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Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Dating and Mating / Don't Do This My love affair with TSA
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Mar 1, 2011 at 3:52 PM
Between the book tour, shooting 3 Wide Life and my career as a professional gypsy in general, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the road — or up in the air, rather. And at airports. Last week, I even had a layover in Charlotte going from Daytona to Austin. I’ve been traveling so much lately, I’m starting to say things like, “What time zone is it?”
… and the most action I’ve gotten is a TSA pat-down.
I am beginning to feel as though I am having a love affair with the TSA. As many of their members who have seen me naked (those in Charlotte, Milwaukee, Denver, Miami, and now, Texas), I kinda feel like a TSA whore, like a girl they just pass around.
Why is it that I have to get a body scan so often when going through airport security? Do I look like a terrorist? Do I walk like I’m smuggling illegal substances in my vagina? I mean, I do confuse people with my ethnicity; I’ve been asked if I was Persian and Cuban before.
On the way home to Charlotte, after stripping down to my bare feet, the guy monitoring the metal detector stopped me from passing and escorted me into the space shuttle-looking contraption where they strip you naked with X-ray vision.
Not again ...
But the thing is, I have the remains of a peace sign vajazzled on me. I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what made me suspect. And how that is going to look to them on X-ray.
After I collected my bags, and put my clothes back on, I asked the guy running the body scans if I could have a copy of the X-rays to send my Orthopedic doctor. I’m due a round of them with him and I figured this could save money on the medical bill. It was the least they could do for turning me into an X-ray rated Playboy bunny. I wonder how much radiation I’ve had to take in from these photo shoots.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Dating and Mating / Sex and the Queen City / Random.com Guys respond to my 'vajazzling'
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Feb 28, 2011 at 12:33 PM
On Valentine’s Day, I got the following e-mail from a guy friend:
Subject Line: Happy Va-jay-jay Day
Welcome to Austin Britt! Here’s a coupon for a $5 Swarovski Vajazzle with a Brazilian wax, with love.
The forwarded message from the Waxing Studio included a link to a video of Jennifer Love Hewitt talking to George Lopez about how she thinks every woman should get vajazzled. What is she,The Ghost and Vagina Whisperer?
Vajazzling is basically bedazzling your vagina. Kinda like going to Michael's and buying gems to hot glue to your vagina. I’ve always wanted to have a jewel-encrusted vagina.
"That is a horrible idea" … "Won’t the beads rub against our skin?" … "If I saw a girl with rhinestones on her vagina, I’d ask to see her ID to make sure she was over 13” — these are the sentiments I got from my guy friends.
And then they bet me I wouldn't do it … which made me want to. “You might as well give herself a little action down there,” they quipped. Considering I don’t have to worry about scaring or chaffing a guy, I agreed to their bet, demanding home-cooked Texas BBQ and a gift card to Whole Foods. Apparently I'll do anything if you feed me.
So last week I went to the Waxing Studio where Tiffany here laid out Swarovski crystals in the shape of Texas Longhorns, fireworks, shooting stars, and butterflies. I went with a blue peace sign. When she put on her latex gloves, I gripped myself for pain, like she was about to give me a Brazilian wax. But it didn’t hurt, and aside from having someone's hands on your genitals, it didn’t even feel uncomfortable. It’s basically like a temporary tattoo — a pornographic one. It just peels off a plastic film and sticks to your skin like a sticker. I suggested they get cat eyes designs — that might be festive.
The catch to the bet, however, was that I had to go out in downtown Austin that night and tell 5 random guys that I just got vajazzled and see how they responded ...
Random guy #1: "What is that?"
Random guy #2: "What the F%$& is that?"
Random guy #3: "Show me!" (I showed him my back as I walked away.)
Random guy #4: "Huh?"
Random guy #5: "Why?"
So the consensus is ... what's the point? My peace sign vajayjay adornment was more the butt of a joke than it was sexy. It lasted all of five days, losing a rhinestone here or there. Now I won't scare off a guy ... with my vajazzle at least.
