There are lots of things I notice first about a man: his eyes, his hair, his overall demeanor.

His hands.

I know it sounds odd, but I can get an immediate sense about a person just from looking at their hands. Young, old, male, female: doesn’t matter. Strange? Perhaps. But whether you’re kind, hard-working, anxious or romantic, for reasons I’ll never understand, I can tell.

When it comes to men, however, one thing I never looked for while subconsciously surveying the terrain was a wedding ring — until recently.

For women in their mid-to-late 20s, the realization that the pool of potential candidates is getting smaller is a sobering one. For most, it’s enough to send hordes of us into the wild in a husband-hunting frenzy. But for those of us who don’t have our eyes on the prize, it’s more an amusing observation.

Throughout different stages of our dating lives, my girlfriends and I have found ourselves asking common questions about the men we’d meet. Those first few months after college, it was whether or not he had a job. Now, it’s marriage. And in a few years, “Does he have any kids?” “Is he divorced?” or “Does he have a working hip?” will probably be commonplace conversation.

But for now, it’s the quick glance of the eye to that ring finger. And if we can’t get a look, we’ll be asking.

This is particularly strange for me, since marriage has never really been top on my list of priorities. Sure, I may have over romanticized the idea of it with every guy I’ve dated between the ages of 18 and, well … last year, but the truth is the notion of having to share a bed with, brush my teeth next to, and give up a significant portion of my prized “me” time to another person every day for the rest of my life kind of makes me want to purchase my own private island somewhere. Truth be told, I like my space. A lot.

So I’m finding it increasingly humorous that my mind has been drifting toward a different set of digits these days — and wondering just how long I can revel in my independence before I may — just may — have to learn to cohabitate with another human being. Because while I’m not picking out a dress and china patterns quite yet, I’m starting to realize that this “whole life” I have to be married may actually be shorter than I thought.

— Alison Henry

A girlfriend of mine recently went on a date with a guy 11 years her senior. She is 28. He is 39. Or as she likes to say it: Thirty nine.

Blinded by his youthful good looks, she didn’t realize he was much older until she asked him the year he was born.

“1970 as in … ’78? ’79? Oh, ’70 as in seventy. Just ’70. Right. Gotcha.”

She saw his house filled with beautiful things and learned he was in the market for a second one. It was precisely this moment when the crisis began: I’m almost 30. Am I ever going to grow up? How would he feel dating someone who is nowhere near this level of “adulthood”? If age really is nothing but a number, why do I still feel like a kid?

In your early years, there are obvious problems with dating someone too far outside your age group. He’s heading out to a frat party; you have to be home for curfew. You have an exam in the morning; he’s giving a presentation to his CEO. He’s buying a vacation home; you live at home.

But we’re beyond that. We’re all adults now. Right?

Wrong.

Even though we’re past the obvious generational differences of our late teens and early 20s, “adult” is still a relative term. What counts now is not so much your numeric age, but your level of maturity. Forget “half your age plus seven.” Relationships are about growing together, and you can’t do that if you’re in two different stages of development. And we don’t all develop at the same pace.

Fortunately, as we approach and enter our 30s, our mental age begins inching toward harmony with our physical age. The brain isn’t even full developed until 26, which probably explains the refreshing dose of clarity that accompanies our ascent into this new phase of our lives. At this point, we all have jobs and homes (or are working toward one) and, most importantly, we seem to finally have similar wants and needs as our partners, allowing us to date a bit more comfortably outside our age group.

Although my friend felt inferior dating her older man, I think she may have been confusing age with material success. What was in their heads mattered more than what was in his house (or how many he had). And fortunately for her, there was good stuff in both. The only thing that could have been potentially disastrous in that scenario is a story that begins with “When I was in high school …” And at this stage in life, that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little humor.

— Alison Henry

Dear TV networks:

Women watch TV. Women want to have sex. Women have been hearing about four-hour erections for years — so why is it so hard for us to find out about Zestra?

Look, you're alive because a woman (your mother) had sex with a man (your dad), so why is it hard to believe that women want to get pleasure from sex and want to work through issues keeping them from having an orgasm?

That's why the Nightline story was so shocking last night. Zestra — the first product established in clinical trials to increase a woman's feelings of desire and arousal — appears to be a scientific breakthrough in women's sexual satisfaction. It won't make women go blind or lose their hearing, like Viagra. And if a guest on the Rachel Ray show says it "sends you to the moon" who are you, network executive to tell me you won't show the ads for it? Or even you, Facebook? Can you actually believe Facebook didn't like something?

So why is it when it comes to what women want, advertisers clam up? According to the American Medical Association, 43 percent of women suffer from sexual dysfunction verses the 31 percent of men that do. Given this, it would seem that there would been an even larger market for products helping women.

