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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Hot New Club: Police were tipped off to a nightclub operation that was taking place in an abandoned Mexican restaurant in Charlotte and set up surveillance on the spot. When officers entered the facility they found a bartender serving out of 30 different bottles of liquor. They also found women stripping for patrons. Any food specials, you ask? A pile of hot wings on a hot plate. The bartender, a few women and a couple of patrons were arrested. Hey, you guys are always welcome to throw a party at my house. All you have to do is ask.

Bug Killer: A 48-year-old woman called police after her boyfriend vandalized her property. She told officers that she was arguing with the man when he became enraged and scratched up the dashboard of her Volkswagen Beetle. He then took a crock-pot from the kitchen and smashed it on the ground. Beauty is only paint-job deep. It's when you key the inside of someone's car that you really get to the heart of the matter.

Too Slow: A 51-year-old man called police after someone attempted to rob him at an ATM. The man was at the Wachovia drive-up ATM in the Arboretum when he noticed a man walking toward his car wearing a mask. The would-be victim quickly removed his card and drove away before the man could reach him. I think you're just paranoid. Maybe the guy thought these 70-degree nights we've had in Charlotte recently were a bit too chilly for him and had to wear a mask just to go out. Or, maybe not.

Walk It Out: A 56-year-old woman called police after she was violently assaulted by a man. She told officers that she was driving around with the man, whom she knew well, when they got into an argument. The suspect pulled the keys out of her car at an intersection and threw them out the window. When she got out of the car to retrieve the keys, he punched her in the face. She then drove away, leaving him on the side of the road. I'm all for posting pictures of these guys all around the city like child molesters. They're usually the idiots who end up killing people — and everybody asks how it could've been stopped.

Respect Your Elders: Police were called to a house in North Charlotte after receiving a call about an assault that took place. When they arrived, they were told by a female "victim" that she had been slapped by her grandmother's husband. There were no visible injuries. When the man who was being blamed stepped outside to explain his side of the story, police saw that he was scratched profusely and bleeding out of his face and neck. These damned kids with their rap music and World Wide Web (and surprisingly lethal fingernails).

District 9: Police were called to a local pet store after they caught a man shoplifting. Employees confronted the man after watching him enter the store and try to steal several cans of cat food. I'm sure PETA will start a charity fund for his bail anytime now because I know he can't afford it.

Customer Traffic: Police were called to a local Auto Zone after a hit-and-run was committed in the parking lot. Witnesses told officers that a man was trying to leave the shop when he backed into another vehicle. He then sped off without stopping to see the damage he had done or leaving his information.

Puppy Love: A 39-year-old woman called police after her dog was stolen from her. She told officers that she gave her Bichon Frise puppy to a friend to watch while she was out of town. When she returned to Charlotte, she contacted her so-called friend and the friend refused to return it. I expect the CMPD to come bursting in the door late at night with automatic weapons. It's not like there's any real crime going on in the city. And it worked for Elian Gonzalez.

Motherhood: A 20-year-old man called police after being threatened by an older woman he's had some problems with in the past. The victim told officers the woman called him and stated, "I am going to kill you." The next time she called, she said, "I'm going to get my boys to kill you." Because what's the point of raising your sons from birth if you can't send them out on hits? "I brought you into this world so you can take someone out for me."

Threat of the Week: A 39-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect. He told officers that the man called him and stated, "Hey Jeff! Are you on vacation?" When the man told him he wasn't, the suspect informed him, "You are getting ready to go on a permanent vacation." The victim told police that he is concerned for his safety — but I would be more concerned about whether this vacation is paid for or not.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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