I gave my intern, Jordan, the assignment to find a place in Charlotte that offers Vajazzling. Once she reconsidered why on earth she works for me, she searched to no avail, even calling Vajazzle themselves, sitting on hold for two hours. Either this is really a new craze, or their call center is understaffed. Get on it Charlotte salons. *wink*
Friday, February 25, 2011
Don't Do This The 'Don't Do This' guide for guys: The case of the flat tire
Posted By Brittney Cason on Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 9:54 AM
I don’t get the roads in Austin, Texas.
Imagine if the turn-in for the parking lot to Target was directly off I-77. It’s kinda like that. Let's just say I feel like I'm learning the new NASCAR two-car drafting rule ... and my tires have met a few curbs.
One night, I went to dinner at Uckiko with Tucker Max and Jonathan, the captain of the Time Bandit (featured on Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch), and crew. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that last sentence sounds, and how random my life is.
I left the parking lot and noticed my car was riding low. I was riding dirty, all the way to 6th Street where we realized I had a rapidly deflating tire. With no spare, the boys couldn’t do anything except call AAA. And all they could do was tow me to the closest tire place that had the special tires my little ragtop required.
The next morning when I went to retrieve my dream machine from the car hospital, I asked the guy at the desk to have them triple check the lug nuts because one time at a Tire Kingdom a guy failed to tighten them and my tire fell off. Paranoid, I now have to confirm that everyone that touches my car passed lugnut day in tire college.
After I paid too much for some foreign vehicle tire, the mechanic Pedro handed me my keys. He assured me that he triple-checked my lugnuts and even changed my taillight for me just for the heck of it. Then he offered to top off all my fluids.
Do gentlemen still exist, in Texas … or is he just a horny mechanic?
I thanked him profusely while I allowed him to gussy up my car out of the kindness of his heart (or penis). I promised him my patronage for all my car needs in Austin, and then I hit the road for Dallas (this was Super Bowl weekend).
I was halfway there when my phone rang with an unlisted 512 number flashing on the screen.
“Hey, it’s Pedro, from Firestone.”
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Don't Quote Me Love advice from Nietzsche
Posted By Brittney Cason on Thu, Feb 24, 2011 at 11:09 AM
?"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" — Friedrich Nietzsche
... that's the quote going on the title page of my book! *wink*
But it also applies to relationships. Why do so many of us stay in emotionally abusive, loyalty lacking, detrimental, one-way or dead-end relationships? Because we're scared to leave it and be on our own? Yes, it is scary. And yes, you will get lonely. But a few months of mental anguish is worth alleviating a lifetime of it, don't you think? Either way you go it will be a battle, but leaving will make you stronger, whereas staying will make you weaker. Relationships should not feel like jail — you can escape it. And if your tribe includes kids, believe me when I say that it is better to divorce a destructive marriage than let a child witness it and live in a house without love.
Nietzsche wasn't kidding ... no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. An unhealthy relationship can kidnap us from ourselves, and when that happens, we need to get ourselves back.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Happy Hump Day It's better raw ...
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Feb 23, 2011 at 10:32 AM
... Sushi that is.
I ran off and joined the NASCARnival last week for the Daytona (and Night-tona) 500. We went to have sushi on the beach where I ordered the "Kentucky Roll" (chicken tempura and white sauce).
Apparently KY makes more than jelly. Such as this ...
Perhaps they should change the name of the Kentucky roll to "Happy Ending." What exactly is in that "white sauce" anyway? I can tell you that it tasted better than it looks though.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Dating and Mating / Sex and the Queen City Is attraction a scientific equation or a sixth sense?
Posted By Brittney Cason on Tue, Feb 22, 2011 at 3:13 PM
What initiates that initial attraction reaction we have towards certain people ... and not others? Is there a chemical formula in our pheromones that bonds with some people and repels others? Is there some sort of scientific equation that they left out of our college biology curriculum?
Ever wonder why in a crowd of people there are few strangers that you are instinctively drawn to? Why do we even have a "type"?
And why am I attracted to older men, while the friend to my left is attracted to pretty frat boys, and the friend to my right attracted to geeks? And why is the guy over there only attracted to skinny blondes, and his friend curvy brunettes?
What attracts us to other people?
Consider this my thesis on the study of attraction. The following quotes are derived from my focus groups on the subject.