Do you see that, network executive? Women need Zestra — or something like it — more than Bob Dole needs a four-hour erection. And you run those horrible KY Jelly ads. Yep, we see those. So what is the deal with Zestra?

Are you in on the conspiracy to keep women from enjoying sex as much as men?

Just look a doctor on Rachel Ray has to say, and tell me why can't we see the ads for Zestra?

Signed,

Mustang Sally

PS: What's too sexy about this commercial?

• Writer Alison Henry. Photo by LGray Photography.

“I need help finding a good one. I tend to chase the bad ones.”

Said by any of my girlfriends, this would come as no surprise, as women tend to have this one thing in common. As a former member of Dramaholics Anonymous, I was well versed in the bad ones. Potheads, compulsive liars, cheaters — those were my addiction and now, thankfully, part of a very distant past.

But this particular morsel of honesty came via e-mail from a high-school acquaintance who just happened to be one of those most attractive guys at my school and clearly wasn’t having any problems in that department in adulthood.

After joking that we may be two of the last people in our graduating class who haven’t gotten married yet, he told me he’s been having trouble finding a woman who wasn’t married, didn’t already have kids or didn’t come with a sizeable amount of drama.

And he isn’t alone.

Take Brian, a 22-year-old (albeit young but wise-beyond-his-years) friend of mine. In a recent conversation, Brian confessed that all he wants is a girl to take care of. A nice girl. Someone who doesn’t wear clear heels on a Friday night and whose idea of a good time doesn’t involve body shots. “You know, someone I can just curl up next to and make breakfast for in the morning. Someone I don’t have to worry is going to sleep with my roommate tomorrow.”

Or my friend Mike, who at 29 is tired of having to hold a girl’s hair back over the toilet at the conclusion of an otherwise fun evening.

Now, you can say these guys are responsible for the types of women they attract, but after surveying the scene here in Charlotte, I’m going to have to side with the boys. Ladies, before you get all up in arms about this, I’m not saying that there aren’t bad men out there. There are. Everywhere. But I guess I always just assumed that this kind of disappointment was primarily a female problem. And I think we all know what happens when you assume.

As women, we’re brought up to believe that we’re the prize. That men are the ones who need to change, who are innately defective in this scenario. But being the fairer gender does not exclude us from common decency and otherwise respectable behavior. Before you head out for another weekend of pantyless bull riding — and later find yourself complaining that there are no good men out there — consider the fact that you may not be a good woman. Because there are good men. They just no longer want your kind of drama.

— Alison Henry

If your mate is a Carolina Panthers' fan, you are in for a long season of whining and crying. Did you happen to see that New York beatdown the Panthers got on Sunday?

And then there's fantasy football.

For years, sex has been believed to be the number one thought on people's minds daily; however, this survey offers a new look at what's currently on the mind of many of today's men. The online survey of men age 22 and over showed that more than 40 percent of respondents rate Fantasy Football as their number one thought during the day, as compared to only 30% who say that thinking about sex still remains as their top daily thought.

What?  Shocking. But have no fear, you can be supportive of your mate without turning into a Football Widow or having to fake loving the game as much as he does. (Trust me, if your mate is cheering for the Panthers, there won't be too many good Sundays this year.)

Start with halftime: If your mate's team is losing, give them a quickie to bring up his or her spirits. Halftime is about 15 to 30 minutes. Make sure you two are alone or if you're up for some adventure, take him/her in the bathroom while your friends moan and groan at the highlights of other games. They won't hear what you two are doing.

Keep in mind, most sports fans believe what they do when their team wins a game, they have to do it every week. That's why he or she wears that same jersey every Sunday and doesn't wash it for 16 weeks. So, if your mate's team comes back after halftime and wins, get ready to bend over in the bathroom or on the sofa for the next 16 to 18 weeks.

Next: Watch the score. If your mate's team is down by 30 in the third quarter, chances are, they're not coming back and your mate is on the verge of a hissy fit. But just because his or her team isn't scoring, it doesn't mean he or she has to be a loser. Give him or her some head. If you're doing it right, the game will become an after thought. If your mate gets tickets to a game, don't be like these two.

Finally: If your mate's team wins, you're going to be treated to the shortest session of sex in your life. Just be prepared for it. Three hours of screaming and cheering can wear anyone out.

Brian Pumper, the porn star allegedly behind Montana Fishburne's journey into the industry, has a new target. Jay-Z. You know, the rapper and Beyonce's husband?

Here's his critique of Jay-Z's lovemaking skills to Beyonce. I don't think Jay-Z will stop laughing hard enough to respond.

