He said/She said

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You know you haven't had sex in a long time when ...

Posted By on Thu, Apr 12, 2012 at 9:49 AM

We all know what it's like to hit that dreaded dry spell.

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You know, the one where you can't even remember how long it's been since you've gotten any. Does this sound familiar, ladies? You stop shaving because you know no one will even see your legs (or anything else for that matter). And, men, you have to be concerned when you start considering women your mother's age as an option, right?

At what point is TOO long to go without doing the dirty?! I asked several people around Charlotte to finish this statement: "You know you haven't had sex in a long time when ___________."

Here are their responses:


BB: "You start hitting on the little Asian dry-cleaning lady."

BO: "Your computer gets a virus."

ML: "You go in for your Brazilian and your esthetician tells you it's been three months since your last one ... and you usually go every four weeks."

AT: "You become ambidextrous just to spice things up."

Continue reading »

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Chivalry is dead

Posted By on Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 12:13 PM

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Once upon a time in the South, men held doors for ladies. These days, men actually expect women to open and hold a door for them.

Now, let me say that I'm far from an old fashioned girl; after all I'm waiting for a politician's sex tape to be leaked.

But like most women, I want my independence and a flash of old time chivalry. That's the 21st Century woman for you.

No one expects a man to lay his jacket on a mud puddle to be walked on [have you seen the cost of dry cleaning these days?], but coming to a complete stop and waiting for a woman to open the door for you is what P. Diddy calls "bitchassness."

There aren't too many things that I agree with Diddy on, but this would have to be one.

Now ladies, we're actually the reason chivalry died. You can trace the death back to two Destiny's Child songs: "Bills, Bills, Bills" and "Independent Women."

While we were flaunting our new-found girl power, we confused the simple minds of men. Did we want them to be ATMs? Were we really that strong to live without them?

And then we had some feminists who said men who hold doors for women are sexist.

Men who open doors for women are guilty of 'benevolent sexism' according to a new study by feminist psychologists.

Helping the ladies choose the right computer as well as carrying their shopping are also signs of 'unseen' sexism in society, according to the report.

Nail. In. The. Coffin.

So the next time a guy holds the door for you, say thank you. And if his hands aren't full, Sally says you are under NO obligation to open and hold the door for him!

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Dump him! Man crashes car after girlfriend refuses to pick up gym shoes

Posted By on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 10:20 AM

A Gaston County man is in jail (where he should be!) after purposely crashing his girlfriend's car while their 7-year-old was in the back seat.

I imagine the conversation between Raymond Morris Patterson, 32, and his unidentified girlfriend wasn't serious enough to put the life of a 7-year-old in danger.

She said they were headed to the gym when Patterson asked her to pick up his gym shoes. When she refused, they argued and Patterson said he was going to wreck her car and total it, according to the newspaper.

Patterson reached across her and snatched the steering wheel. He shoved it to the left, forcing the Cadillac into a 180-degree turn that stopped when the car hit a telephone pole in the dead center of the car’s front bumper.

The officer asked Patterson if the story was true, and he called his decision to wreck the car with his girlfriend and son inside a “stupid mistake," according to police

.

Stupid mistake? I think not. Signs of a potentially abusive mate sounds more like it.

Patterson is being held in the Catawba County jail under a $1,200 secured bond.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The argument for and against 'doggystyle'

Posted By on Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 4:36 PM

An Ask Men.com article says that men who like doggystyle, "enjoy demeaning women (i.e. they're insecure)."

But an article from the Frisky describes a woman's excitement about her first time having sex in the doggy position.

So, who's right? It depends on the person, to be honest with you. Women, so people think, want to look into their lover's eyes as they're making love. Not all the time. Do you think Two Live Crew sold millions of records to men alone?

Besides, the Frisky writer said this about her first time doing it doggystyle:

When Adam entered me from behind, it just slid in. He told me to put my face down on my mattress, to arch my ass up. No pain, no burning, no pressure: just me, face down on the mattress, with him behind me.

That’s how we f**ked and it became my favorite way to f**k. I was having the sex of my fantasies and it actually felt like the sex of my fantasies. Doggy-style didn’t scare me anymore; I didn’t believe any man was only going to hurt me.

