Brittney Cason After Dark

I got the following reader letter in response to my column in last week's CL: "Women are Crazy, Men are Worse" and I feel inclined to share as it is perhaps the most insightful and interesting thing I've ever read baked fresh from the male mind. So, thank you Matt — for reading, replying and sharing the male perspective ... you, um, want to go out for a drink? haha

Hi Brittney,

We have never met. I am in no way a critic nor am I a jaded individual. I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your column. Your commentary is well written, quite entertaining, and relevant. I admire you for sharing experiences in a somewhat unbiased manner and I applaud you for your raising awareness to issues ever-present in the singles circus. I do have some thoughts of my own that I would like to present. They are based on some prior pieces of yours and the “Woman are crazy, men are worse” bit in particular. Please know that I am in no way condemning you for your feelings and observations and do not mean any disrespect by any stretch :o) Just agreeing with you on many points, and posing questions to the population in rhetoric though it may appear that my thoughts are directed at you. While certainly thought provoking, many articles hover over the notion that men are bumbling, unaware, disconnected, mal-intentioned beings that slash through the emotions of women they encounter without either a hint of compassion or the most miniscule glint of recourse. While I find that this appears to be the consensus of most women from here to BFE, I believe this mindset to be quite problematic in that it perpetuates all the confusion and muck we all encounter. To set the tone, I certainly empathize with women out there. As you said Brittney, guys are crazy — some that is. Case in point, over coffee this morning as I was reading your latest in CL, I overheard some dude in his mid 30s, well dressed and spoken for the most part, professing that he has been “mackin on women and running bitches” when asked what he had been up to by the married couple with whom he held company. To have a response held so eager on the tip of his tongue like that is just plain tacky- “dumbfuck” was the first word gleaned from brain waves after hearing this. Moreover, one cannot help but notice all the idiots out there that exemplify their tasteless existence by the way they carry themselves and how they treat other people. The terms Douche, Tool, Asshole, Jerk are fitting in these cases and can be pinned to a good majority of the guys you will see out. Now I am in no way admonishing the acts and/or intentions of the male species as a whole; truth is, we all see guys everyday that the world would clearly be better without. For this, I find women’s diminished faith in men is well founded. Fact of the matter is that for every dipshit there is a guy with a heart of gold.

The shame is when women hide behind these false perceptions and allow their subconscious to repel guys with something real to offer. Maybe it is a defense thing, or a motivational jig, or simply a way to cloak an insecurity or two. Either way, this mindset is about as liberating as sitting with your nose in a corner all day. I met a girl recently with whom we shared a mutual friend and decided to meet her for drinks one night (there we go with the drinks! It was her idea, ha. I will address this a little later). This was the first and only time we hung out. A nice afternoon of drinks and dinner on the water gave way to nightfall and more drinks at a dive bar nearby. No questionable actions on my part and I made it a point not to communicate any signals that I did not want communicated that early on, and yes, even in my slightly tipsy state. Bar closed and despite the girl’s suggestion that I go to her place for the night to stay off the roads, if she had an agenda or not, I respectfully declined and went home. Fast forward a few days later. I went out to a neighborhood bar with a friend girl of mine and I saw the girl I recently went on the pseudo-date with sitting with her girlfriends. I did not notice her until right before her and crew left so I did not get a chance to speak. In all honesty, I did not go out of my way to approach her at that point not because I was playing games or I am an ass, but because I did not want to create any awkwardness. Wasn’t long after she left that I was getting spiteful what-evs texts because she thought I was on a date. I replied with an earnest apology for not speaking and even disclosed that I handled the situation wrong by not stopping by to say hello. Next morning was the real kicker. On Facebook, she plastered her distrust of men for all the world to read and professed her strategy to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” as therapy. I could handle that, but when her friends commented on the statement with catch phrases such as and not limited to “you’ve had some real assholes lately,” it kinda pissed me off. Did I do something so heinous that warranted such a personal attack? Had she not flown off the handle perhaps we could have gone out again and there may have been some interest there. This is the perfect illustration of communication shortcomings between the quintessential emotional woman and the rational man, and is a great segue into my next point.