The Sixth Sense
“The way this girl smelled appealed to my senses.” – some dude
It makes perfect sense that a person is attracted to someone via a smell they radiate. After all, we are animals; many breeds of animals in the wild tend to sniff out a mate to mate with, literally. But isn’t there also usually something about the way someone looks, talks, feels and tastes that has you infatuated? Those are our senses, and perhaps attraction is our sixth one.
The Forbidden Fruit
“I like the thrill of the hunt.” — female lions and male predators
"Let a guy chase you until you catch him." — my mother
... And shit my dad says: "The trick is finding a person you can fart in front of."
Why do you think Romeo and Juliet liked each other so much ... were they really soulmates or was that just an open-and-shut case of forbidden fruit complex? What makes the unattainable so attractive? Why do we want what we can't have when we can have something that wants us?
The Gilbert Theory (named after my friend Laura who came up with it)
"We tend to be attracted to someone we see as better than us … whether it be hotter, smarter, richer, nicer. A partner that will counteract our insecurities and weaknesses."
So I guess that is what Jerry Maguire meant when he said that famous line, "You complete me." Perhaps we naturally attract someone with the genetics we would breed well with — the ying to our yang.
The Shallow End
Attracted only to attractiveness
"I like a girl with a big ass." — Some douchebag at Butter
"A flashy guy. Nice ride, big house." — Some shallow soul who would date the douchebag at Butter
“A good job” or “In shape”
Is this shallow? Not exactly. A good job is a sign of ambition, success and motivation — not just a paycheck. And being in shape is a sign of healthy living — and typically someone who does their body good, will do yours as well. *wink*
“I only attract emotionally unavailable men.” – Too many women that deserve better
"I apparently like bitches" — The nice guys that finish last
Like attracts like ... don't be an asshole and be attracted to assholes
Monday, February 21, 2011
Blind Leading the Blind Dear Abby ... err, Brittney
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Feb 21, 2011 at 3:18 PM
Welcome to the first edition of Blind Leading the Blind. I feel that I make a lot of mistakes so that I can learn from them ... and then teach others not to make them. And that's why I'm here, for you. So if you need guidance on the perils of dating in Charlotte (and someone to keep it real) hit me up at brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com.
Assault and Blackberry Battery
Dear Brittney,
My boyfriend travels a lot for work, so he's gone a lot. He texts me all day long to tell me he misses me and loves me and that he got to his destination safely, but he never actually calls me. He used to always call me to say good night, but doesn't anymore. And when I call him his Blackberry goes straight to voice mail and he says his phone died or broke or something. But it happens ALL THE TIME. Like every time he goes away. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him, but I just can't make sense of it. I don't know how to bring it up to him without sounding like I don't trust him. Do you think he's cheating?
Sincerely,
Blackberry Blues
Dear Blackberry Blues,
I think for starters he needs a new phone or charger … problem solved. The problem with the phone at least. Though that does seem suspect, especially if he’s not actually picking up the phone to drain the battery — anyone with a Blackberry can contest to its short battery life. But there are other questions you should be asking: Has his behavior changed otherwise? Do you need to recharge your relationship in addition to his Blackberry battery?
They do make travel chargers you know — you could get him one and do something sweet for him without looking suspicious or insecure. And in turn take away his excuse that his "phone broke." If he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, don’t go fishing for one. But then again, don’t all hotel rooms have phones? Just saying!
Love,
Brittney
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Single-Taken-It's Complicated / Dating and Mating / Blind Leading the Blind Like attracts like: Assholes attract assholes
Posted By Brittney Cason on Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:08 PM
“I am flypaper for freaks” … “Why can’t I get a good guy?” … “Only assholes are attracted to me”
Those are the sentiments that tend to be discussed at most girls' night.
I’ve spent most of my life wondering why I can’t seem to find a good guy, and I think I finally figured it out: because like attracts like. It’s the law of attraction … literally.
You get back what you put out. So that means if you’re only attracting assholes, then either that’s what you want (and you’re a masochist) — or that’s what you are, thus that’s what you get.
The last guy I dated (whatever “dating” means) was a lot like me. We got each other and understood one another’s hectic lifestyles and off-the-wall sense of humor. I thought that was a good thing. Boy was I wrong.
Like Tucker Max said in his book Assholes Finish First, “Show me a genuinely funny person without emotional issues and I’ll introduce to you my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.”