But Ask Men.com paints this picture of a man who enjoys the position:

You have a real disdain toward women, and you try and degrade them any chance you get. This stems from deep insecurities rooted in the many rejections you suffered in high school, mostly due to your overwhelming acne and your complete inability to express yourself through fashion. Now that your face has cleared up and you’ve read a couple of AskMen fashion articles, girls actually want to have sex with you (after a few martinis) -- and this is your chance for payback. Doggy style is the best way for you to completely demean your partner by implementing any one of the following: the Donkey Punch, the Ram, the Bucking Bronco, and your all-time favorite, the Dirty Sanchez.

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Thursday, June 23, 2011

It came from Backpage.com

Posted By on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 1:35 PM

Backpage.com is what Craigslist used to be — among other things, a haven for "escorts" who are seeking "donations" for good causes. Today's comedy comes from one such local escort named LuNa.

Raven haired beauty, passionate in everything that I do, I am the real deal. All photos are 100% accurate and current. I am committed to giving you the utmost best to satisfy your mental and physical pleasure. I offer fun filled exciting sessions with no bs or drama. I am experienced in providing you the quality you deserve. Feel free to call at *** *** **** and remember ask for the one and only LuNa. I will also accept donations for a good cause please feel free to ask for details.

luna3

She's such a great housekeeper ... as you can tell from the background of the photo.

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

NFL Perrish Cox player could face life in prison for sexual assault

Posted By on Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 12:52 PM

Jets Broncos Football

Before this week, I didn't care about the NFL's Denver Broncos. The local team (those sorry ass Panthers) can't win a game, so this football season has lost its luster. And now it's even dimmer as news of Broncos's rookie, Perrish Cox's arrest comes to light.

Denver Broncos rookie cornerback Cox could face up to life in prison if convicted of sexual assault charges filed by prosecutors last week.A portion of the case unsealed by a Douglas County judge Tuesday shows the sexual assault charges are Class 3 and Class 4 felonies, which carry a sentence of between two years to life in prison. They involve a helpless victim.

When I hear "helpless victim," I think child, handicapped person, woman in a coma. So, I looked it up. According to the Denver Post, it means that the victim can't understand her situation. So, it sounds as if the victim in this case could've have been slipped a mickey (ust my conjecture).

But already, the deck is seemingly being stacked against this victim, as it goes down in most cases involving professional athletes.

A privately operated online database that posts case information for Colorado's judiciary inadvertently posted the alleged victim's name for a time Tuesday afternoon.

The Denver Post is not naming the woman because the newspaper does not identify alleged victims of sexual assaults without their consent.

But the name matches that of a Denver model whose photographs are published on the Internet and who has appeared in magazines.

In an online posting, she said she was a college student.

Let the judgment of the victim begin. While her name is being leaked, what's happening with Cox? He got benched for the first half of a game. Are you kidding me?

The alleged offense occurred Sept. 6 and was reported Oct. 28.

Cox, who played in the Broncos’ loss to the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday, is free on $50,000 bail.

Cox could face a four-game suspension from the NFL next season for violating the league’s personal conduct code.

I am further convinced that the NFL hates women.

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Monday, October 18, 2010

Do you have a sex list?

Posted By on Mon, Oct 18, 2010 at 3:59 PM

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News of a Duke University student's sex list had people looking at this young lady in one or two ways. Some people called her a hero. (WHY?) Some people thought she was a slut. (WHY?)

But let's be honest, we all have a bit of Karen Owen in us. Meaning we have a sex list — maybe not as detailed as hers.

How long have men been keeping black books? I remember looking in my brother's black book once. (Well, it was a purple address book.) It was filled with the names of different girls with stars beside them. Some of the names were highlighted, underlined and two were completely blacked out. Of course, I couldn't ask him what the stars meant because he would've known that I was snooping again.

Fast forward about 15 years. My freshman year of college I made a list and while it was much shorter and snarkier than Miss Owen's list, I did it for two reasons.

One, I wanted to be a writer, and I figured that college would be a lot more exciting than it was. (WRONG)

Two, I used to drink a lot. Wanted to keep my memories.

Now, my list was handwritten in a pink-and-white notebook that I kept underneath my bed. So, the only way my sex list would've gotten out would've been for my roommate to be super nosy and go underneath my bed. I'm pretty sure she didn't since her ex boyfriend was on that list, but I digress.

