Friday, February 24, 2012

Rick Santorum's gay porn portrait

Posted By on Fri, Feb 24, 2012 at 3:10 PM

I just saw the most amazing thing. As per usual and because of my big, kind heart, when I see something that makes my day, I feel the need to spread the joy around.

I just saw a portrait of republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum’s face comprised of nothing but tiny pictures of gay porn.

OMG-A-Rick-Santorum-Portrait-Made-Entirely-of-Gay-Porn-NSFW-ish-1024x768.jpg
  • UnicornBooty.com

Although I’m quite sure that all of you are just as sick and tired of hearing about this guy as I am, just in case you don’t own a television, Rick Santorum is (in his words) the “true conservative” candidate for POTUS. His major platforms consist of prohibiting abortion, preserving marriage by restricting it to one man and one woman, and instituting pornography laws so that “hard-core” porn is no longer accessible on the Internet, cable or satellite television, or in hotels. You know, the most important stuff.

His official photo
  • His official photo

If we’re adhering to Rick’s definition of conservative, it no longer just means Scrooge McDuck greedy and uptight — it now means hateful and dictatorial. If one of those fetuses he brawls tooth and nail to protect grows up to be homosexual, its rights can go straight to hell in a rainbow basket!

Therein lays the irony and hilarity that some brilliant (probably gay) man or lady took the time to carefully craft his goofy visage out of “hard-core” wiener on wiener action. You aim to deny American citizens the right to marry the person whom they love and are committed? You’ve single-handedly decided to limit the options that the women of America have in the event of an unwanted pregnancy? OK, fine, you get dicks all over your face. Fuck on you dude ... literally.

Megan Henshall is a project coordinator by day, favorite child, rollerskating enthusiast, blogger, and lover of all things social and under appreciated. For more writing/ramblings/rants visit www.dearsuchandso-keyboardventing.blogspot.com.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The greatest love story ever told

Posted By on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 4:03 PM

(Editor's Note: This blog post first appeared on Dear Such and So - Keyboard Venting.)

In a world inundated with online profiles and carpal tunnel-inducing text addiction, real connections are tragically rare. Let’s keep it real: The Notebook is sugary bullshit, and Nicholas Sparks is kind of an asshole for peddling it. That is why when I saw this narrative on TLC last night, I knew I had to share this example of unrefined and authentic love to the masses here in Charlotte.

In honor of Valentine’s Day: The modern-day fairy tale of 28-year-old Nathaniel and the sexual and emotional love of his life, Chase — his 1998 Chevy Monte Carlo.

Nathaniel met Chase roughly five years ago on a resale lot, and it was love at first sight. He said that Chase’s fire-red hood, with its “sexy and sleek lines," is what initially attracted him. Since that fateful day in the used car lot, Nathaniel and Chase have been hot and heavy, having unabashed make-out sessions in parking lots all over town. “We always have such a good time together,” Nathaniel sings.

Nathaniel spoils Chase with thoughtful gifts (accessories for his steering wheel and top of the line tune-ups) and slow sponge baths at the do-it-yourself car wash. Chivalry isn’t dead! They have regular date nights, most of which end in the throes of sexual passion.

I know the logistics of sex with a Chevy may seem tricky, but Nathaniel explains that it’s quite simple. “It involves a lot of rubbing up against him and then there is some masturbation.”

Oh, so not that tricky then. Dry humping is pretty much as fundamental as it gets. Perhaps we should all take a cue from Nathaniel and Chase to forego the The Reddoor and just keep it simple.

Moral of this tale: Although it may seem all the way dead, romance is alive and well, even in the most unexpected places. As you go about your Valentine’s Day, think of this touching story and give as much love away as possible. To your friends, your co-workers, your motor vehicle, your lamps, your iPod, your cell phone, your vacuum cleaner, and your significant other, whomever or whatever that may be. No judgment here.

Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement for dry humping in public. Get a room first.

*This story was found on TLC’s series My Strange Addiction, which airs Sunday nights.

Megan Henshall is a project coordinator by day, favorite child, rollerskating enthusiast, blogger, and lover of all things social and under appreciated. For more writing/ramblings/rants visit www.dearsuchandso-keyboardventing.blogspot.com.

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