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The Best of the Blotter
Charlotte's most bizarre, violent, drug-induced and downright hilarious tales of crime
By Jared NeumarkPage 3 of 6
TRENDY THIEF: A shoplifter at Wal-Mart snatched some sports bras, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, belly rings, and plastic sunglasses.
D'OH!: A woman stopped by her mother's house for a routine check while her mother was out of town. She noticed someone had eaten six donuts that had been in the kitchen the day before. Upon inspecting the house, she found an unknown man, the presumed donut snatcher, under her mother's bed. When she returned with police, the suspect was gone, having effectively pulled off the greatest donut heist of all time.
FIZZY GOLD: A mugger brandishing a hammer confronted a man strolling home from work with a 20-oz cherry soda in hand. When the stroller said he had no money, the hammerman took a swing. A skirmish ensued. Hammerman abandoned his tool for his bare knuckles. He landed a punch and ran off with the stroller's soda.
THREE LEFT FEET: A shoe store in Plaza-Midwood reported that a customer stole one tennis shoe from each of three pairs of sneakers. No motive is immediately known, but off-the-wall explanations are plentiful. One theory gaining credence connects the vandal in some sort of union (possibly a romantically-charged one) with a three-footed, bunion-toed monster.
BRAT BUST: At a gas station a man took three delicious wieners valued at $3.87 and ate them while standing at the machine. The manager asked the man if he was going to pay for the pork products he had just consumed. The man said he had no money. The manager called the police who arrested the man, who was still at the scene consuming hot dogs.
How Bizarre
YOU MAKE THE DIAGNOSIS: A homeless man entered an Albemarle Wachovia branch with a handwritten note. It read: "You have 18 seconds to give me my $600, or I am going to die. This is a bank robbery." The robber then said, "This is no joke, I need to go to jail. This is the only way, or I will die. Call the police." He added that something bad would happen if he did not get the cash. The bank teller forked over the $600. Before leaving the bank, the man handed her his license so the police could better find him.
I'M WARNING YOU, MY HEADACHE WILL REALLY GO AWAY: Speaking of bothering the police, a man called 911 to say he would most likely be overdosing soon. He had taken too many pills he said, and would soon be falling asleep. When police arrived on scene, the man told them he had ingested four aspirins. Not 40. Four.
ICE MAN: A man received a phone call from a dialer who had the wrong number. When he expressed his intent to hang up, things got out of control. "If you hang up the phone, I will kill you," the caller threatened. "If I hang up this phone, I will call the police," the cool and collected man fired back. "Do you need some assistance with that?," the harasser jabbed. The victim's icy phone manner was just a bluff. Afterwards, he called police, worried for his safety.
SWALLOW THE EVIDENCE: Police showed up to a man's home to investigate counterfeiting. They found a safe in his closet and asked the man to open it. He pulled out two fake $100 bills and a fake $20. The police asked him to hand the counterfeit cash over. Instead, he stuffed the bills into his mouth and ran down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, with the money still in his mouth, he ripped the metal banister from the stairway Incredible Hulk-style and threw it at the officers. The officers finally caught up with him, at which point he swallowed the money. "Hulk" attempted to bite the officers and was also charged with resisting arrest.
MACGYVER: A man, who may or may not have been a detective, showed up at another man's house with a door and demanded the resident accompany him to a nearby field. The wannabe detective pushed the man down and forced him to take off his shoes. He then compared the man's shoe to a shoe print that had been made on his kicked-down door. When the shoe prints didn't match, the detective became furious. The shoeless man's sister intervened and broke up the incident.
PSA?: A vandal used orange fluorescent spray paint to write "Think about AIDS" on a woman's driveway. The woman suffered a similar vandalism act to her driveway two years ago.
CRAZY DUDE: A landscaper noticed a man lying down on Church Street by the fire station where he was working. A fire truck left the station blaring its sirens and causing the man to jump up and charge at the landscaper. The crazy man demanded to know which way the train was coming from (not the truck). The landscaper wisely took his blower and blew air in the man's face. The crazy man backed away. A little later, another fire truck came down the street and this time the crazy man tried to jump on. When he failed, he saw the landscaper and made another bullish charge. Two firemen hopped out of the truck and subdued the man.
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Calendar
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Wine & Paint @ Blackfinn Ameripub- Ballantyne
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Queen Charlotte Fair @ Route 29 Pavilion
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NEW WINDOW GALLERY-Pat Rhea-ACRYLIC PAINTINGS-April 05-30 2024 VALDESE, NC 28690 @ New Window Gallery/Play It Again Records
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Face to Face Foundation Gala @ The Revelry North End
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