Owen says the list -- which refers to the men as numbered "subjects" and evaluates everything from their penis size to the creativity they exhibited in the bedroom (and, point being, elsewhere) -- was never intended for public viewing. She sent it to three friends, one of them forwarded it along and the rest is history. Put simply, Owen foolishly let it slip out of her control and it went viral; such is the story of our time. Beyond the fact of these jocks being virtually pantsed on a national stage, there is plenty to be said about the "thesis" as it was intended: a gossipy joke among close friends. I haven't known any women to create actual PowerPoint presentations about their sex lives, but her frank, and sometimes flippant, talk is very familiar. Come to think of it, the document is rather tame in comparison to the details I've heard from, and shared with, my female friends. And who hasn't created some version of this list -- whether it's a mere mental tally, scribbled details in a journal or a vividly detailed Word document?

If you're going to have a sex list, you shouldn't share it. Not even with your closest friends. Especially if it can be e-mailed. But does anyone else see Owen with a big book deal in her future? Or an even bigger lawsuit?

Remember I said some people weren't feeling Owen's tell all? One sex writer has put down her pen because of Owen and detailed it on the Salon.com.

Publishers have long been partial to young women willing to open up about their private lives in memoir or thinly veiled fiction, from Erica Jong's "Fear of Flying" to Elizabeth Wurtzel's "Prozac Nation" to Emily Gould's "And the Heart Says Whatever." After Jezebel ran an item that detailed a Duke graduate who created a PowerPoint detailing all the men she slept with, agents and editors pounced, comparing her to a female Tucker Max and praising her self-empowerment. The woman in question may be humiliated now, but trumpeting her sexual conquests opened doors that would have otherwise remained closed -- should she take advantage of it? For that matter: Should I have?

We celebrate Tucker Max, but are divided on Owen. Maybe we all ought to stop writing about our sex lives? Nah, then I'd be out of a job.

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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tiger's Sexting tales

Posted By on Thu, Mar 18, 2010 at 5:17 PM

One of the many mistresses in golfer Tiger Woods's life has released intimate text messages.

Yeah, the porn star did it.

Check out her site and laugh for all the wrong reasons. See what I mean when I said romance was dead.

jj-filtered

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Romantic or annoying?

Posted By on Thu, Mar 18, 2010 at 12:30 PM

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So, Reader's Digest has 50 ways to be romantic.

Hasn't anyone told them that romance is dead? Buried? Taking a long dirt nap?

We're sexting. We're hooking up on Twitter. We are not being romantic. And if you follow RD's advice, I'm thinking you're not going to be doing anything.

Fake a power outage at home. (Loosen the fuses or throw the breaker switches.) With no TV to tempt you…with no computer to occupy you…with no furnace to heat you…you pretty much have no choice but to get out the candles, huddle around the fireplace and be romantic!

So, lying is romantic now?

Call your partner from work, every-hour-on-the-hour, just to say "I love you."

That might be cute for two hours, but if you work eight hours a day, those phone calls are going to be redundant and stupid. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a bit a romance. But this is the kind of stuff that you don't even read about in romance novels — even the cheesy ones with Fabio on the cover.

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Dating makeover starring Jack Bauer

Posted By on Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 9:30 AM

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Women say that they want a good man. A nice guy who treats them like a princess. If that's the case, then my friend Jack Bauer (No, not the guy from 24) should be drowning in panties.

Don't get me wrong, Jack can be an asshole, but not to the girl he likes and guess what, that's his problem. For whatever reason, Charlotte women seem to like a man who has the potential to treat them like shit. Otherwise, you can't explain all the banker girls dating the unemployed tools of the city. (Yeah, stripped shirt man, I'm talking about you) So, Jack and I had a talk. And I told him, he needs to start treating the women he wants to sleep with the same way he treats his friends and co-workers -- kind of shitty.

Seriously? He wondered aloud. I nodded and broke all of the girl code rules and told him this about Charlotte women:

  1. They want to feel as if their man can protect them. And though if you had to, you could — that's not the first impression women get from you.
  2. You smile too much and that makes women put you in the friend zone immediately. Women around the QC wonder what will it take to make this guy smile? If you're already smiling, they're not that interested.
  3. Despite every woman in the club, bar or what have you screaming that she wants to the priority, she likes to see that you have other options. Truth of the matter, we want to know that someone else wants you. Now, those other women that you're surrounding yourself with have to look better than the woman you like. You don't have to like any of them. Just make her think that if she doesn't act right, it's on to the next one.
  4. Make her think it's her honor to be around you.

Jack looked at me as if I was crazy, until he started to let what I said sink in. And that day began the dating make over of Jack Bauer. (Of course that's not his real name.)

Over the next few weeks, Jack will be going out on the town armed with new insight into dating the Charlotte woman. And you can read about his exploits right here.

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