Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (Sept. 22) 

Open Up A 34-year-old man in east Charlotte called police after an unwanted houseguest made a mess of things on his porch. The man told officers that a woman knocked on the door of his apartment at around 11 p.m. and when he opened the door she walked right in and asked to use the bathroom. When he and his friend saw that she was holding a knife in her hand, they pushed her out the door and closed it. When she got outside, the woman squatted down and urinated on the man's doorstep, then preceded to rip the light fixture off the porch wall and shatter it on the ground.

Garbage Truck A 57-year-old southeast Charlotte man was perturbed to find that people have been using his truck as a dumpster in lieu of an actual receptacle in his apartment complex. He told police that he woke one morning to find several full trash bags in the bed of his pickup truck that weren't there when he parked it.

Uber A 26-year-old woman went to the police last week after getting gipped out of some gas money in north Charlotte. The woman told officers that she asked a friend for a ride home from an address on Sugar Creek Road and the friend obliged. She gave the friend $5 for gas money and that's when things got weird. The friend drove across the street and asked the woman to get out of the car for a few minutes because "she had something to take care of and didn't want [the victim] to get involved." The suspect then drove off and that was the last time the victim saw her friend or her $5 ... or the handbag and jacket she had left in the car, for that matter.

Picture That A 20-year-old woman filed a police report last week after becoming tired of the odd things she was finding on her front porch. The woman stated that during a two-month period between July and September, some unknown suspect repeatedly left pornographic pictures on her porch for her to find when she returned home or woke up in the morning. The woman told officers that the behavior was making her fear for her safety.

Got Beef? A potentially armed robber in north Charlotte last week was in and out of a robbery at a local convenience store, and he knew what he wanted. An employee at a 7-Eleven on North Tryon Street told police that a man entered the business at around 7 p.m. and immediately threatened both employees, implying that he had a gun. After getting the message across, the man went straight for the beef jerky display, grabbed a single stick of jerky and left the store.

Driver's Ed A woman's "joyride" through east Charlotte turned expensive when she crashed through a fence and nearly found herself back in school. The woman told officers she was joyriding at 11:30 a.m. when she lost control of the car. After smashing clear through the fence around Northeast Middle School, she crashed right into the school's storage building. Luckily, nobody was inside, but the suspect did a total of $20,000 in damage.

Moving Quick Two students were caught having consensual sex at Myers Park High School on Sept. 14, setting a record at two and a half weeks for the quickest score from the first day of school.

Switch A woman filed a report against her own aunt last week in north Charlotte after auntie broke out some old school tactics on her child. The woman told police that the aunt was watching her 8-year-old son when he began acting up. The aunt broke a tree limb off the nearest tree and spanked the kid with it. But, much to the aunt's surprise, it is no longer 1960 and people don't play that shit anymore. She was charged with assault.

Arsenal During a Beatties Ford Road traffic stop last week police found cocaine on the very last man that should be doing cocaine. During a search of the man's vehicle, police found a 9-millimeter rifle, assorted ammunition and magazines and a fake grenade that's meant to be used a paperweight. In an unrelated incident, a man's car was broken into in south Charlotte and the list of things he reported stolen were radiation jumpsuits, a military camouflage net, bulletproof glass, multiple American flags and a pig mask.

Smothered-Covered-Motherfucker A woman came marching into a Waffle House in the University area last week with a score to settle and she settled it with $20 worth of food. Employees told police that a woman came in and placed a to-go order, but once she got her food, things went off the handle. The woman began yelling at the employees, telling them that she wasn't going to pay for her food because someone had hung up on her when she called to place the order. She then left the store with her reparations.

Moviefone A 21-year-old man in west Charlotte was ripped off by some bad actors last week. The man said he met some men he had negotiated a deal with on an app called Offer Up to sell them his old phone. The men bought the phone for $600 cash, but only after they left did the seller realize that the bills all said "For Cinematic Use Only" in big letters across them.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.