He has a point.
People tend to use humor to help them carry their emotional baggage — being funny to mask and over-compensate their true feelings.
But his emotional baggage, though designer and easy to carry, was still baggage, and in turn he lied like a Persian rug on a rich man’s floor, to hide his truth not only from me, but from himself. After I peeled off the first layer of his façade, I saw him for who he was … an asshole.
Shit, does this mean I’m an asshole, too? Like does attract like, after all.
I realized that I have in fact treated guys the way he treated me, like an option versus a priority. I've taken advantage of and lied to guys before, even cheated on one. And so I had made my bed and I was lying in it … alone.
Karma is a bitch, and apparently so am I.
So if you want a good person who is going to treat you right, you have to be that good person. Not just to the person you’re with, but everyone.
Don’t lie to people and you won’t be lied to. Don’t use people and you won’t be used. Don’t deceive and you won’t have to dance with deception. Don’t cheat and you won’t be cheated. Don’t hate and you will have love. Simple as that.
Follow the golden rule and treat people the way you want to be treated, and you’ll be golden!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dating and Mating A speedy Valentine's date
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Feb 14, 2011 at 3:36 PM
Normally I would complain about having to spend Valentine’s Day in Austin, Texas, with the likes of Tucker Max. But considering he's helping me prepare my book for publishing, it's the best Valentine's ever.
Well, kinda ...
Friday night I was sitting alone at a coffee shop/bar in downtown Austin, drinking a spiked coffee while entrenched in the edits Tucker assigned me, when a guy plopped down in the extra chair at my table. In a deep English accent he introduced himself, “I'm Eddie, what’s your name?”
I peered over my computer screen, “Ummmm … Brittney.”
"What are you working on?" he asked.
My train of thought was completely ruined, and I was irritated that he'd so boldly interrupted me. What do you want, dude? I'm just working on the biggest project of my life and have five minutes to finish it. I'm not busy or anything.
But I tried to be friendly and threw some closed-ended answers at him: “Some writings.”
"Oh really ... what are you writing?"
"A book."
He sat there for five minutes asking random questions that I responded to with one-word answers. Soon, a buzzer goes off — I assumed it was coming from the noisy downtown streets beyond the open doors 10 feet from me.
“OK, nice to meet you,” he said, getting up from the chair he invited himself to sit down in.
“Oooo… K then, you too,” I responded, rolling my eyes at him as he turns around to sit at another table where another girl sat alone. Maybe she'll want to talk to you — weirdo.
The chair still warm from Eddie's ass, another guy moseyed on up and copped a squat. What is up with the guys in Austin? Is this standard procedure down here? The place is packed so maybe he just needs a seat. But he didn't even have ask. Chivalry is an endangered species, I swear.
“Hey, I’m Jim.”
Dating and Mating A Valentine's Day playbook
Posted By Brittney Cason on Mon, Feb 14, 2011 at 3:33 PM
Apparently writing this blog makes me some sort of relationship expert, because it inspired an invitation from ESPNU to host a a Valentine's Day segment to school boys in how to survive Valentine's Day.
You can watch the segment here, but in synopsis, here are some words of wisdom to get gentlemen through D-Day. I mean, V-day ...
1. Well for starters, don't forget! Though, jewelry commercials certainly make it hard to forget about Valentine's Day. But help the economy (and yourself by making your woman happy) and partake in the Hallmark holiday.
2. Don't get a gift from a drug store or a gas station. Make us feel classy and get our box of chocolates from the grocery store at least.
3. No stuffed animals! ... unless you're shopping for a 10-year-old girl, which in that case would make you gross. Women make their beds with throw pillows as adults, not teddy bears.
4. Be creative when setting up the date. Besides, the more creative you get the cheaper the date gets. And be tactful — don't take her to an expensive steak house if she doesn't eat meat.
Valentine's is typically a holiday geared toward couples and florists, but in all honestly, single men seem to actually reap most of the benefits from it. They can go out on Valentine's Day with the unavailable women already weeded out for them, leaving an assortment of single women looking for a little love, or loving — whatever. And they don't even have to buy a present.Thus the single guys seem to be the ones who score the most on Valentine's Day. Pun intended.