When Devondia Roseborough was diagnosed with AIDS in 2003, she could've crawled into a dark space an allowed her disease take hold. Instead, she turned herself into an advocate for young women and girls, the group with the highest number of new HIV/AIDS diagnoses.

Now, Roseborough's community activism through her Rasberrirose Foundation is being honored by Steve Harvey's Hoodie Awards. She's a finalist as The Best Community Leader.

"The Rasberrirose Foundation has a major focus on HIV and AIDS prevention," she said. "I work with young women between the ages of 10 and 18, teaching them self love and self respect and love for themselves especially when dealing with relationships."

As a Finalist winner, Roseborough will fly out to  Las Vegas for the 2010 Hoodie Awards, which will be held at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, on August 28.

But to win, she's going to need your votes.

A picture and brief description of the nominees will go on line this month on www.steveharvey.com and   www.v1019.com.  Best Community Leader category wins a new Ford Fusion.

Mama always said he/she is an ex for a reason, but in this social media world we live in these days, is an "ex" also a Facebook friend?

One camp says you should remain friends on social media:

You might not want to have anything to do with the guy now, but it's likely that your bitter feelings will subside in time. A birthday wish or a friendly wall post may be in order at some point in the future. Resist the temptation to defriend and simply hide his stories from popping up in your news feed.

Another camp says you shouldn't remain friends:

A Facebook de-friending from a recent ex may seem like a slap in the face, but it’s really quite healthy for both parties.

If you actually meant that line about still being friends, Facebook defriending may help you create the space you need to become comfortable on your new footing. You may refriend him the future, when time has passed and you’re both ready to reconnect; but until then, you don’t have to be reminded of him whenever you see his status updates. Also, you won’t have to read sickly-sweet wall chatter between him and his new girl, and you won’t be reminded when he goes back to your favorite brunch spot. Even after a mutual decision to split, reading a feed of your ex’s daily life and thoughts can be unpleasant.

Of course, I have to wonder: When did it become cool to have social media relationships? For the sake of your other friends on Facebook, please keep the details of your happy relationship and/or dirty breakup to yourself.

Plus, if you’re inclined to bittersweet obsessive page-checking and wall reading, you’ll be saving yourself hours of agonizing over what your ex really meant by that innocuous status update.

If your breakup wasn’t an amiable parting of the ways, defriending draws a clear line of separation between you and Mr. Horribly Wrong. If he does leave nasty status updates or notes, you won’t have to see them and be drawn into a tacky battle.

After all, Facebook doesn't give us the right to act like children, even though many people do. Just remember why you broke up and that Facebook is supposed to be for friends. I can't think of one ex that I consider a friend. Because, like mama said, he/she is an "ex" for a reason.

If you've ever dated an athlete, then you've been kicked out of bed the night before a big game. You were either left fuming because you were super horny or had to get yourself off with a sex toy or two.

Well, here's a lesson from the World Cup, sex before the big game is not a BFD.

For Diego Maradona's Argentine squad, sex is fine as long as it is not 2 a.m. and accompanied by a bottle of bubbly.

It is one of football's hottest debates; is sex a distraction or can a little bit of what players fancy help ease the strain and tension of World Cup competition?

The polemic resurfaced at the this week after British newspapers said the pitch-side presence of the Spanish goalkeeper's glamorous girlfriend was being blamed for Spain's shock 1-0 defeat by Switzerland.

All things in moderation is the motto in the Argentine camp, and their virtually guaranteed spot in the second round suggests the liberal line is paying off so far.

"Sex isn't a problem. It's only a problem if they're doing it at two in the morning with a bottle of champagne on the go," team doctor Donato Villani said before coach Maradona and Co. set off for South Africa.

During Argentina's victorious 1986, coach Carlos Bilardo, a former gynecologist, said sex was fine as long as "the woman does the hard work."

Hosts South Africa have taken a similarly laid-back position, with the team coach giving a green light to conjugal visits from footballers' wives and girlfriends.

"We're not in prison or a military camp," said before The Boys' opening Group A clash.

At the base of flamboyant favorites and five-times champions Brazil, Dunga says the spirit is live and let live.

"When they're on their own, they can do what they like. Not everyone likes sex, or wine, but everyone has to do whatever they like," he told a recent news conference.

Sex is actually good for you and can make your life better. Don't believe me?

Sex gives you energy and at the same time relaxes you. Your endorphins get pumped up, you feel more centered and at ease with yourself. And as a result you are more efficient throughout your day, feel more accomplished, and more at peace.

For the footballer or the busy mom, getting some is the difference between winning and losing. So, have sex with your athlete boyfriend, just make sure he gets enough sleep afterwards, so if he his team does lose, you don't get the blame.