love and token of affection. Such as putting conditioner in his shower so you can spend the night there and shower before you go have breakfast together.
I’d rather be taken on vacation than have some shiny necklace that is too nice to wear anyway. And who needs to be wined and dined when you can make homemade dinners together.
Real women don’t want to be spoiled with nice presents if there's no real thought behind it. They want their men to spoil them with adventures and time spent together. What we need from men is not available in stores — you can't put love on a credit card.
If men realized this, they’d save a lot of money and invest in a better class of women. Consider that like an insider trading tip, fellas.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dating and Mating / Shit Brittney Says 'That little girl could end up dating my future ex-husband one day'
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Mar 18, 2011 at 11:24 AM
I had the most horrible thought the other day.
I was walking through Freedom Park (OK, I was actually rollerblading through the park — don’t judge me) when I saw a little girl running around playing. The thought crossed my mind: That little girl could end up dating my future ex-husband one day. Assuming I marry someone my own age.
Think about it …
The last guy I was into was in his forties. I was 13 when he was my age. I wasn’t even born when he started having sex.
It’s disgusting really … if a woman dates a younger guy, then she’s a cougar or just an old maid. But when a guy does it, he’s "the man." But it’s actually kind of perverted if you think about it. I mean, this girl is like 7 years old and could, feasibly, end up dating one of my guy friends now.
Meanwhile, my fetish for older men is partaking in this problem. I would never be a homewrecker by any means, but by dating older men, I am taking them off the market for single women their own age. Are there not enough men to go around? Or do women have to share them?
I know why I date older men … I’ll spare you my psychobabble "It’s a supplemental father figure" speech. But every woman needs that in her life, and she is going to get it somehow. So, perhaps some of these guys should stop dating girls young enough to be their daughters, and start being better fathers.
I just never really thought about how it hurts the moms out there, until a cougar roared at me about it. She might not have been as violent as the girls who jumped me in high school for a different form of dating discrimination, but she made her point.
I don’t discriminate. I am an equal opportunity dater, but I also don’t want to discriminate against my own kind … women.
Newsflash: We all get older. If a man leaves a woman for getting older in order to date younger women, that’s just a sign that he hasn’t grown up and needs someone on his maturity level. And that his daughter shouldn't bring her friends over to his house.
But who cares if we grow old … isn’t that the point of sharing your life with someone, to have someone to grow old with?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Dating and Mating / She Said The Bachelor really is reality, off camera
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Mar 17, 2011 at 2:09 PM
Reality TV isn’t always realistic. But in Emily Maynard and Brad Womack’s case, something really real came out of The Bachelor season 15 … them! I ran into the couple in Austin during SXSW last night at Chuggin Monkeys, one of Brad’s bars in Austin. And not only are they real, they are so happy and in love, they almost made me gag. She introduced me to him and he greeted me the same way all my friends' husbands do when they meet one of her friends: he treated me like one of his own.
Who is anyone to judge Emily or Brad and their relationship? None of us have walked in Emily’s stilettos. Our inner critic is harsh enough on us — no one deserves to be publically judged by strangers.
Emily and I first met during a Remembering Ricky Hendrick event, hosted by the Hendricks. I saw her after she had left 3 Wide Life and when I suggested she come back and co-host the show, she said she was working at the Children’s Hospital … and then asked me if I knew any nice guys to introduce her to because she was ready to date. All the more reason for her to go on The Bachelor.
Dating is hard enough. So let’s all just be happy for her that her brush with fame ended in love.
Oh, and if you're interested in keeping up with Emily on Twitter, you can follow her at her real handle, @rickismommy. (Fake handles include @msemilymaynard and @emilymaynard — creepy!)