As hinted earlier, women have issues too. As you stated, women [some, most] are crazy. For every negative connotation for guys, there are an equal number of coined terms for the gals. “Gnats” is a title I use to describe a typical girl with party mindset. She is everywhere, annoying as hell, as deep as a puddle, and attracted to camera flashes. “Tease” and “Bitch” also have a special place in the social order which need no description. Some girls are even so paranoid, or jaded, that by even hearing "Hello" from a nice guy will result in total lock down- batten down the hatches, move to DEFCON 1 style. The word for these girls is “Crazy.” Regardless, like their male counterparts, they are all purveyors of “the show”, where contributing to the hype just reinforces the ridiculous obsession with going out to bars while having the hope of meeting someone nice. Now I am not being condescending or a party pooper, I am merely stating that a good majority of young single adults are addicted to going out as their fun fix and actually adapt their lifestyle to the point. Sadly, Uptown and LKN are cesspools inundated with this conflicting ideology. I grapple with this often. It blows my mind to see so many woman with lots of offers completely buy into the all the bullshit while everything they have always wanted is left to the wayside, undiscovered. Any guy not in the circuit is just deemed undesirable. Trips me out. Also, every time I go out, I notice women out for ladies night. Most ladies nights are comprised of scantly clad women with their matching lascivious actions while frequenting all the so called hot spots. In short, a premeditated, conscious plan to attract, let’s be honest. Now before every girl in Charlotte chalks this up as refutable and rebuts with “we just want to spend time with the girls” or something to that effect, then why not make it a wine and dinner party? Most of the time, these ladies are content with receiving drinks, attention, and a measure of desirability from guys, but when actually hit on by guy after guy, there is a big surprise. The irony of it all is that any man worth his salt is repulsed by the average proverbial ladies night, as they should be if you really examine the mechanics of the interaction. The men that are actually turned on by this arrangement are the very business centric (prospect of hookup is a function of drinks bought and how star struck girl is) men that leverage presumed power, social breadth, and alcohol to score any girl that bites. The simple truth is that a bar is the typical arena for meeting people. Is a guy really a dick for asking a girl out for drinks? If you look into it enough, perhaps; however, if the guy is a sleaze in the first place and asks a girl out for drinks, why the hell would she accept anyways? Would the response be any different if she was asked out for coffee of lunch? Hopefully not if the girl has a working barometer for identifying a decent guy. Point is: a gal cannot get up in arms if she does not apply some measure of good judgment on the front end. It is such an injustice to label a whole sex based situations unfolded after a breakdown of self worth and standards. Why do women put themselves in the very environment that they gripe about? The one that cultivates the idea that all men are motivated by questionable intent. This is not only an oxymoron, but is rather hypocritical as well. (On a side note, every date I have been on lately was actually over drinks, and at the girls’ suggestions. Strange huh?) The genuine girls are left wondering what is going on with the male populous. Why is this? It is more of skewed sample population than an indicator of men as a whole. What was that again? Rewind that…yep, I am saying that mostly dumbfucks frequent the social “scene.” Why is this? Somehow in our transition to adulthood, it was emblazoned on our minds that going out and being seen transcends individualism and is the sure fire way to attaining the acceptance of your peers and the precursor to a life of happiness. Sadly, as consumers this is reality, but as humans, this is pitiful. While collecting new party pics to post on facebook is a great for keepsakes to look back upon when one grows old, in the grand scheme of things, what is gained? Think of the last time you went out…how many people did you recognize? How many of those you consider to be a friend you only see when going out? How many quality people did you meet? How many new experiences did you encounter? How earth changing was that drunken conversation, really? When looking to meet someone of substance, in many cases this strategy is counterproductive. Why counterproductive you ask? Allow me to first comment on current state, shortcomings of the dynamic between men and women. There is a universal abandonment of truth, forthrightness, and gumption. The vehicle for these ideals is fundamental communication. How many of us have danced around a conversation because we were scared of how the other would react. How many of us have avoided a conversation on something morally and ethically defensible only because you thought your significant other would deliver a shock wave larger than that of an atomic bomb. Even worse, how many of us have broken up after avoidance added layer upon layer of misunderstanding simply because thoughts were not brought to the table and discussed? I for one have been guilty of some of these along the way. Experience can be gained from wisdom: my grandmother is but one sibling of 13; a large family to say the least. What I admire about her and others from the era is how unfiltered and unrepressed their communication style is. Listening to her and pop toss thoughts around with simplicity and directness is like watching a volley in ping pong. If something is on her mind, she’ll serve it right up, plain and simple…no sugar. Pop sees where she is coming from, and returns his feelings. The key is that the wheels to resolution are in motion. Look at how people talk to each other in classic movies from the 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s; it’s very refreshing actually. Nothing is misunderstood, no thoughts misconstrued, nothing taken personal…the very definition of communication. Here is the point, communication is respect, and respect is two fold. In any relationship, intimate or platonic, one must respect self and the other enough to speak their mind openly and honestly. Damn walking on egg shells, any emotional response is valid. The flip side of the coin is that you have to establish a safe zone for the other person and any response is believed to be genuine and taken to heart. Sounds easier than doing? I beg to differ; the coolest part is that the more you respect yourself and speak your mind, the more you will find that genuine thought exchange is elicited. If some of my past girlfriends talked to me about our relationship a fraction of how much she confided in friends or family, I’d probably be married right now. Talking to others about your problems with someone else is just asinine! Think of all exterior perspective you are inviting that, when harped upon, can change your views in a skinny minute. This all assumes that the person you are with is not one of the aforementioned undesirables because if they are, beat some feet on outta there with your newly adopted tact and meet the right person! Bringing it all together: there is a natural order of things such that for every Douche out there in Charlotte, there is surely a Slut to be found. Guy scum is equaled by girl scum. The balance is offset when each try to get with the quality catches. This happens because people neglect to communicate effectively. Concerns are not expressed and intentions are not presented. A guy dipshit could reveal that his interest in the girl is limited to just hooking up just as easy as a girl could challenge a guy with her suspicions or vice versa. If there is no foundational compatibility, great to know in the beginning. At any rate, chivalry is certainly not dead! Truth is, it is alive and well and is most likely holding out for the special recipient who appreciates all that it entails, one that reciprocates with the innate ability to embrace it. Not sure how chivalrous a bar is however. If past occurrences are predicators of future events, I think genuine men and women are screwed on this one. Hmm, perhaps social screening is warranted! Wanna start a new bar??? Membership would be limited. Again, please do not think I was calling you out with the above :o) Oh! I do disagree with an old column on ring buying, respectfully of course. Comments on that one will have to wait as this guy is pretty sleepy. Don't go selling my email address now, k. Hope you have a pleasant evening and wonderful week!

-Matt